Request for assistance, posted with approval from the mods

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
101

I hate to sound negative (except, obviously, when I’m ranting in the mini-rants and pissed,) but I haven’t posted about the shot yet because so far, it’s not positive. Tony can’t walk unaided right now. Apparently, when the shot went in, he jumped hard, and maybe just pulled a muscle, but he hurts a lot right now. We had nice plans for the weekend - got invited out for a casual musical gathering tonight, a little dancing for those who wish to dance; plus listening to a friend play music tomorrow night. We can’t do either, and I’m a little bummed that medical appointments and complications have screwed up birthday plans for me, for the third year in a row.

And Tony is still in the dumps, between pain and being released from his job. He’s a positive thinker, and is wracking his brain, trying to think which local-ish police agencies will hire him to work K9. I’m trying to walk the fine line between encouraging him, and realism - 31 months after the wreck, he can’t even walk 100 yards or bend down to get a soda from the bottom shelf of the fridge. How will he work a tracking/narcotics dog, assuming anyone will hire him? He doesn’t want to hear about vocational training/therapy to prepare him for a different role. He’s not able to care for himself right now, much less the kids and pets, so I can’t realistically go back to work yet. Part of me wants to yell at him for being selfish - he’s put everyone’s life on hold, changed everyone’s plans, because he insists that he will be back to “normal” any minute, despite all medical evidence to the contrary. And part of me says that it would be wrong to discourage his aspirations.

102

Also, synopsis for those who don’t read rants in the Pit thread: Tony got a letter last week, advising that he is released from duty if he can’t return in some capacity by July 31. His separation date will be August 1, which at least give us until the 31st of next month to find health insurance. Tony insists that he will go back to work, for some agency, as a K9 handler. Realistically, I have my doubts, but as a wife who loves and believes in her husband, how do I say “no, you can’t even manage a trip to the grocery, how do you intend to handle a narcotics/tracking dog?” We’ve also been advised that Tony’s agency has deemed him disabled/medically retired, so the insurance company has decided to suspend his workers comp payments on the assumption that SSDI is available next week or something. A court hearing happens in September. Meanwhile, at least the credit cards are paid up, so I can charge a month’s bills while there’s no income.

We have an attorney advising us on worker’s comp issues, but Tony won’t talk to the disability attorney, because Tony doesn’t intend to be disabled. I’m not really sure what we’re supposed to do if comp discontinues payments and Tony won’t apply for disability…

103

Oh how frustrating.

Can you convince Tony that he is disabled - for now - but that is NOT the same thing as being permanently disabled?

104

I was on SSDI until reaching 65 and the benefits were re-classified as retirement.

You don’t need an attorney, but you do need a doctor’s statement, and I was required to get a psychologist’s sign-off (for gawd knows why).
Also: Make the money last.
SSDI requires a period between the award and the first check, which will include the payment from the award.
GET MOVING!

The SS will deny the first application (cuts down on the unemployed who think a quick form will get them money) and you will need to re-submit.
If the second application is denied, you will need a hearing.

It is not uncommon to need all three steps.

I did not see a lawyer - the nice people at the SS office filled out the forms and advised me on the procedure, including the first application being denied.

If he won’t see a lawyer, maybe he will talk to a SS employee. If not, you will have to get him involved - you cannot speak for him, and he will have to actually say he wants the disability benefits.

Maybe you should remind him that not everything is about him - sometimes the wife and kids like to eat and this is “back-up funding” but needs to be started NOW (actually several months ago).

105

We have two attorneys on standby. One handled the insurance stuff at the beginning of this process - collecting from the guy who caused Tony’s wreck. If we end up suing Tony’s agency (for negligence - he was dispatched to an active house fire. The actual call was from someone Tony knows and used to work with. He called to ask for the fire department to bring a thermal imager to see whether there was something in the walls, because he smelled something funny. There was never an active fire scene, but Tony damned near died because he was dispatched for an emergency.) We were referred to the second attorney by the first, when the workers compensation insurance began talking about a settlement - I refused to even entertain that notion without a guarantee that Tony’s ongoing medical difficulties would be covered, because I’m not entirely naive!

