He's moved out...and I don't feel as bad as I expected.

Okay, if you’ve been following the saga, you know that I asked my husband to move out. He has, finally, although it’s on a temporary basis right now. The plan is to review things with the marriage counselor in a few weeks about whether to continue the separation or not. He’s shooting for two weeks; the marriage counselor is leaning toward “after the first of the year.”
Frankly, I’m a little worried about myself. I don’t feel too upset about all of this–I feel sort of numb and relieved, and I’m very sad for him because I know he’s having a terrible time of it. But for myself…hmmmm. Shouldn’t I be a wreck here?
I feel sort of…peaceful. I think. It’s been so long since I had peace in my home and in my heart that I’m not even sure that’s what I feel. I’m a little stressed, of course, but it’s a different type of stress than I lived with constantly when we were together, and as stress goes, I prefer this brand. I’ve reached a point where I truly believe I’ve done everything I could do. Separating is the last chance–if we don’t work this out, or if it works only temporarily and then returns to the unhappy dynamic we had, then it’s straight to a permanent split. And I feel okay with that option too.
Am I awful? Or do you suppose this (perhaps temporary) serenity is to be expected, after years of strife and–at risk of starting another debate–verbal abuse?
I look at myself–so collected, so determined, so set on becoming healthy in myself and creating something healthy for my kids–and I wonder, where the hell were YOU the last ten years? It’s weird.

All I can say is what I told my therapist yesterday: I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m not going back to that.

Get this: I’m even getting my house clean. If you can imagine.


Good for you, bodypoet.

I’m thinking about you and sending good vibes your way.

I felt much the same way when the Ex and I split. I was just so glad to not have to do those shitty days anymore. Unfortunately, after about six months, I started missing him and feeling afraid of being alone, and I tried to get back with him (he didn’t want to). It was a really stupid mistake for me. All I can say is that you feel what you feel, and that can’t be wrong. You’ve taken the first step, and you sound like you’re confident in your decision. Go with your gut. You’ll know what to do. Good luck!

I have been following, and I do not at all think your feelings are misplaced. You’ve been going through the entire range of human emotions over this and suddenly you can actually sit back and relax for a moment. While you have the peace, you have the peace of mind to logically consider the pros and cons.

My wife and I dated for years before the stress finally just got to us. We seperated for a year, and then just kinda came back together after seeing each other only every so often. We had the chance to grow as our own selves while remembering the good times we had in the past.

Now, we are so much closer and understanding of each other it’s wonderful. We’re not only in love, but also best friends.
Chin up, Karol. Good luck.

Good for you and good luck!

I felt much the same when my ex and I split up. It wasn’t even that bad - we didn’t hate each other or anything, and had an entirely amicable divorce. I was just so relieved when he finally moved out and I could get on with my life! I felt a bit strange, though - after hearing so many awful divorce stories, I kept wondering why I wasn’t miserable. But I wasn’t, and I never was.

That’s it exactly…I finally have a chance to quit living the drama, you know? I’m just feeling guilty because he’s having such a hard time and is constantly pointing out that I’m “emotionally flat” about the whole thing. (He doesn’t see it as relief, naturally.)

I guess the thing is, I don’t feel like there is a lot I can do to fix it at this point. I think he’s got to get healthy within himself before we can even attempt to be a couple again. He’s not unhealthy because of our relationship; our relationship is unhealthy because he isn’t healthy. (If that makes sense?) And unfortunately, I can’t heal him…this time the ball is firmly in his court, and he’s got to take some initiative.

But I still feel sorry for the big lug. It’s a terribly hard thing to go through.

There isn’t a lot you can do to fix it. You said yourself that the ball is in his court. Just keep that in mind. (Make it your mantra, if you have to.)

I’m glad you’re not a wreck, I’m glad you’ve got some calm time. Think of it as a mental housecleaning, too. By asking him to leave, you’re removing some stress (at least physically.)

I’m crossing my fingers that he realizes he can change stuff, and if he doesn’t, that things go smoothly for you.

Just a word of warning… the initial relief can be followed up a few weeks or months later by something of an emotional sledgehammer. It might not happen to you, but just be prepared for it and be strong.

