Reflections on divorce

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I caught up on my mail today, I’d been about a week behind. I saw the letter from Charles G Hiob III, Clerk. I knew what it was.


Karen B. Weirddave       *             In The

    plaintiff            *             Circuit Court

v.                       *             For

Davis B. Weirddave       *             Harford County

    defendant            *             Case NO: Fat Chance!
*   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *
          Judgement Of Absolute Divorce

    It is this ______3____ Day of _____Oct____, 2001, by the Circuit
Court of Harford County,

    ORDERED that the plaintiff, Karen B. Weirddave, be and hereby is awarded a Judgement
 of Absolute Divorce from the Defendant, David B. Weirddave; and

    IT IS FURTHER ORDERED that the Agreement between the parties dated March 14, 2001,
 be incorperated, but not merged herein; and

    IT IS FURTHER ORDERED that, except as to the extent, if any, as set forth in the
 aforesaid Agreement between the parties, neither alimony or monetary award be
reserved unto either party.

                                           signature
                                             JUDGE

                                           **BIG ASS SEAL**

So it’s done. How do I feel?

There’s nothing left, I spent it all. I tried and tried to make this work but it didn’t. I poured my heart and soul into this relationship, and now that it has proved to be for naught, I am left with the bitter ashes of hope in my mouth. I can’t imagine a life alone, I have no one and nothing, I suppose I should just…
No, that’s not it. Hmmmm. How about:

There’s no point. Why did I try? What rough beast now slouches to fullfillment in my life, mocking my brittle hopes for a future? It’s all around, couples strive for a “future”, yet inevitably fail and reap the whirlwind of defeat and dispair…

Yea Gods! That’s certainly not it! Hmmmm. One more try:

sigh I had a wife. We had a good life. I remember how we selected the paint for the dining rooom, and together we spread the dropcloths and painted our hearts out. This was ours! I can still see her, a splash of paint across her nose, laughing at me as we planned for the future. Here was where we were going to raise our children, here was where we were going to grow old and die together. This was our life…

Not really. Close, but way to self indulgent and maudlin. Hmmm. Forget the quotes, what do I feel?

I feel regret. Not regret that Karen and I are no longer together, I worked that out for myself months ago. I have every confidence that my life will get better and better. Hell, right now it’s better than it was the last few months we were together. I DO regret that what I thought was “Til death do us part” turned out not to be. Those dopers that know me know that when I give my word, it matters a great deal to me to keep it. That’s not the biggest issue, however. I can accept that things don’t always go as planned. You just have to accept what is and move on.

I regret that she dosen’t have any room in her life for me. She said all she wants from me is a check each month. Fine. She gets it. But it would be nice if we could talk every once in a while. I know she’s head over heals in love with Dale, and frankly, I don’t care about that, I say good for her. Mine will come along one of these days. No, I would just like to be able to call her up once in a while and say: “Hey…How are you doing?” I wish she would let me take our dogs on weekends when they go away instead of boarding them. I want…to be friends. Not great friends, hey-what-are-you-doing-this-weekend kind of friends, but casual friends. It seems that 1/3 of my life should be worth at least that, shouldn’t it? Here’s a quote that does a great job of summing up how I feel:

We’re no longer lovers or partners. Does that mean that the common interests and friendship we shared has to go out the window too? I don’t regret the 12 years we spent together…unless it ultimately turns out to produce nothing. If so, then it was just a huge waste. For both of us.

2

Oh, Weirddave…

I feel for you.

I’m not sure what to say. I know an e-mail message of consolation from someone you don’t know won’t affect what’s happened to you.

But you have my sympathies. And I hope this works out as best it can.

–Scribble.

3

It would be nice if you could have that kind of relationship. But really, wouldn’t it hurt you more, and extend the pain you already feel…to hear her voice and how her life is going, especially on the days when maybe yours isn’t going so good?

4

Actually, not. What we had relationshipwise is done, but I do not throw her out for that. She can’t seem to seperate that, and that’s what I regret.

5

Dover Beach
by Matthew Arnold
The sea is calm tonight.
The tide is full, the moon lies fair
Upon the straits; on the French coast, the light
Gleams and is gone; the cliffs of England stand,
Glimmering and vast, out in the tranquil bay.
Come to the window, sweet is the night-air!
Only, from the long line of spray
Where the sea meets the moon-blanched land,

Listen! you hear the grating roar
Of pebbles which the waves draw back, and fling,
At their return, up the high strand,
Begin, and cease, and then again begin,
With tremulous cadence slow, and bring
The eternal note of sadness in.

Sophocles long ago
Heard it on the Aegean, and it brought
Into his mind the turbid ebb and flow
Of human misery; we
Find also in the sound a thought,
Hearing it by this distant northern sea.

The Sea of Faith
Was once, too, at the full, and round earth’s shore
Lay like the folds of a bright girdle furled.
But now I only hear
Its melancholy, long, withdrawing roar,
Retreating, to the breath
Of the night-wind, down the vast edges drear
And naked shingles of the world.

Ah, love, let us be true
To one another! for the world, which seems
To lie before us like a land of dreams,
So various, so beautiful, so new,
Hath really neither joy, nor love, nor light,
Nor certitude, nor peace, nor help for pain;
And we are here as on a darkling plain
Swept with confused alarms of struggle and flight,
Where ignorant armies clash by night.

6

I can identify with the regrets expressed so eloquently.

When I think about it , which is less and less often these days , I regret things done and not done , said and not said and the path we ultimately decided to take.

