The other day I watched about ten minutes of the 2012 Hobbit movie on TNT, partly because I wanted to reinforce my contempt for Pter Jackson and his pomps but mostly because I don’t know how to use the remote on the home theatre system. During those 600 horrible seconds of PJ shitting all over not only Tolkien’s pleasant novel but his own adaptation of Fellowship of the Ring, it occurred to me that in Middle-earth, “burglar” must actually have been a relatively respectable profession (though of course the better ones prefer to call themselves “expert-treasure hunters.”
By the end of the book (I don’t know about the trilogy, never having seen the second two) Bilbo actually is a fairly skilled “treasure hunter.” Which got me to thinking: how would the story have been different if Mr. Baggins had been so skilled at the beginning – if he’d spent his youth breaking into non-Shire places and stealing shit?
Imagine Parker from Leverage in (book) Bilbo’s place. Gandalf wouldn’t have had to con her into the quest; she’d have been willing from the get-go. Nor would Thorin have had to tell her the story of Smaug and Erebor; she’d have known about it for years and been planning such a heist in idle moments anyway. But she’d never have taken Thorin’s terms. She’d have said, “One-fourteenth of the hoard? Bullcrap. No way to carry all that loot back here. i will steal you the Arkenstone, and you will pay me up front for my services. And the first one of you who touches my ass will get stabbed in the neck. Oh, and we’re all getting swords first, you silly twits.”
Which brings us to the thread topic. Reimaine HOBBIT with Bilbo as an actual competent thief from the beginning – or, to look at it differently, insert another fictional thief in Bilbo’s place.
He’d probably get in trouble from overconfidence – Bilbo almost gets his because of this!
For instance, rather than merely arranging the Dwarves’ escape from Thranduil’s palace, he’d also loot the treasury, but that would tip the alarm and screw up the escape.
He’d also have pushed too hard when talking to Smaug.
Finally, he would not have given up the Arkenstone. “That’s MINE!”
Most importantly, in terms of the fate of the entire world, a professional thief would have not gotten lost in the orc caves, leaving the ring of power lost.
Or if he did get lost: he’d have killed Gollum instead of merely escaping and then put the “invisibility ring” to much better use, thereby eventually sharing Gollum’s fate (or worse).
Not really relevant, but one of my D&D characters was based on a similar idea. He was a hobbit who was a professional treasure-hunter, and who insisted on terms settled up front. He was also pretty mercenary, though: His rules were that he’d only work on behalf of a legitimate owner, or when there (arguably) was no legitimate owner, and he’d never go up against either a government or organized crime, because those are bad enemies to have, but other than that, he didn’t much care as long as the money was good.
IF Bilbo was already a great thief, I imagine he would have robbed all the dwarves and Gandalf blind when they showed up at his hole, thereby causing the entire venture to fail very early on when they couldn’t afford food and supplies. Bilbo could then sell off the map to the secret entrance on lonely mountain for a hefty sum and retire for awhile. Of course, everyone would eventually find out it was him and they would then lynch him.
He would have picked the trolls pockets, pinched the very mutton off the spits, purloined the beer, and walked off without them noticing him. Instead, he almost got the entire party eaten.
I do question whether he was really a skilled treasure hunter by the end. Take away the ring, and he wouldn’t have gotten anywhere. If you give a knight of Gondor an M16 and unlimited ammo, does he become a skilled warrior?
No, that’s exactly what a really first-class and legendary burglar would have done. A more practical one but with less professional pride would perhaps have stuck a dagger in each troll before they observed it though.