I don’t think we’ll need an attorney to establish a disability claim. Just the summary of Tony’s medical saga is multiple pages, and well-documented by his primary doctor. If I’m remembering everything, his list of injuries from the wreck is:
Tib-fib fracture, requiring surgery, requiring 23 screws and rods to repair
Concussion
Broken orbit
Four (maybe five?) broken teeth
Gash in forehead - 10 stitches
Three broken ribs
Pneumothorax
Bruised kidney, causing internal bleeding, requiring two blood transfusions
Four spinal fractures
Broken pelvis
Broken elbow
Two massively effed-up shoulders: rotator cuff tears, slap tears, etc.
Broken collarbone
Labral tear in hip
Something with his right knee, requiring surgery
Hospital-acquired infections - MRSA and enterobactyr - requiring six weeks of IV antibiotics, hyperbaric chamber treatment, wound vac, etc. C diff infection secondary to antibiotic therapy.
Other stuff that I don’t remember - at some point, it all just ran together in my head. (Hand to the sky - I had no idea Tony had a broken pelvis until I read it in one of his medical summaries!)

He doesn’t qualify for SSDI until his primary physician agrees that he has reached maximum medical improvement after his injuries, but yes - Tony needs to start his disability claim, so that it kicks in when comp stops. But he’s determined that, when he reaches maximum medical improvement, he won’t be disabled… sigh.

106

Very brief update: the independent medical examination (third opinion) concurs with Tony’s primary doctor - he needs shoulder surgery to stabilize his right arm, plus something to treat his back, and hIMEis hip/groin issue is almost certainly related to the wreck. Spoke to the insurance liaison today to try to figure what’s up. Said liaison acted as though he’d never heard of the report from the IME, but he still asked whether Tony was willing to settle the case. Neither Tony nor our legal advisor is willing to settle right now - even a 6-figure settlement that’s being offered wouldn’t come close to covering the medical treatment Tony still needs. And we won’t discuss settlement until the primary physician signs off on maximum medical improvement.

Meanwhile, Tony at least gets a little break. The physical therapy practice h as booted him out the door until his next surgery. PT was resulting in no improvement for the past several months, so why continue? (Tony continues to do aquatic therapy 2-3 times per week.)

And I have hit the proverbial wall. Honestly, I’m shocked that I kept things together for this long. But I can’t deny that, right this minute, I’m trying to get past a great big wall of clinical depression. Since age 13, I’ve fought this gremlin, and I honestly hoped that I could get Tony mostly functional before I fell apart. Unfortunately, that’s not the case right now. Here we are, with too many bills, no health insurance as of yesterday, and me being totally useless… Whee.

Meanwhile, our insurance rep is acting like he never heard of long-term disability insurance (and the paperwork we need, and the several-hundred per month in benefits that would make the difference between scraping by versus paying everything on time, every month.) But the state won’t qualify us for public health insurance coverage for the children until we’ve satisfied all other coverage options (COBRA would cost us almost 2/3 of our gross monthly income, so Medicaid/PeachCare is our only realistic option to make sure that the kids, at least, have health insurance.)

And Tony still refuses to consider that he may never be physically capable of working patrol/K9 again. I love that man, but I can’t help thinking that, if he can’t stand after an hour in the personal vehicle, if he can’t play fetch with the police dog, if he can’t get up and walk to the kitchen for a glass of water, how does he expect to return to the job he left?

107

Wow, Lacunae Matata. I haven’t lurked or posted here for a long time; I want to say how in awe I am of your incredible resilience and sheer grit. You are an amazing woman to have held everything together for yourself AND your whole family. You’re doing it all - and it seems that now’s the time for for the carer to get a bit of care herself.
I hear your frustration. And you can’t even get angry with him in the same way you used to when he was being so infuriatingly stubborn and illogical. And I’m really sorry to hear the Black Dog is shadowing. Little fucker. Don’t let him lie down.
Certainly I’m no therapist (good og, I’m not even sure I’m sane most of the time) but it strikes me that even two exhausted people still have to share the load. You’ve carried the bulk of it on your own until now - where you’ve hit that brick wall and are are about to slide down it like the Hanna-Barbera Coyote. Only it won’t be funny, even though the disability insurance ends up looking like the ingenious, though poorly executed ACME gadget.
Tony has to know how YOU are at the moment, so if you’re keeping it from him, don’t. If he does know, and I therefore assume he wants to help in any way he can, then you’ll have to tell him that the utmost help he can give you right now is by letting the financial pressure off. The only way this can happen, is by him dealing with the disability paperwork that only he can do.
It seems such a terrible time for you and a terrifying one for him - my thoughts go to you both.
For now, maybe all you can do is agree to be dedicated to helping the other get further through this grueling journey. You can’t do it for yourself right now, but you can do it for Tony. Most likely, it’s the same for him. Focus on each other. And maybe, at a more appropriate time for both of you, you could consider whether all the impacts and traumas of this awful accident could do with some help from counselling of some kind.
Avoir du courage, Lacunae Matata. You’re a fucking inspiration.