Last night my wife and I decided to divorce after 15 years together, 13 years married. As the one who “left,” I’m thinking I should feel a little better than I do. In truth, I feel like a complete and utter failure, as if everything I touch is going to go straight to hell in a handbasket. I sure could use a little reassurance from some of the other divorced dopers that sometime, maybe not soon, but sometime, this incredible emptiness is going to heal over.
Sorry to hear you had to make that decision. It may take a while, but you might start to see that the “failure” you feel is more the relationship than it is “you” as a person. As time goes by, you may start to see your successes in life more clearly because they aren’t clouded by the baggage that you carry in a relationship that isn’t working. It took a long time for me to even imagine myself as a separate entity from my ex, but eventually, I was able to see myself as a much better individual without him than with him. It really will get better. Good luck in your new life.
I too was the one to leave. And while I never missed my husband one minute afterwards, I also felt like a failure. We were together 17 years. I didn’t file for divorce until we had been separated for 3 years. Even then when the papers came through I cried like a baby and felt a great sense of loss. I do not regret leaving him and cannot imagine ever being intimate with him again, but occasionally I do feel like it was all such a big mistake, the entire marriage, and completely my fault. This usually occurs when my son, who is 9, will ask about us and why we can’t get back together. It’s a little puzzling to me since he was only 2 when we left. I guess it’s his age and the fact that he identifies with his dad so well right now.
If you are relatively normal and not one prone to dwell on your mishaps and mistakes then these feelings will get a little better each day. Keep in mind though that if you have children there will perhaps always be that niggling doubt that arises every now and then. It’s just something you will learn to live with.
Needs2know
My ex was completely shocked when I asked him to move out. He didn’t think things were as bad as they were. I had tried to talk to him about what was wrong and everything but I couldn’t say anything without him blowing up and yelling at me. I finally just quit talking to him and shut him out completely. I knew when we got married that it was a mistake but I was pregnant and felt like I had no choice. (Big Mistake!!) He worked night shift and didn’t get home until 2:00 a.m. and would go to bed at 6:30 after I got up so I didn’t have to see him much. I ended up having an affair and getting pregnant by this other man. I knew then that something definitely had to change. The affair was a mistake and I knew it at the time but with everything I was going through and everything I was feeling I just wasn’t thinking clearly. The pregnancy that resulted from the affair actually gave me the courage to ask my husband to move out and to file for divorce. I knew that I couldn’t let my ex think that this was his child when I knew that it wasn’t.
The feeling of failure that I had eventually went away. I am the only one in my family to be divorced so I felt really ashamed in the first months after my divorce. I have an “aquaintance” (I won’t call her a friend because she’s really not) who makes little off comments about divorced people like she’s so much better because she’s been married for 10 years. She also makes little comments about children that are in her kid’s class whose parents are divorced. She seems to think that because the parents are divorced the kid is going to grow up to be a delinquent or something. She says these little things without thinking and when she says them in front of me I always have a few choice words for her. You would think that one of these days she’ll wise up and stop saying shit like that in front of me. It really pisses me off that people look down on me because I did what I had to do.
I have no doubt that I made the right decision and it took me a while to get over the guilt that I had from causing my ex so much pain. I wouldn’t change a thing though. What I did was best for everyone… for me, my ex, our daughter, and my son. I hope that everything works out for you and that your divorce is an amicable one. Things will get better. Just give it time. 15 years is a long time to be with someone you can’t expect the emptiness to go away overnight. It’s going to take some time. Good luck!
plnnr - I’ve been there, done that, got the t-shirt, etc. I know how you’re feeling, I know how it hurts, and I know it will get better. Trust me, it will.
I’m not very comfortable sharing personal stuff on the board, but if you’d like to email me and start a discussion about all this, please, feel free. I’ll be happy to be a shoulder - and a supportive one, I promise.
I’d do a smiley here, but I hate pissing off people with nuclear capabilities, so here’s a hug. {{{{{plnnr}}}}}
I’ve been separated for two years now. It was easy for me to split because my wife committed adultery. She left me no choice but to end the marriage. The trust was gone.
