#1: Good Lord- air support doesn’t work, coastal fortresses don’t work, the AI moving units at peace is broken (according to Firaxis, when at peace, the AI moves units around randomly “on patrol”, which takes five or more minutes given the number of pieces)… it’s been over a month, and these are nearly game-breaking problems. Where’s the patch?
#2: I’m sorry, but you damn well should have known that naming the various barbarian tribes would create the wrong impression. I simply cannot play the Germans any longer; every time I see one of my cities invaded by “Goth warriors” I am overwhelmed by the images of pale horsemen in black mascara and spiky chainmail that exposes way too much flesh riding over the horizon. And then I must lie down until I stop shaking with laughter.
#3: I’ll sleep after the next turn. Honest.
#4: Give me my goddamned patch.
#5: No. No tundra. You want me to start up the Romans, you give me some damned land where I can wear a toga. Stop starting me in the goddamned frosty north. Ctrl-Shift-Q.
#6: I said, no goddamned tundra. You want a production advantage and to start me off in the suckiest suckland that ever sucked this side of Suckville? No. Ctrl-Shift-Q.
#7: Ah. Desert. Oh, you’ve got a sense of humor now, don’t you? Ctrl-Shift-Q.
#8: Here patch, patch, patch, patch, patch!
#9: That’s my land, Zulu! Lousy Expansionist mother-fuckers.
#10: I’ll eat after the next turn. Honest.
#11: Work with my fucking sound card, you piece of shit. Everything else works. But no, you have to play the sound in StereoCrapTastic, with the music patchy and distorted, and crashing every time it tries to play a goddamned movie. Like the intro movie (which space bar happily circumvents).
#12: Or the ending movie. I just spent forty fucking hours building a fantastic civilization, rolling over the Greeks and the Egyptians, holding off the Japanese and the Chinese while I build my spaceship. Forty buck and forty hours spent on this goddamned game- I deserve a treat at the end. And I get? Black screen. Reboot.
#13: And fuck you, girlfriend, for reacting to that like it was no big deal. No, wait, not merely that- talking down to me like I was an idiot for being upset.
#14: Fucking patch. Gimme a fucking patch, fuckers.
#15: And while speaking on said girlfriend matters, when I play the goddamned game, I’m in “neutral” mode. I can drop it at any time to do other stuff. So when you say, “I think I’ll put in a DVD later”, and I say, “Okay, great”, that means “Come and get me when you decide what you want to watch”, not “start a DVD and don’t say anything to me because you’re sure my game is more important to me than you are, and then when I go out for a smoke and notice that you’re watching a DVD and end up getting engrossed but have to ask you who such-and-such is and why so-and-so is doing that, don’t snort at me and say, ‘Well, maybe you should have started watching this movie from the beginning’.” Are we clear?
#16: I can step away from this game at any point. And after the next turn, I will.
#17: Paaaaaaaaaaaaaaaatch, I’m looking for the paaaaaaaaaaaatch…
#18: No multiplayer. Multiplayer comes out in three months and will likely cost twenty bucks. And given the level of support given for the game already (patch?), multiplayer will be all you get for your twenty bucks.
#19: Stop killing off the goddamned Russians, dammit. And the Zulus. They’re the only cultures I haven’t seen the modern portraits for! But no, every game I end up keeping the Zulus and the Russians get whacked.
#20: Goddamit, I said no tundra. Ctrl-Shift-Q.
