I am going to shamelessly steal that.
Happens a lot (…and I lived!) Some family favorites:
Being about 5 and walking down the street with a fly swatter. A adult neighbor who knew my penchant for mischief (and who no one on the street really liked) literally ran out of his front door and up to me as I walked by in an attempt to be intimidating and asked,
“Just What do you think You’re going to do around here with a fly-swatter!?”
I remember responding coolly, “…Just getting rid of… Pests…” cue lock eyes 
or
Being stopped by a cop in my sisters car which had (of course) an expired inspection sticker, no insurance card, and an expired registration.
Police Officer- “Just where do you think you were going?”
Me- pointing “That way.”
or
Being the only 4 year old on the kiddie train ride to stand up mid ride and yell to the engineer, “Floor it, Mister! FLOOR IT…!”
or
While talking to a manager about a complaint from an angry customer.
Manager- “Look that man deserves your understanding. He deserves your compassion. He deserves your respect…”
Me- “…he deserves ‘Louisville-Slugger’ printed backwards across his forehead…”
You people are responsible for my beginning a career of plagiarism. :dubious:
She didn’t make it up. That’s been floating around forever.
Did you seal the deal?
My then-boyfriend’s loser friend was spouting off about his hunting skills.
Loser friend: “I’ve shot a deer, I’ve shot a moose…”
Me, very quietly: “…shot the bull.”
Yup, I’m certain that’s true. I give her props at 8 for recognizing the humor and using it well.
I think I’ve posted this before, but what the hell.
At work we had some “carnival days” promotion going on. Circus stuff. Balloons. We are in a meeting. Someone pokes her head in the door and says, “the clowns are here”. Me: “Send them in”.
Cue crickets chirping.
mmm
I ordered a glass of beer in a bar once. As the bartender set it down, a little bit dribbled down the side of the glass and onto the coaster. I mustered up my best Mork from Ork impression and said, “Whoa! Paper trained.” The guy next to me nearly bust a gut laughing.
Not my quick wit - but worth sharing…
I was on out on a date with a guy I’d been seeing for a few weeks. We were at a nice restaurant, and the server brought out a mini-loaf of bread and butter as a starter. The bread knife was stuck in the loaf, and as soon as the server put the loaf down and walked away, my date pulled the knife out and declared “I’m the King of England!”
We’ll be celebrating our 20th anniversary in May - I can’t resist a man who can make me laugh!
In the “kids say the darndest things” category … when my son was a toddler, we took him on an outing to the museum. They were having a show of Peruvian relics. One of them was a huge, menacing statue of a chief or god, with a frowning, angry expression. It must have been 8 or 9 feet tall.
The kid was happily toddling about, looking at the exhibits, when this one caught his eye … he toddled over to it, his face alight with excitement, pointed with his chubby finger at the looming statue, and said: “Dad!”
The museum only had a couple of other patrons in the place, but they both busted a gut laughing.
I read a hilarious line in a book and never thought i’d get a chance to use it.
But one day I was hiking in the mountains with a couple of friends who are knowledgeable about plants. One of them asked if a certain plant was an anemone, and the other said it was. I pointed to some nearby ferns and said, “I prefer these, because with fronds like these, who needs anemonies!”
I was at a science fiction convention a couple of years ago, in the Dealers’ Room. I was browsing all the tables filled with books. I stopped at one and the guy standing there proudly told me, “I wrote everything on this table!”
I looked at the books and gasped, “You’re H.P. Lovecraft?”
(Well, no he wasn’t, but he was authorized to write sequels to Lovecraft’s work by the estate, or at least he said he was. Or maybe he wrote an afterword to a collection of Lovecraft’s work. I don’t remember exactly.)
But if any author was going to come back from the dead, Lovecraft would certainly be a contender.
I set up a friend once. About 25 years ago a buddy was a cop in Northern Calif. he was down visiting and we hanging out. My buddy the cop tells us he was involved in a half a million dollar pot bust.
I asked just how do you know it was a half a million dollars?
My other friend doesn’t miss a beat and before the cop even opens his mouth comes back with:
Simple, they sell half and multiply by 2.
I went golfing with a friend. It was the first time either of had ever played, and we were terrible. We were also losing balls at a prodigious rate. He teed up, and said to me “Keep an eye on the ball, and let me know where it goes”.
So he takes a mighty swing, and the ball goes straight, landing three feet in front of him. I pointed at the ball and deadpanned, “There it is”.
Luckily, he didn’t hit me with the golf club. But with a swing like that, he would have missed.
Must be in Arcata.
Sophomore year in high school, and I go to Washington DC for a Close Up trip in 1980- visiting the government and seeing how things work. Anyway, we’re having a discussion about media and how it affects the perceptions of the public. The speaker asked the rhetorical question ‘How do you like your television?’ I immediately yelled from the back of the room “Without commercials!”
Felt good making 150 cynical teenagers crack up.
I coach girls softball, one evening one of the parents that was helping out shouted out to the other coach, “Hey coach, I can’t find your balls”, without losing a beat I shouted back,” you’ll have to ask his wife.” This was done in front of a large bleacher full of parents waiting for the game. I don’t think the other coach appreciated it much but it was funny, but, boy I had a standing ovation from the stands.
I was at a 75th birthday party when a young black guy introduced an old white Jewish guy as “Uncle Shelly.” Someone at my table said, very surprised “UNCLE Shelly?”
I responded “He doesn’t look Jewish.”
Friends and I were warching the news the Sunday after Micheal Jackson died and speculating what drug killed him. Someone suggested OxyContin. Then the story about Billy Mays’s death came on. When I finished laughing, someone asked me what was so funny?
“If the OxyContin doesn’t kill you, I guess the OxyClean will.”
You have never heard so much laughter over two people dying.