Good luck, bodypoet, and here’s hoping your Bubble of Serenity stays intact. :slight_smile:

I’ve been following along, too. While I’ve never been divorced, I do know what it’s like to feel curiously flat after an ordeal is over. I think it’s pretty normal, maybe a form of tiredness as well as relief. I’m one of the people who are here for you. E-mail me if you need to, and take care yourself. Might I recommend a cup of hot chocolate with marshmallows and cinnamon?


You have been on my mind a lot lately.
If you need anything give me a yell. I’m not sure if you tried to e-mail me and if you did it probably got eaten by my mail filter.

I felt like you did when I left for those few days. The shouldn’t I be more upset thing.
Good luck and remember I am cheering for you and also that I am only an e-mail or IM away if you neet to scream, yell, cry, or just vent.

I can feel the support waves comin’ my way. Thank you all so much.

And cross your fingers for tomorrow–meeting with the therapist and talking about when we can review things. Eeeek.

I am holding you in my heart, honey, and in my prayers. You are strong and you are brave, and it doesn’t matter what you are feeling right NOW…this is a break. A break so you can figure out what is best for you and your kidlets. A break so you can figure out how you REALLY feel without having any extraneous stuff distracting you from determining what you REALLY want and NEED to do.

Best of luck to you, honey. I am in your corner, cheering.

Email me if you want to talk, or vent, or wax euphoric about how peaceful it is. Mind you, I am not saying that peace is your final goal, sometimes peaceful can be kind of lonely…but a time of peace can allow you to come to real truth. And a place of truth is always a good place to be.

Much Love,


Feeling emotionally flat after something like this is not unusual. Not at all. This has been such a trying time, and you’ve been feeling so many things for so long now. You’re drained. But don’t worry–you’ll be okay.

And don’t let the guilt get to you too much. Yes, it will be difficult for both of you. But you’ll pull through it.

I’d also wait more than two weeks. It took longer than that to reach this point. It certainly won’t heal up that quickly.

You know where I am if you need me!

You are where I should be. I envy you for this.

I am with Scotticher and Kricket. My email’s right there if you need it. I can definitely empathize.

And I promise to only be a listener! I’m good at it. Just ask my clients…uh…friends! :wink:

I’ve been following this as well, and while I haven’t been where you are either emotionally or going through a bad marriage, I support you. You’ve taken a big step and you need to work on getting yourself, your children, your life in order. If that can accommodate your husband (should he straighten out his own life), then you will need strength to work on that too.

Remember, there is no appropriate way to feel at a time like this. You are not wrong to feel the way you feel. You also wouldn’t be wrong if you burst out crying for no apparent reason for the next few days. I’m sure people have done that in your circumstances. Your mind and your emotions are dealing with it in the way that is best for you. And no one can or should pass judgment on that.

As long as you’re not hurting yourself or others, your reactions, your emotions, your behavior is part of the process. If you understand that, you’ll get healthier quicker, IMHO. I’m not a counselor or psychologist, so this is just my take on it. But I don’t think it’s wrong for you to feel the way you do.

Good luck. Keep us posted. We want to offer you our support.

Karol -

Best wishes, and for whatever good it may be (coming from a life-long single):

You are now in the position of “storm’s over” - you should feel relief and peace, if not joy. After 10 years, however, you are conditioned to the storm - eventually, some part of you will miss it. Please don’t fall into that trap.

It will get better, day by day.

See for yourself. Keep a diary. Make sure you write one page a day, preferably at the same time every day. If you have the will, keep an ordinary diary, but don’t read anything what you wrote. If you don’t have the will, write your daily page, seal it in an envelope and date the envelope.

As part of a reward, come Thanksgiving, open up a couple of envelopes from your start and read them. You’ll see just how far you’ve come in only two weeks plus. From then on, do it once a week, always staying two weeks or more behind in your readings. But keep writing.

For Christmas, open up all your envelopes and now keep a full open diary. Try not to rearead things until after the irst of the year.

You will be amazed how strong you’ve become, how much more independent you’ve become, more self confident, yadda, yadda.

You will succeed. :slight_smile:

Keep us informed.

Don’t beat yourself up for not being a wreck! It’s OK to feel relieved. Just deal with your feelings as they come up.

Just remember, his feelings are not your responsibility. They are his responsibilty.
You’re doing just fine…