I just don’t think I can take it anymore.
I don’t know who all has seen my thread about what my husband is going through physically, but lets just say it’s long and complicated, with no clear-cut answers in sight.
That said, it seems I’m about to lose it in dealing with him and end up backsliding to the place I was before. Which was very dark indeed. The way things are right now, I can’t be depressed, I can’t be suicidal and I certainly can’t be agorapobic. But I honestly no longer know what to do.
He’s belligerent, refuses to face reality and hyper sensitive. He also suffers episodes of Hepatic Encephalopathy, which he doesn’t always take his medication for. All these things combined plus myriad doctor’s appointments, make each and every day a living hell.
I’ve finally convinced him to see a therapist, but he won’t talk about any of his issues. I started seeing one too, but because she’s an under grad student seeing me on a sliding scale who reports to some nebulous superior, I can’t continue. Because of my past problems, apprently I’m too high risk.
Anyway, Jaceson went out on FMLA at the beginning of October. We were told that if he had to transfer to disability, his (reduced) income would be continuous. Well, about ten days ago, we found out that wouldn’t be the case and he’ll be without completely for at least thirty days. Government disability, if approved, won’t be until the summer. If everything works out right. Now I’ve been off work since July to take care of him and thus far, I haven’t been able to find another job. Because of all the financial snafus, the only way we can survive is for him to go without insurance for the next six months (and me permanently, unless a potential employer provides it) and us to sell off everything we have left. Sadly, which isn’t much except for my car. It goes on Craigslist today.
Other last-ditch options available to us is taking on a renter (if anyone would be interested in our area / furnished room / shared bath / multiple pets), renting out our place while moving somewhere cheaper (although we have no experience doing that and our house is shit, plus due to our credit now [we’ve had to let everything go but pretty much just the basics – my computer’s new owner will pick it up in a few days], I have no idea if anyone would rent to us) or just letting the house go into foreclosure.
I’m clueless how we’ll even pay the utilities and groceries this month.
Talking to my folks about living with them is a no go and there is no one else.
So, that’s how things are and he’s gotten worse with his back (which is a separate issue than what all I’ve been posting about in the other thread – he had surgery a year ago September and now he almost can’t walk at all), despite trying to do everything I can for him. I do all the driving now and basically, he just sits / sleeps in front of the TV because it’s less painful there than anywhere else.
He complains about everything, which I see as understandable, but for someone who is only barely mentally stable myself, it’s wearing on me more every day. He’s completely helpless. He’s pissed off. He’s depressed and swears he’s not. He won’t take any initiative or help himself in any way.
I am at the end of my rope and feel my own sanity starting to slip. I cry in the shower, so he can’t see me. I listen to diatribes from my mother about what a piss poor job I’m doing (or not) with him and how he’s killing himself, but I try to stay strong in the face of that. I’m willing to give up any and everything that I’ve got. I’ll do whatever it takes, but I’m falling apart. I’m so alone that I can’t stand it (no friends to speak of in real life / no family that isn’t under my mother’s purview / no one else at all) and I don’t know where to turn but here.
If you’ve read this far, I thank you. I don’t know if I just need to get it all out and vent or what. If anyone has any advice, I’d love to hear it. And again, I appreciate everyone on the Dope who has ever supported me through this (and other stuff too) and helped me deal. I can’t say enough how great I think all you people are and I believe that karma will repay all of the kindness I’ve been shown.
P.S. I’m sure there’s crap I left out. If anyone has any questions about my rambling description of this mess, please don’t hesitate to ask. I’ll clarify the best my muddled brain can muster. But bear with me, I’m operating on not much sleep and a migrain. God only knows what all I’ve typed.