It’s been a rough road, but it gets easier every day.
Hang in there.
Hi plnnr,
I know you didn’t get much sleep last night! That’s one of the tougher nights you’ll ever live through.
Your post suggests that it’s something you both want. Since you both wanted out, then this is just a natural step in the process, albeit a painful and difficult one. There will be some restless nights, self doubt, constant thinking, rehashing, and pain. They are all part of the process. And they will all go away.
My only real advice is to go slowly. Don’t run to the lawyer’s office and try to wrap everything up by the end of the week. Let things take a comfortable pace.
And don’t rebound and marry the first woman that smiles at you. The second divorce is a lot easier than the first.
Maybe the process will be easier as you come to understand that this is something you both want.
I wasn’t so lucky. My first wife and I divorced some years back. We had our share of problems, but there was nothing in our relationship that I viewed as terminal.
I’d gone into Sears to buy a new drill. (A typical guy thing to do.) I selected one that was on sale for about $30.00 and took it to the counter where a very nice young sales clerk informed me that she couldn’t accept my credit card. We bantered back and forth a bit, and she suggested that I should speak with a manager. Well, the manager came over, politely maneuvered me away from the checkout counter and other people and explained to me that they couldn’t accept my credit card because I was no longer a valid signatory on the account. Still confused, I pressed for details. The manager finally suggested that, “your wife has had your name removed from the account – perhaps you should speak with your lawyer”.
That’s when it hit me. My wife had already seen a lawyer and was proceeding to have our credit cards, bank accounts, etc separated.
The part of the process that I always found the most troubling was that Sears never attempted to process the credit card. Everyone in the store had been informed that I was not allowed to use the account and the process of refusing the credit sale had begun the instant the clerk saw me.
Sorry to delve into this. But rest easier knowing that others of us have been there – and we believe that you’ll come out of this just fine.
I’m divorced, as is my SO. I think his situation is closer to yours - I was only married for 2 years, and we both realized fairly soon that the marriage was a mistake. My SO, on the other hand, was with his ex for 15 years.
Take it slooooow. Don’t expect all feelings and emotions to be gone overnight. It’s been about 2.5 years since my SO separated from his ex, and he still, on occasion, gets feelings of guilt and failure. All this is fine and normal. Don’t feel like everything has to be done right away, and don’t feel like you and the ex have to hate each other. You don’t. People grow apart for a lot of reasons, and it’s better to just admit that and move forwards than to beat a dead horse.
It does and will get better, but not over night. Hang in there.
Yes, you have every reason to feel badly about what happened. You will run through in your mind everything to the day you first met to your decision to get married (“What were we thinking?”) to every good and bad thing that happened in your time together.
You will almost start to become schitzo as you go back and forth from taking the attitudes of “It was allmy fault,” “No it was all her fault,” “We never should have gotten married since it never would have worked out,” and “we could have worked it out, if only…” often within seconds of each other emotion.
And like the death of someone (and really, that’s not melodrama - a marriage died), I don’t think you ever really get over it 100%. Something changes in you, and even years later, you will get a fleeting memory which stops you dead in your tracks or someone wearing the same perfume as your ex comes along and makes you think or maybe you even (if you have kids or live ina smaller community) see her all the time anyway, and that is always odd.
But, even like a death, you do learn to deal with it.
Good luck…
Yer pal,
Satan
I HAVE BEEN SMOKE-FREE FOR:
Three months, two weeks, three days, 12 hours, 55 minutes and 43 seconds.
4341 cigarettes not smoked, saving $542.69.
Life saved: 2 weeks, 1 day, 1 hour, 45 minutes.
I’ve put my divorce behind me and have locked all those feelings away. I don’t need or want to deal with them anymore. I fought with myself for years trying to come to grips with the feelings separation, discovered adultery and eventually divorce bred within me. The absence of my son also weighed (weighs) heavily.
