Yes, I should add, in our situation we only had pets, no kids. I also don’t like the idea of kids adjusting to a new family dynamic if there is a risk of it ending again. (I once dated a woman who refused to let me meet her daughter because she did not want the kid getting attached to someone and then mourn that loss 6 months down the road).
So in that case, I’m not sure what I would do in your shoes. I would probably wait even longer before co-habitation.
I think you should wait longer to move in together. You’re focusing on how many colanders to keep because you’re still ambivalent about the relationship. The stuff is just a symbol.
It is just fine to be somewhat ambivalent. Perfectly understandable under the circumstances, and no reflection on your wonderful girlfriend. It’s been a very short time since you were badly betrayed by someone you loved.
So wait. The question will resolve itself in the fullness of time.
I agree with this. My fiancee and I got along really, really, really well. It would have been all to easy to just start living together, but having both had co-habitating relationships go sour in the not-so-distant past, we decided that we had to be in a committed relationship for minimum of two years before we would even think about discussing co-habitation. (And marriage was a discussion even further down the line).
Go with your gut. Moving in instead of marrying is a good first step, and your losses won’t be as great if things don’t work out.
By the way, I think this is a situation where you don’t have to EITHER risk everything OR be 100% protective of your assets. Maybe you’re going to sell some of your furniture, but maintain a separate bank account. You can decide what compromises to make (as you both lean in different directions on this.) It will be good relationship practice.
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To put a slightly different spin on things, it can be beneficial to have an easy exit. The more barriers to exiting, the less certain you will be about why you are remaining in the relationship. It is better to stay in a relationship because you want to, not because you have to (or because it is inconvenient to leave).
Best of luck regardless of your decision.
I don’t see why you can’t have your cake and eat it too, in this instance.
Box up the second toaster, extra linens, etc, and put them into the basement or garage. Split your monthly expenses 50-50, rent, utilities, food. Any things you acquire simply need to be yours or hers, just like your college roommates. One buys the tv, the other buys the side tables, one buys a computer desk, the other buys the computer, etc. That way if a breakup comes, everyone knows who has what and takes that with them, along with the items in storage.
You could easily move forward in this manner, in your relationship, without anyone feeling vulnerable or at risk. At the same time acquiring the things that make nesting so much fun.
If it’s meant to be, you’ll find yourself, after a couple of years, very naturally blending the lines between yours and mine. By then you will both be a little bit more secure about your future together. Have a yardsale and sell the items you have in storage!
You’ve both done quite well, it seems, so far, under not always easy circumstances. I think you’ll be just fine. Just take the pressure off each other, find an easy way forward, reassess in 12-24 months. Enjoy the ride!
This. Either shit or get off the pot. I mean, you don’t need to immediately have a rummage sale to get rid of the duplicates (although one should be planned), but consolidating and forming one solid unit would be a wise idea.
Just want to add a quick thanks to everyone for your advice and input…I do think that I am being overly cautious in many ways, but I really like a lot of the ideas y’all have put forth here. Thanks again! 
I’m from a culture which has moved a lot in the direction of “recovering traditional marriage,” in the sense that nowadays it’s perfectly acceptable for two people to live together for yonks without getting the paperwork; we’re back to the idea that “married is as married does” (after all, compulsory religious records of marriage only go back five centuries, civil ones two). Then again, it’s also a society where things like who is allowed to visit a sick person at the hospital are a lot more relaxed than in the US.
Consider the legal issues of all the options carefully, taking into account “if things work out,” “if things don’t work out” and “if one of us gets run over by a truck.” And best of luck whatever you do!
It sounds like she’s telling you pretty clearly that she doesn’t want to live together until you both can make a lifelong commitment to each other. That’s not what everyone wants but it’s what she wants. So if you’re going to move in together then either she has to change her expectations or you have to be ready to make that commitment. And not to speak for your SO but if mine said he was terrified to commit to me then I would say that he’s not ready – being terrified, IMHO, is not the same as being practical and realizing that any relationship can end.
So I agree that holding off on cohabitation plans may be best for right now. Plowing ahead when you’re not on the same page sounds like an added stressor, especially when you have the option of waiting, letting things develop, and each working on your own well-being.
**elbows **has pretty much summed up what I was going to write after reading your OP…
…but, like Nava, I’m reading this from a society that has somewhat different views and laws around marriage than the US. Here living together is a de facto marriage. If there are legal implications as **Oakminster **suggests then caution would seem advisable.
**Woeg **has had a major relationship trauma, and I can sympathize about caution on a new commitment, but IMHO at least, there is a big difference between personal commitment, doing and giving what you can, (and continuing to help a strong relationship grow), and getting the piece of official paper.
I was terrified of marriage – probably because of my parents… who stayed together “for the sake of the children” (to paraphrase my mother).
I started living with my girlfriend of two years in 1986. (She would rather have been married but compromised on de facto). Over time I came to realize that getting married wasn’t going to turn me into my parents, or our relationship into my parents’ marriage.
We got engaged in 1994 and then married two years later… so this year was out 13th “official” anniversary, but we’ve been together for rather a bit longer.
I wrote above that I agree with **elbows **-- you don’t have to dump all your individual property (with its feeling of safety and reassurance) immediately. Choose a mix, box the rest and put it somewhere safe but out of sight. To me that’s not a foot out the door – it’s… bad analogy time… water-wings to get a not too confident swimmer back in the pool. Over time as you get more confidence the need for water-wings will go… and eventually you’ll have a Spring clean and go through the boxes and think “why did we ever keep all this cruft?” (At least that’s what I’d hope happens for **Woeg **and his lady).
Okay, I’m in a similar situation. But lets say my guy did not have a Coffee Pot and loved Coffee. His money is VERY tight, and I have one I NEVER use. If we were planning to move in together eventually anyways then should he go buy a coffee pot and put off getting cable or a phone… or just borrow mine? I mean, if we live together eventually… that money would be better saved up where we need it… than going to buy excess coffee pots. IMHO! What do you think?
This one’s easy. He uses your coffee pot, and if you break up you get it back. You’re both back right where you started. Much different than selling off duplicates then having a tussle over who gets what after a breakup. (Alternative is for you to give it to him as a gift, in which case it’s his forever.)
What’s your hurry? Why can’t you two just keep dating until both of you feel more secure? Is your opportunity to move into your own place contingent upon SO moving in with you? If so, then definitely don’t do it.
Stop thinking about the personal property. Think about each other. You’ve only known each other two years. Living with someone is hard enough w/o worrying that one or the other is going to dart out the door.
Think about the children. Say you move in together. The children pack and move their stuff, maybe change schools, and all the kids start to get used to living with each other (that won’t be easy, don’t fool yourself).
Then in six months, it’s not working out, for whatever reason. SO and kids pack up their stuff again (or what’s left of it) and they move out (it’s your place, right?). Where do they go? She’s given up her place and now has to find a new place, maybe a new school, daycare, etc. etc. Kids get shuffled around again.
There should be no rush. Just keep dating, and if and when you’re ready to make a commitment to each other then make a whole-hearted commitment.
Just my two cents…
Woeg, you can’t go wrong by waiting a bit. Best of luck to you!