Arsenic and Old Lace:
Mortimer Brewster: George Clooney
Aunt Abby: Goldie Hawn
Aunt Martha: Meryl Streep
Jonathan Brewster: Viggo Mortensen
Dr. Herman Einstein: Maurice LaMarche
Elaine Harper: Heather Graham
Theodore Brewster: Brendan Fraser (CHAAAAAAAAAAAARRGGE!)
I don’t think it would suck.
The Apartment
“Bud” Baxter - This is tough… who do you put into such an iconic Jack Lemmon role… I’d go with Tom Hanks if he were younger, but if I was doing this right now think I’ll give this one to Paul Rudd. He’s handsome enough, funny enough, and also can play the maudlin side of things rather well. Runner-ups would be John Cusack (maybe too old), John C. Reilly, or Jason Bateman.
Fran Kubelik - I’ll give the Shirley Maclaine role to Scarlett Johanssen. Full nudity would be required, of course.
Jeff D. Sheldrake - John Slatterly (he basically plays this character on “Mad Men,” but he’s so perfect in the part that I’d put him in the Fred MacMurray role.
Dr. Dreyfuss - Judd Hirsch would work well as the doctor neighbor. In doing some research for this post, I notice that the original actor (Jack Kruschen) was nominated for a Best Supporting Actor Oscar that year.
Some Like It Hot
Johnny Depp as Joe/Josephine
Rufus Sewell as Jerry/Daphne
Jessica Alba as Sugar Kane
Jack Nicholson as Spats Columbo
Liam Neeson as Detective Mulligan
Paul Reubens as Osgood Fielding III
James Caan as Little Bonaparte
Bea Arthur as Sweet Sue
Bell, Book, and Candle
Shepherd ‘Shep’ Henderson: Noah Wyle
Gillan ‘Gil’ Holroyd: Charlize Theron
Nicky Holroyd: Steven Zahn
Sidney Redlitch: tough call - any of Richard Dreyfuss, Judd Hirsch, or Goeffrey Rush could play the roll, each bringing a different level to the character
Aunt Queenie Holroyd: Doris Roberts (if only Molly Shannon were 20 years older)
Bianca de Passe: Stockard Channing
Merle Kittridge: Maura Tierney
Badlands
Kit: Brad Renfro (assuming he’s not in jail)
Holly: Britney Spears (assuming she’s not in jail)
Maybe John Waters could direct. Or Oliver Stone on Xanax.