Relationships with friends that backfired

A lot of people will advocate meeting a SO through friends. I can see the merits- a friend is more likely to have common interests, you’ll probably know more about each other ahead of time, and many relationships can build gradually.

But its not for everyone, and I’m interested in hearing stories where friend-relationship situations backfired. Maybe an ugly breakup strained your friendships with other people. Maybe another friend got on much better with your ex and it made you jealous.

I have one story. I met ‘Jane’ right after a messy breakup. She was BFFs with my friend’s wife. I thought it would work out well because in theory, we had a lot in common. She was attending my Alma Mater, and even had the same major. She lived close by, loved books, and sci fi movies, musical theatre, had a very pretty face and awesome boobs. We initially hit it off, spending hours talking to each other, had great sex, and I initially started thinking I could have a great relationship with this person.

Then just as quickly, the veneer wore off. She was incredibly indecisive; she couldn’t commit to the smallest decision. She was surprisingly insecure and would use a lot of self-depricating humor, downplaying any talent or skill. She would surround herself with genuinely talented friends and constantly talk about how she wished she was as talented/confident/beautiful as they were. Her answer to half of my questions was “I guess?” She didn’t work and her mom paid the rent for the studio apartment she was living in. At the time I was working 60 hours a week and she didn’t understand why I couldn’t just take a day off unpaid to go to the beach. The sex was great but as time passed I realized we didn’t have much in common.

The worst part was the gossip. Early on she politely asked that I not “kiss and tell” to their friends. I agreed this was a good idea and kept to my word…but she didn’t. Turns out over several months, in addition to telling her BFF (my friend’s wife) every detail of every interaction I had with Jane, Jane would also go so far as to forward intimate text messages to her friend in the context of “look at this disgusting sentence my boyfriend just told me”. I actually found out when my friend’s wife started criticizing me about it later :rolleyes: . I was pretty embarrassed and mad.

One day my ex called me and we had a rather civil conversion. Both of us had moved on so there was no ill will. She asked how the relationship with Jane had went in past tense. When I asked for clarification, it turned out she was taking to some mutual friends with Jane. Jane told them she was planning on breaking up with me and rattled off a laundry list of all the things about me she found insufferable.

It did not come as a great shock or sadness when she officially broke up with me, since she was the last person to let me know at that point. Not surprisingly, I stopped talking with that group of friends and it really soured the concept of meeting people through friends. Guess I had crappy friends. But I can’t be the only person on the planet to have drama like this.

A buddy of mine started dating a girl, who broke up with him after a few months, and it resulted in two problems: we all realized we liked the girl more than him, and he went batshit insane (stalking her, threats to her and some of us for maintaining contact, etc). He eventually leveled out, but several of us were put of by his antics and he saw us remaining friends with her as huge betrayal. The end result looked pretty harsh from the outside - he got dumped and she got all his friends. For about a year people still saw him around, but then he disappeared. We later learned he’d left town.

I still don’t know what happened - I’d seen him in breakups before and he handled them no worse than anyone else, but this one…

Its easy to say we can all be rational in relationships, have an ex start getting chummy with our other friends and try to pretend its okay. But I think jealousy happens more than people care to admit. I have a friend who was notorious for ‘friending up’ my exes; at first it bugged me because it made me jealous (and some of them I couldn’t stand to be around), but later I stopped caring.

Not a friend but a (married) family member started dating my then bf’s best friend. I told her not to date him, that the guy was trouble but she didn’t listen. It created a lot of drama as he would complain to my bf about how my family member was treating him and then my bf would get mad at me for not straightening out my family member. I finally blew up and told both of them to keep me out of it, I was not her keeper. Eventually, the guy started beating the crap out of her as I knew he would, which then had her husband and her father demanding I tell him who the guy was because he saw all the bruises on his wife, and why in the world did I introduce her to him, like it was my fault she was dating the jerk.
It was all a big mess with me ending up in the middle anyway trying to keep everybody away from everybody else and getting her away from him when he was holding her captive in his house and wouldn’t let her leave.
Dumb bitch, I should have let her suffer the consequences.

Stupidly I took her out with my bf and me another time and she latched onto another one of his friends, even though once again I warned her to stay away from him. I was friends with his gf and knew the guy was abusive and a jerk. He and my bf had a falling out and then she was calling me up and telling my I’d better not bring my bf to the family gatherings because her bf was going to be there and was going to make dog food out of my bf. Whatever, she could kiss my ass. Eventually I had to help her get rid of him when he started beating the crap out of her. I told her not to go out him, and once again I got blamed for introducing her to him.

Now I make damn sure that psycho bitch doesn’t come anywhere my friends. I don’t need that kind of crazy in my life.

Sahirrnee, while your relative has quetionable taste in men I don’t think she deserved to get beaten up. Yeah, its gotta be frustrating as hell to do everything to help someone only to absorb 100% of the blame in their retarded victim logic. But just like I had to evaluate for myself and my group of friends, what the hell is wrong with your bf’s friends? They sound like assholes. I know its not a given that you will get along with your SO’s friends- my wife isn’t crazy about some of mine. But I’m really wondering what your bf sees in these guys.

If they are the kind of men that beat women, why is your boyfriend associating with them? Are they somehow angels the other 75% of the time they aren’t strangling some mutual aquaintance in the back of their Dodge Dart? I can’t help but think that they have other undesirable qualities that are getting handwaved for whatever reason.

I know for me one of the reasons dating within my circle of friends worked badly was because I had shitty friends at the time and after all my drama I definitely distanced myself from them. I also made it a point to date people outside their circle which also helped minimize drama since they only knew what I was willing to share, and if it was embarassing or incriminating I could just keep my mouth shut. I also started dating women that were a lot more discreet when it came to drama.

My ex bf was a really good guy but he had a few not so good friends. The first one was his friend from childhood and I never understood the friendship other than based on longevity. The other friend wasn’t really so much a friend as just another guy from the neighborhood. He had nice friends too, the family member just seemed to gravitate towards the assholes.
No she didn’t deserve to get beat up in the sense that no woman deserves it, but I warned her both times about those guys and it seemed like that made her want them more. It fell on me to handle the fallout because I was trying to keep everybody else out of it.
In all honesty, now I wouldn’t do it. I’d let her deal with the consequences on her own. Especially after finding out she tried to sleep with my then bf too.
I still get mad because every now and then somebody will bring one of them up and everybody looks at me and says, ‘didn’t you introduce her to him?’. Well, yeah I guess technically I did in the sense that I let her hang out with me and introduced her to other people. But not in the sense that I ever expected her to hook up with anybody, especially since she was married.