A six-month deployment very effectively enables you to lock away many of your feelings. I fear many of these feelings will rear their ugly heads upon my return.
Ah, well. I shall overcome. It ain’t easy, but I’m through torturing myself over it.
Thank you all for the support.
This has been coming for a while now, but the actual saying of the words “We are going to get a divorce” was, without a doubt, the hardest thing I’ve ever had to say in my life. It physically hurt to say it. And then to have to hear that door close as I walked out. It still rings in my ears.
I know that time will heal this. I also know that there is no fault to be found. Relationships have a life span (or at least they do in my estimation). As Satan put it, our marriage died. What do you do when there’s a death in the family? You grieve. So, I’ll grieve. Unfortunately, there is isn’t the post-funeral reception that usually takes place in my family, full of good food and drink and alot of “remember when…” Right now there’s just a tremendous amount of stony silence.
Thanks again for the support. I appreciate it whole-heartedly.
I walked out on my husband nearly an entire year before the divorce was final. Things changed a lot in the interim. The night I left, once I got into my new “home” (didn’t feel anything like it) I cried hysterically for half an hour, nearly making myself sick. I knew there was no choice, that I would die if I stayed, but at the same time I walked out on my marriage. The worst feeling in the world - felt like a quitter, a hypocrite (I’m Christian), and a first class failure.
When the divorce was final, I was flying. I walked out of the courthouse the happiest woman on the planet.
It’s hard, though, in the beginning. And my divorce was only final a few months ago, so the memory is still fresh. My email is cara_mia12@yahoo.com if you want to talk.
I didn’t grieve over the “death” of my marriage. I never shed one tear over it. I didn’t like to hurt my ex the way I did but that’s my nature… I don’t like to hurt anyone! Yes I felt bad about divorcing him but it was the only thing I could do.
I don’t miss my ex at all. I see him when he picks up/drops off our daughter and that’s it. We don’t chit chat either. If something about our daughter needs to be addressed, we’ll talk about it and that’s it. We’re friendly with each other but we’re not friends. I don’t dwell on the past and think about “What if I’d done/said this,” “Should I have tried to make it work,” “It was all my fault.” etc. It’s over and done with and I’m glad I did it. I think the reason I don’t have any sentimental or emotional feelings about my marriage and divorce is because I was never really in love with him to begin with. Perhaps if I had been in love with him and truly cared about him I would have been more upset over the end of our marriage.
And one word of caution in regard to your joint accounts. Seperate them as soon as you can. Get seperate charge accounts, checking accounts, and savings accounts. Make sure that it is specified in your decree who has to pay what credit cards and then remove your name from the accounts your ex has to pay. If she defaults on payment and your name is still on the account, it goes on your credit record too.
I hope all of this doesn’t sound too negative and I’m sorry if it does but divorces can get nasty. Even if your civil and amicable now, things can change over the course of the next few months and you need to protect yourself.
Good luck with everything. It will get a little better everyday.
DO NOT (UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES) move out of your home! Instead, pick a day when she is out, then call a locksmith and change the locks
IMMEDIATELY: close ALL joint bank accounts, credit cards, etc.
Don’t forget-this person that you shared your life with will shortly become a MAJOR PAIN in the ass, and will wind up costing you A LOT of money!
I was divorced by my wife, and my only regret is that i lost the house!
Finally, consider filing a complaint of harassment with your local PD, this will put her on notice that you won’t be pushed around!
Remember-the law is out to screw you, and she (and her lawyer) will wring every penny you have out of you, if you allow them to-the best defense is a good offense!
Marriage is for life isn’t it?
Didn’t I make those vows?
I should have tried harder.
Was it my fault?
Maybe this is the easy way out.
I am weak.
What will people think of me?
What about the kids?
etc.
etc.
etc.
I have been divorced since 1993. When I was married in 1987 I figured that this was it. Divorce wasn’t an option or why get married?
Seems like the ex had different ideas than I did.
