Separation: Week Six. Or Eight. I'm not sure.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Let’s see…I think we’re in about week six of our Official Separation, so I thought an update might be in order. (You all don’t spend time thinking about things OTHER than me, do you? Huh?)

Things are going pretty well, actually. I have somewhat come down from the initial high I experienced, wherein I walked around like someone abruptly awakened from a bad dream, muttering happily about how blue the sky is and how alive I feel.
But that’s okay–I still feel good. I feel confident, strong, and healthy, and I am still able to marvel at how nice it is to feel this way again.

My husband, on the other hand, is miserable and wants to Come Home. Right now. Tonight, tomorrow, by Jan 1 at the latest. I say no, the therapist says no; he is as insistent as possible, given the circumstances. He is, to his credit, making a sincere effort to do what the therapist tells him he needs to do in order to improve his marriage and his life. He’s finishing the chores he promises to do; keeping his temper under control; maintaining a positive attitude around me and the kids. We haven’t gotten along like this in…well, ever.

Still…we aren’t quite there. I have a feeling that, while he’s doing all the right things and saying all the right things, he doesn’t quite get it. He is, as far as relationships go, a first responder–he knows what he’s supposed to do, without having a real feel for WHY he’s supposed to do it. He hasn’t even begun to address the inequities in our relationship on that level, and those are major, major issues.

Overall, I guess we’re making slow progress, which is a good thing. A month ago, I secretly believed this would absolutely end in divorce. Now, I’m willing to recognize the possibility (however remote) that we might, just possibly, work it out. Maybe. More time, more therapy, more commitment, more respect–all of those factors will increase our chances.

In other news, it’s snowing to beat the band, and we’re due to have up to 5 inches by newspaper time. sigh

Thanks again, Dopers, for all your support. You’ve been incredible.

best,
karol

2

((((karol))))

Good to hear that things are okay!

I do hope he learns to understand the why, though. That’s just so important. It’s one of the issues that I have with my own husband, in fact. We’ve been through counselling, too, and he’ll be great for a while…but then it’s back to the same-old same-old. Because he didn’t get the “why.” I know it’s hard, but it CAN be learned.

Best of luck!

Much love,
Cristi

3

I just wanted to give you my good wishes and offer you any strength I’ve got to spare. I’m all in favor of growth, but it can be painful sometimes! I’m glad you have hope, but I also wish you the courage of your convictions. E-mail me if you need to.

CJ

4

If you feel that you need more time, then by all means take more time. Six weeks is a very short time in the grand scheme of things. Why the rush?

5

bodypoet, I just wanted to wish you well in this. I’ve never been in your position, but I just helped my best friend cope with it all summer. Lean on your friends, that’s what we’re all here for.

The only thing I can say is take your time. My best friend got back together with her husband after being separated for 10 months, and 4 months later he’s right back to being an ass. But hey, he’s working on it, moreso than he was last year at this time.

Good luck.

6

i’m glad both of you are staying the course with therapy. that is very important.

i hope things continue to improve.

7

Oh, I’m with you, Spooky. I’m in no rush at ALL. I’m thinking in terms of months here, and he is hoping for…days, weeks, no more.
He wants to come home, of course, because he’s lonely–he misses the kids (although he spends more time with them now than he did before he left), and he isn’t comfortable staying where he is, and he wants his wife.
The therapist is working with him on all of this, of course, and I do think that he understands that if he comes home too soon, we will end up split permanently, because I am NOT going through all of this again.
Life is too good. I’m not going to be miserable again.

8

Well, I’m sorry that in addition to the separation adjustment, you also have to negotiate with him about what’s realistic. But you sound strong.

Are you still making soaps?

9

I haven’t made soap for a while, but I have soap in stock, and I’m planning a soapmaking day next time we get snowed in. It almost makes snow worthwhile!

Right now I’m making candles and trying to get my ebay business cleaned up (ha! soap supplies! cleaned up!!!) for the new year. I have too much crap and not enough space. (Bet THAT doesn’t sound familiar to you crafterdopers, huh?)

