Well, you can start with the fact that thunderstorms are relatively isolated events, caused when a cumulonimbus cloud passes over head. While there are times (especially out on the Great Plains) that they can get to be miles across, they certainly don’t approach the concept of a well-developed low-pressure system.
For example, the one that is currently attacking New England measures from the westernmost extremity of Pennsylvania to the middle of New Brunswick! That’s roughly 750 miles across. Needless to say, such a storm doesn’t pass overhead anytime soon. By comparison, even a really bad Plains thunderstorm is over and gone within the hour. Out in Virginia, a thunderstorm is lucky if it lasts 30 min.
Then, there is the fact that there won’t be much if any lightning in a nor’easter. In a strong low-pressure system, the sort of atmospheric instability that spawns thunderstorms within the system occurs to the south or south-east of the center of the low (we are excluding hurricanes from this discussion). A nor’easter hits the coast with the north to northwest portion of the system, in which it is very unusual for a thunderstorm to reside.
Instead, what you get is wind. Driving wind. Non-stop driving wind. Wind that piles the waves up high and crashes them down all along the coast. Wind that makes the rain come down sideways. Wind that simply doesn’t end any time soon.
And, of course, there is the cold. On the back-side of the low, you are getting colder air pulled down from the north of the storm. The surge of warmer, moisture laden air has missed you off to the East (spending its fury “harmlessly” out to sea). Instead, you get cold, nasty weather. This, too, is quite unlike a thunderstorm, which is almost always occasioned by warm air (allthough there may be cool downdrafts out of the storm, cool is relative, and it certainly isn’t the roughly 40 degrees being reported along the New England coast as I type.
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Hopefully, this will help you tell the difference. 