Even though the relationship was painful and destructive it was still difficult to let it all go. We didn’t have any children so it could have been worse.
So five years ago I meet Lola who is the love of my life and everything I want my significant other to be. We have a beautiful family and a life that is not without its share of struggle. This struggle serves to bring us closer. If there is such a thing as a soulmate she is all of that and more.
It will get better although that is difficult and perhaps impossible to see right now. It is easier if you have good friends and family to talk to that won’t be judgemental and respect your decision.
I know other people who have separated and discovered that they were wrong and deceided to give it one more try. I know a couple that are still together 5 years after and happier than they ever were. Nothing is set in stone here.
Plnnr: My divorce is not yet final, but I’m answering anyway. Hope you don’t mind that.
I have no regrets. I married at age 19, and at that time, I knew that I wanted to be marred to him. That was what I wanted, that was who I was, I was not making a mistake. And it wasn’t a mistake. What I didn’t know was that what I knew would change. You grow, you learn, you change whether you think you do or not. The love I felt for my husband on the day I married him still exists, it simply exists in a different form. He and I were together since I was seventeen…there is no way I can feel comfortable regretting my marriage to him, because to do that would be, IMO, to regret that whole part of my life, and I don’t.
The simple fact of the matter is not that I failed as a wife or that he failed as a husband, but that we just didn’t grow in the same direction. We both have our faults, we both made mistakes…many small ones that just kept building and building, and a few large ones that blew the roof off of everything. Even having had the feeling for the last few years that I wasn’t in love with my husband, I didn’t feel that it was easy to leave my marriage. Starting over is difficult, scary, shaky. It almost seems easier to stay in a loveless marriage because it’s familiar. But, again IMO, familiarity does not necessarily mean “good” or “comfortable”, and I don’t think anyone can be truly content with themselves if they’re not comfortable with their relationships.
What I knew about compassion and compatibility, I tossed out a window when I wasn’t honest with my husband about my very large mistakes. But I came clean with him, and myself, and found that while I was genuinely sorry for hurting him, I still did not feel that we were meant to be “Us”. It’s important to be honest with yourself. Your self-respect depends on it, and you can’t do anything your heart isn’t in and expect to come out happy. I didn’t marry with the intention of getting divorced, and I’m not divorcing with the intention of hating my husband. Very sadly, we’re not seeing eye-to-eye on a lot of things, but I’ve maintained that I want our parting to be amicable and though I’m met with resistance from him on that front, I still strive to be friendly with him no matter what. I already feel enough like the bad guy, even though logically I know I’m not solely responsible for the breakdown of my marriage.
I am sorry that you’re marriage is over, plnnr. Though you may feel like a failure now, you will realize in time that what you’ve done is best for you, and ultimately, your wife. Best of luck to you both, my friend.
Plnnr: My divorce is not yet final, but I’m answering anyway. Hope you don’t mind that.
I have no regrets. I married at age 19, and at that time, I knew that I wanted to be marred to him. That was what I wanted, that was who I was, I was not making a mistake. And it wasn’t a mistake. What I didn’t know was that what I knew would change. You grow, you learn, you change whether you think you do or not. The love I felt for my husband on the day I married him still exists, it simply exists in a different form. He and I were together since I was seventeen…there is no way I can feel comfortable regretting my marriage to him, because to do that would be, IMO, to regret that whole part of my life, and I don’t.
The simple fact of the matter is not that I failed as a wife or that he failed as a husband, but that we just didn’t grow in the same direction. We both have our faults, we both made mistakes…many small ones that just kept building and building, and a few large ones that blew the roof off of everything. Even having had the feeling for the last few years that I wasn’t in love with my husband, I didn’t feel that it was easy to leave my marriage. Starting over is difficult, scary, shaky. It almost seems easier to stay in a loveless marriage because it’s familiar. But, again IMO, familiarity does not necessarily mean “good” or “comfortable”, and I don’t think anyone can be truly content with themselves if they’re not comfortable with their relationships.