By regret I don’t mean that feeling of “oh if only I had my time over again things could have been so different”
I mean a general feeling of sadness , a sort of dull ache, almost like nostalgia for what might have been, and certainly a yearning for those feelings and times we shared when the future looked like it was ours to own.

My divorce is perhaps not indicative of what most people go through. No kids involved , amicable and yet not, and ultimately prompted by a single irreconcilable problem that could not be resolved or worked around.

I feel anger sometimes too for sure. What happened wasn’t really fair. I feel as though I was suckered. But there’s really no-one to blame so the anger just hangs around undirected and serves no purpose.

We live in different countries now and I’ve carried out my obligations. All possessions have been exchanged as appropriate, all matters settled. We live very, very different lives and it seems that where once we had so much to share now I cannot see what we can have in common any more. We have no reason to talk or stay in contact and there’s’ too much to not talk about for that to change.

I’ll find a photo and be overcome , a letter to Mr. and Mrs. can leave me gasping for breath but that’s happening less often even after such a short time.

What had been so intense and so vital and so important pales now in comparison to what I’ve since found. I’ve embarked on a new and magnificent adventure with someone I already love so much more that the woman I once thought was one
I would spent forever with. I’ve found something that has superseded what I ever expected from life with my ex-wife.

Those feelings for her are almost gone, those plans we had, those hopes we shared, the obstacles we overcame .….it all amounted to nothing but this regret, this regret that fades a little more every day.

We had expended so much energy, committed so much of our emotional cores, and worked and strived so hard against so much to make a life together and now it has come to the stage where I can’t even properly remember how the grief felt, its all gone now, it all came to nothing.

I sometimes horrify myself by wondering if it hadn’t all been a waste of time as it seems so insignificant now in comparison and somehow that’s what I regret most of all.

7

I usually write between 11 PM and 6 or so AM, but when the sparks come I don’t pour water on 'em.

Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road.
You cannot split in two to see which one is safe.
Your friends are here for you through heavy or light load
Let us, your friends, now help you to live a lush life.

The paper says she’s gone now; that’s not news to you
You knew your time with her had ended long before
So what is left to dream, to see and then to do?
You know your life’s not done; indeed, there’s so much more.

Your friends have stayed with you through all the grief and tears
when watching you go on, and felt the pain inside.
Your inner strength won’t let you fade; you have your fears,
but you’re determined, won’t be swept off by the tide.

There’s no advice to give, no deep thoughts for the ride
because I know you know just what you need to do.
We’re all here when you need us, walking alongside.
[sub]I don’t know what it says that I couldn’t think of a last line, but I can speculate . . . this has only happened once before.[/sub]

8

Wow, reading this has brought up things that I thought I had been done with, but with further introspection, find that I am still thinking about at times.

Weirddave, I can really empathize with your OP. I still find myself stopped dead in my tracks every once in a while, when going somewhere or seeing something that brings up a memory. And I find myself thinking about what we had, and what we planned, and what we dreamed, and how things just blew up and out of control for us.

For me divorce was something that never crossed my mind. It was the unthinkable. My word is my Life, it’s what I am, and how I live. Never in a thousand years did I think I would at some point be holding those papers in my hand.

It was an amiable divorce, cause I can’t hold anger for someone who meant that much to me at one time, which surprised those friends of mine that knew me, and know I can hold a grudge for a long time. I am thankful there was no children involved, because of the reasons behind the divorce.

But it’s amazing how many things go through your mind after the deed is done, and you’ve laid the marriage to rest. How many things can still stop you, or overwhelm you a bit with no warning.

I’m not talking about depression or the sorrow one goes though at first, but more of the “mourning” feeling you get. Almost as if you’re remembering an old friend who died. Which in some respects is closer to what is really experienced I feel.

After all, most of the time, that other person was at one point your closest friend, your confidant. And usually in most divorces one severs the ties with the other, leaving that sense of loss. Also sometimes the abruptness of it also adds to that feeling. Even though you see it coming, you don’t believe that divorce will happen, because you’re committed to trying everything, and that everything will be ok, and things will be fixed. But then the straw breaks the camels back, and you’ve reached the point of no return.

So you find yourself stopped at the strangest of times thinking about those things, and mourning their loss. And it doesn’t take much sometimes. A drive down an old road, a letter addressed to Mr. And Mrs., a song, or sometimes a restaurant. Sometimes it doesn’t last long, sometimes it lasts for a few hours.

And it’s not that you’re not done dealing with the baggage, on the contrary, you are. I came to terms with my divorce a long time ago, and I know it was the best thing to do. I won’t say I don’t regret it, because that would be a lie. I believe that most people do regret divorce, outside of the divorces to abusive, controlling people and their ilk. After all, mistakes were made, and people were hurt. You do the best you can do, and move on, and continue living your life.

But every now and then, that cold wind blows, and causes you to think back. But I have come to realize that this is a good thing, because I know, that my dreams are still intact, and that my heart is still whole, and that somewhere there is another who might fill those dreams, and share them. It builds you as a person, makes you stronger, and gives you insight and knowledge of what to do in the future when another comes to take that place.

So as strange as it sounds, take comfort in those memories at times. Even though I know how it turned out, if I could go back and change something, I wouldn’t because I feel that would change me, and I like who, and what I have become. It’s cliché I know, but like the words of “The Dance”, " I would’ve missed the pain, but I would have to miss the Dance."

OK. That was long and winded, and careened all over the road like a drunk driver, so I apologize for that now, I do much better with sarcastic humor, but it felt good to get that out.