You’re in my prayers, bodypoet. Standing up to that sort of pressure from him has to be difficult. Be strong.
Given that he’s leaning on you the way he is to get back in the house, I worry about an overnight - that he would come back for a night and refuse to leave. I don’t know how one guards against that sort of possibility (other than saying no to the overnight, but presumably that’s an option), but good luck.
I have followed your threads about this seperation , as a recently divorced man who didn’t want the divorce but lived with it, and it seems to me, and this is just IMHO, that you have no real desire to see things work out with your ex. You seem VERY critical of everything he says and does. Even your “compliments” about how he did this good or that seem to always be peppered with “but he will stop doing it, just wait and see”. Try and remember that no matter how good he is he will always be human and there is nothing you can do about that.
Why you seem so shocked that he so desperately wants to move back into his home is beyond me and you seem to treat it as a mark against him. Moving out of our home, out of my childs home, was the hardest thing I have ever had to do and it is for most men. When some people marry they marry for life, as I did, but my ex didn’t.
Whatever the circumstances of your seperation (and may I remind people that there are always 2 sides to EVERY story, which is forgotten when hearing one persons side over and over) I think you should seriously think about setting your husband free and cutting it off because you are way to critical of him right now to have any chance of finding happiness with him again.
Either way I hope stuff works out for the best for all of you.
Stinkpalm: regardless of the reality that we’re hearing only one side of the story, the fact is that this is MPSIMS, not GD. People who post the trials and tribulations of their lives here are not expected to post cites that the way they see their situation is the way it actually is.
This is a forum where, among other things, friends can support each other through their ups and downs. When listening to a friend tell the story of his or her current ups and downs to you, the standard way of receiving that tale is to take it at face value, unless and until something seems fundamentally suspicious about it.
From my perspective, what bodypoet is saying makes perfect sense. The problems in her marriage are longstanding, and if she says there are a lot of deep issues here that haven’t been addressed yet, there’s no reason not to believe her. She says she only has the energy to give one more serious attempt at repairing the marriage, and that seems reasonable too. She says her instinct is that he’s doing the right things, but doesn’t really understand the why of it all. Whose judgment should she trust on that, over her own?
And it makes sense that if there’s a serious chance that he doesn’t understand why she needs him to clean up his act in the ways that he’s doing so far, that his real motivation - consciously or not - may simply be to placate her and get back to the marriage that worked for him. And in that case, there’s every reason to believe he’ll backslide after he gets back home - maybe not immediately, but sooner or later.
But it seems like quite a jump from that, to your suggestion that she’s already given up on the marriage, and the ‘chance’ she’s giving her husband is a sham.
IOW, there’s no reason not to take bodypoet at her word about her marriage, regardless of your own experience.
I would also point out that there’s more to making a marriage work than making a lifetime commitment to staying with one person. What one does in one’s relationship with that person can destroy a marriage, just as surely as walking out can. Someone can honestly marry with the intent of staying with their spouse for life - but then find that they’re being treated like crap, year in and year out. And if that person leaves, it doesn’t necessarily mean that person hadn’t really made a lifetime commitment.
This is not to say anything about your marriage, Stinkpalm. But since you seem to be generalizing from your own divorce to other marriages that may not make it, I wanted to point out, in the abstract, the flaws in the “I married for life, but she didn’t” explanation.
Thank you all for your support. It was a tough evening. I see the therapist tomorrow, and I’ll try to talk it through with her and get a handle on how to deal with this.
Stinkpalm, I’m sorry about your situation. I know–from personal experience–how hard it is to be the one who has to leave the house (although I had my children with me when I left my first marriage), and I really do sympathise with my husband’s lonliness. I’m sad for him, and I really want him to be happy, while recognizing that his unhappiness (aside from the situational depression about the split) doesn’t truly stem from me or my behavior but from his own experiences and decisions.
So, I’m not at all shocked that he wants to move back. Of course he does, and I’d feel the same in his shoes. However, I’m upset because he is pressuring me to do so before I’m ready to resume having a marriage with him. When he starts resorting to ulitmatums about what’s going to happen if I don’t get back with him within X number of weeks, yes, it makes me mad, and it makes me seriously wonder if we have any chance at all of saving this. These are, after all, the very behaviors that caused the split in the first place…the bullying, the intimidating, the meanness.
If I seem critical or negative about what he’s accomplished so far, please remember that I have been on the receiving end of this cycle for 10 years and it’s very, very hard to believe that he just one day decided to become a brand spanking, shiny New Man who will maintain all the good stuff he’s doing now. In short, yes, he’s doing a pretty good job of making some changes–just as he has, time after time, year after year, but historically, this lasts until he gets comfortable and starts becoming abusive again. (And don’t even get me started on “what consitutes abuse”–“emotional abuse checklist” will net you some nice hits on google.) Will he make changes for good this time? I can’t predict; I’m just trying to protect myself a bit longer.
I am seriously thinking about “cutting him free”–although that has the ring of something he wants, as if I’m the one clinging to this relationship. But, because I do feel like I married him for the long term, and we have a life that we built together that I’d like to be able to salvage, I’m giving it one more try. I don’t know if it’s the best thing for me, frankly, but I feel I owe it to him and the kids–if we can be happy together, all the better.
All that said, I am not going to spend eternity with someone who treats me like shit, and frankly, I don’t feel like that’s unreasonable.
It’s disheartening, and I’ll tell you something I don’t say often, because it breaks my heart to admit it:* This man is the love of my life. *
And I’m angry at him for treating me badly and forcing me to make this decision.
Dammit. 
RTFirefly, thank you. I’m having a rough day, and your post did me good.
bp, It’s good to hear and know that you’re are strong enough to continue doing what you know must be done. Hang in there kiddo.
Glad I could give you a boost, bodypoet. Hang in there.
I’ve been wondering how you are doing. I’m so glad to see you’re staying strong and not allowing yourself to be persuaded into anything you’re not SURE is right. All too often, I’ve seen people put others’ demands ahead of their own, and do themselves a lot of damage in the process. Good for you!
You seem like an incredibly intelligent, strong person. Good luck in achieving a solution that makes you happy
Yet another issue that comes into play: I have two older sons, 16 and 12. Very good kids, both of them–respectful, sweet-tempered, decent.
They–the older one especially–are obviously not happy when he’s here. The stress level in the house is so high, and his behavior toward them is so erratic, that it isn’t healthy for them.
As it is now, when he comes over, they retire to their rooms, or to the kitchen, or to wherever I am, if I’m not in the same room as him.
So there’s Issue #2 to consider…
Update
I saw the therapist alone today. It went well, and I feel a lot better. I let her know how the last few days have been, and that I am not, REALLY NOT, ready for a reconciliation. She agrees that it is too early for that, and reminded me (again) that this process is one we will probably have to repeat a few times before we feel comfortable with it, and before it becomes clear whether or not we can manage to successfully live together.
I’m worn out. This is exhausting, and to top it off, we all seem to have a bug that is making the rounds. But at least I feel better than I did before seeing the mc today. Things will work out, one way or another.
Thanks again, Dopers…I don’t know what I would do if I couldn’t come here to vent. (Guess my phone bill would be a lot higher!)
I have no advice or magical solutions to offer, but I admire your strength and resolve and I wish you the best as you deal with all of this. Life’s too short to settle for bad situations. You and your kids will come out just fine, I’m sure!