What I knew about compassion and compatibility, I tossed out a window when I wasn’t honest with my husband about my very large mistakes. But I came clean with him, and myself, and found that while I was genuinely sorry for hurting him, I still did not feel that we were meant to be “Us”. It’s important to be honest with yourself. Your self-respect depends on it, and you can’t do anything your heart isn’t in and expect to come out happy. I didn’t marry with the intention of getting divorced, and I’m not divorcing with the intention of hating my husband. Very sadly, we’re not seeing eye-to-eye on a lot of things, but I’ve maintained that I want our parting to be amicable and though I’m met with resistance from him on that front, I still strive to be friendly with him no matter what. I already feel enough like the bad guy, even though logically I know I’m not solely responsible for the breakdown of my marriage.
I am sorry that your marriage is over, plnnr. Though you may feel like a failure now, you will realize in time that what you’ve done is best for you, and ultimately, your wife. Best of luck to you both, my friend.
I have been separated for about a year (with one failed attempt at reconciliation thrown in) and my divorce is becoming imminent. I can very much sympathize with what many are saying here, and it’s comforting to know others can relate, or have been through it and survived.
I was one of those people who, at one time, looked down my nose at people who seemed to get divorced so easily. I was a married-for-life kind of guy.
I’ve since learned that one person can’t hold a marriage together, and sometimes, you really have no option other than getting divorced. My family and friends think I’m insane for sticking around as long as I did, but I’m so damn loyal and I wanted to try to make it work, well past the point that it became obvious nothing more could be done.
I’ll never speak ill of my ex. She was the love of my life. My God, I married her! Other than possibly a parent-child relationship, how much bigger does it get than that?
I’ve run the gamate of emotions throughout the course of this. You learn dumb little tricks, like not putting in your contact lenses right away in the morning, on the off chance that this is going to be a ‘crying’ morning, and it will make your eyes uncomfortable all the rest of the day.
I saved something a columnist from The Asheville (N.C.) Citizen Times wrote a while back, initially just because I thought it was great writing. But it’s become a lot more relevant to me lately, and maybe some of you will want to read these excerpts from it.
Anyway, the columnist’s name was Chris Cox, and he was going through a divorce, and he wrote:
I’m pretty sure we’ll be OK. Hang in there.
I’m not as eloquent as some of the others, but I too have “been there, done that”. Yea, it hurts like hell for a while, it does get better. The only thing I can offer is whatever the reason was for the breakup, try not to be bitter about it. If it’s at all possible, try to stay on friendly, talking terms with the ex.
Take care,
V.
plnnr: Chalk me up as another “been there too.”
I am married now, to my second husband. I left my first one. We had been together for five years, married for one. Nothing really wrong with us, to be honest. I was just a stupid, stupid girl, and didn’t feel like working on what trivial little problems we had.
Yes, you feel like a failure now. I did too. Took me a loooooong time to get over that. From time to time it still bugs me. The 28th of July, if we were still married, would be our 10th wedding anniversary, and I still feel guilt about my foolishness.
My husband now is a great guy, but we’ve got our problems too, and we’re in counseling to deal with them. Slowly but surely, things are getting better between us.
Sometimes, though, things just don’t work. They just don’t. You have to accept that. Then you can begin to heal. The pain may never completely go away, but it will get less bad, over time.
There’s a great book, that I recommend whenever I get the chance–it’s called How to Survive the Loss of a Love. It was written by a psychiatrist, a social worker, and a poet. It’s got lots of common-sense advice on how to just get through the painful trials that this life gives us. It’s a nice, slender volume, easy to read over and over and over again. Not a huge book with lots of complicated stuff, because you don’t need that right now.
You will be riding a serious emotional rollercoaster for a while–don’t be afraid to get some kind of therapy, if you think you need help dealing with the emotional upheaval. This is a huge life change, and a traumatic one. If you have and Employee Assistance Program at your job, you might want to give them a call.
It will be very hard, but you will get better, in time. Feel free to email me, if you ever just want to chat.