10

I’m glad things are still going in a positive direction. I hope they continue to do so.
Monday night was rough for me. How many people can get degraded and in an argument at a Harry Potter movie?
It wasn’t pretty.

Now on to something fun…do you or can you make green tea scented soap and candles? Mostly I am killing myself trying to find the candles.

11

I haven’t made green tea scented stuff yet, but I can. I’d love an excuse to try some new fragrances; drop me an email if you want me to whip some up for you.

Drop me an email anyway, if you like. I’m sorry Monday was rough for you. You should NOT have to live that way, hon. {{{Kricket}}}

12

(((Karol)))

Glad to hear that he is working on changing his behavior. This is sooooooo difficult for adults to do ! I tried the same thing many years ago, but my ex was just too rigid to be able to change ~ frankly it scared the hell out of him.

I’m happy that you are seeing the wisdom of taking your time ~ and that you can see a someday when the two of you can be back together. Best wishes, and e-mail if you like.

xoxoxoxoxo
:slight_smile:

13

I’m glad you realize that you won’t be doing either of you any favors by taking him back too early, or even at all if he doesn’t “get it”. Your story is inspiring and affirming, and I’m really happy things are going well for you.

14

Did I mention he wants to come home? Well, he does. He really REALLY wants to come home.
I understand, I really do. I know he thinks we can “work on this” while he’s living in the house…but unfortunately, our history doesn’t support the theory. Maybe it would be just peachy, but most probably, we’d have a few months of getting along fairly well, followed by a steady decline in his behavior, followed by a near-complete reversal right back into the SOS.
I don’t wanna do it. I don’t want to set myself up for what strikes me as amost inevitable failure. I mean, we are just now mastering the art of getting along for maybe three hours straight; it seems to me that we need a lot more practice before we are 24/7 again.
His stance is becoming more…confrontative, argumentive, stubborn. He told me today he does not intend to live at his buddy’s for another month, much less another year (these are time frames he pulled out of thin air, because we haven’t made any long-term decisions). I suggested that frankly, if I were in his shoes, I’d be looking for an apt to live in–subleases and short term rentals are plentiful and affordable this time of year–but he doesn’t intend to do that either.
So now he’s sulking. And this response is one of the very reasons I am so reluctant to move back in with him.
sigh I see the counselor by myself on Thursday. I guess I’ll see what she thinks.

15

Do you feel bullied? If that is the case, then you really need more time to think about all of this. You sound upset…take some time and really think about all of this. Don’t rush.

16

Thank you, Spooky. I feel pressured, and that’s not something I have any tolerance for anymore. That’s one reason we’re in this situation, after all.
It makes me very tired, very quickly. And it makes me even more determined to not rush into reconciling with him.
We even have an overnight planned, but that isn’t enough, apparently…he wants to come HOME, and that is his only focus right now.
I’ll feel more upbeat tomorrow. I’m sick as well as irritated, so hopefully a good night’s sleep will see me in a better state, physically and emotionally.
Good to hear your voice. Thanks. {{{Spooky}}}

17

Pleasant dreams, bodypoet, and stand your ground. For him to, in effect, force his way in against your will or at least better judgement will only do more harm to your marriage. Where he lives is his choice, not yours, and if he’s not happy with it, there are alternatives. Does he really want to do long term damage for a short term gain?

Good luck,
CJ

18

Wish you well, and the best of luck working things out.

19

Well, you know I’m here for you, babe. And I’ve got some great green tea FO if you want to make some candles for Kricket – I’m dying to soap and candle this in a blend. So LMK if you want to share some of it. I also just got some pomegranate FO that I think would be good in soaps . . . say the word!

Making stuff is therapeutic, you know?

20

bodypoet, I’ve been impressed with your resolve while reading this thread. Stick to your guns. You deserve the respect you are fighting for. You aren’t being unreasonable (not that you expressed that you felt like you were being unreasonable, I just wanted to convey that I felt you were being quite reasonable in your expectations of him and the relationship.)