Losing Steam with Husband Situation

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

First, I absolutely understand what you’re going through. That won’t make the pain and frustration go away, but I found that knowing that I wasn’t alone and wasn’t making it up and wasn’t overreacting meant a great deal.

As others have said, start calling his doctors and anyone you can find in the phone book who just might have an inking of an idea. Really, you just need to get one hit and then you can follow the trail whereever it leads. It is frustrating and time-consuming and it will break your heart how many times you will just break down and cry. The number of times I said, “I need help because my husband is dying” was… well, it was too many and it still makes my chest hurt remembering the desperation and the pain.

Do this out of his earshot, and don’t be afraid to say exactly your worst fears to the people you’re calling. Don’t be strong and brave for them. Be frank and just as afraid as you are. Not only will the people who are in a position to help move faster if they know how serious things are, but people who don’t think they are in a position to help can save you if they get inspired. I got help in the strangest of places by people who just wanted to help and found something they could do, even when it was just getting the name of an organization or a foundation or an agency or a doctor.

People are pretty nice and pretty good and the majority of people want to help you. They may not be able to, but they want to. My whole experience showed me just how damned NICE and caring people can be, for complete strangers.

If any of the issues he’s dealing with have national hotlines, that can be a good starting point. You need information and, frankly, it can be ridiculously hard to figure out who to ask and where to go.

In Ohio, the program for heating was called HEAP. Let’s see… yep, same program for Texas called CEAP:

Ms. Sharon Gamble
Energy Assistance
Texas Department of Housing & Community Affairs
Energy Assistance Section
P.O. Box 13941
Austin, Texas 78711-3941
TEL: (512) 475-0471
FAX: (512) 475-3935
E-MAIL: sharon.gamble@tdhca.state.tx.us
WEB SITE: Community Affairs
PUBLIC INQUIRIES: 1-877-399-8939
LITE-UP TEXAS: 1-866-454-8387
PUBLIC UTILITY COMMISSION COMPLAINTS: 1-888-782-8477

That’s a place to start. Hell, ask the person you talk to there if they can point you toward other low-income resources.

I hope this helps you get started. Please never hesitate a second to ask me for any help I can give you.

22

Sierra Indigo, you are so right and that’s why I hoped talking to a therapist would help him. It’s just so hard to remember that it’s the chronic illness talking when he lashes out at me so many times a day, over the most innocuous things. I’ll definitely try to do what you suggest though and let it roll off my back as nothing personal. But I have to ask, does it become less pointed? He really goes for the jugular most times now and I think the most hurtful part is how out of proportion and out of character it is. If I can find a chronic pain support group though, that’d be a lifesaver. I’ll look ASAP. Thank you so much for understanding. I hate that you’ve been there, but it’s comforting to know there are others like me.

lavenderviolet, for the most part no, the doctors don’t know. Since we found out, we’ve only been to one (all the others are coming up this week) and at that point early on, I thought I’d figure something out. What was I thinking??

Anyway, I’ll start talking to them next week. I’ve already explained it to my regular doctor and he says he’ll find a way for me to see his PA instead whenever I need refills on my blood pressure medicine. Also, he said he’d structure my prescriptions in such a way that I can get them for $4.00, since they’re all extremely old meds.

I’ve also got it on my list to call Social Security again Monday, so I’ll see if they can steer me towards a social worker. I already know we’re not eligible for some programs, but maybe we missed something on our initial visit.

As to the son, unless he can get away from work, I’m not sure what he can help with. He certainly wants to, but the last time he paid bills, he said he only had .38 to live on for him, the new wife and kid. Sadly, he’s not any better a money manager than us. But you bringing him up reminds me that I need to get him more involved regardless. Thank you for that.

chiroptera, I’m not going to give up on that idea, it’s just convincing Jaceson that’s the tough task. Perhaps if I stay after him enough (we fight all the time now, but I haven’t pushed this idea as much as others), I’ll be able to make him see it would be a good thing. Thank you for sharing that about your neighbor. It gives me hope.

BMalion, I’m so sorry to hear your going through something similar. Is there anything I can do to help? I may not be close (wish we were), but I’m a decent listener and if you need someone to vent to, I’d gladly offer my meager services. If only we lived in the same state, we’d be so much better off. Take care of yourself, PM me anytime and thank you for posting.

I’ll stop this post now, since it’s gotten so long too, and check for others.

23

jsgoddess, thank you for that and you are so right. In my life, I too, have found that people like to help, although I’m sorry your situation was such that you had to. I remember when you wrote about your husband and it was heartbreaking. I just always wish that your in a better place now and that you and Asmovian will be greatly happy together.

I’m so glad you’ve found that information for me. Sometimes dealing with this I seem to be all thumbs and it gets so frustrating. To have that direction up front is awesome. I’ll call them Monday too, and I’ll do as you suggest and ask for more help from there. I may also PM you, so thank for the offer.

Thank you all for everything. I feel like that’s all I’m doing is saying thanks, but know that I hold each of you in high esteem and I mean my gratitude from the depths of my soul.

24

Thank you. I was recently diagnosed with MS. It has been quite a challenge. I got fired in August and have been getting weaker every day. The treatments have affected me as if I had been hit by a truck. I almost called 911 last night because I could not breathe. I was able to put some monet aside so I’m not hurting at the moment, but it won’t last forever. I am filing a disability claim and other thing but it is hard. I feel all alone in this but I’m trying to keep my spirits up. Hang in there.

Your poor husband. It is not your fault.

I will PM you soon.

25

A few more:

American Liver Foundation support groups in Texas. People here can be supportive (amazingly helpful) and might know some resources.

Texas Homelessness Prevention

PM me with info about what you’ve been told regarding SSA disability, if you want, and I’ll do my best to answer any questions you have.

The Texas Department of Aging and Disability Services looks to be mostly for over 60 but they say “People of any age with low income Call your local DADS intake office for help with benefits.”

26

I meant to say I was able to put some “money” aside. The only impressionist artwork I have is a cute drawing on my fridge by my nephew.
:slight_smile:

27

Have you tried the department of children and families? Also known as the Department of Social Services in some states? Or the Salvation Army for outreach help? I know that many churches have food pantries as well.

Many drug companies will give you medications through their patient assistance programs at no cost, your primary just has to fill out some forms with you. (My stepdad has been on them for many years, and I have gotten many scripts for my patients. ) The site I love is www.needymeds.org. I have no connection to it, just know that it is a great site.

Sending good wishes and hugs to you.

28

A friend of mine who was homeless when I met him got hooked up with an elderly guy who needed a live in assistant. Not medical help…just someone to go to the grocery store…cook…clean…etc. It’s worked out really well for both of them.

I’m not suggesting that you pick someone up off the street…but some of the homeless outreach services might know people who would be a good fit.
It’s not for everyone…but it’s an option.
ETA: It goes without saying, but you guys are in my thoughts. I don’t go back and bump old threads typically, but I keep thinking about doing it to one of yours just to check up on you.
-D/a

29

Goodwill has assistance with finding jobs, polishing resumes, job training, etc.

30

This is the website for the Texas Social Services:https://www.yourtexasbenefits.com/ssp/SSPHome/ssphome.jsp

You can apply online.

31

I don’t have any new advice, unfortunately, but I do hope that something comes through for you really quickly. You’re always so kind and loving with people here, you’re surely due for some good karma.

32

Wow, faithfool, my thoughts are with you. I don’t know much to help you, but for mental health issues, the advice columnist Carolyn Hax recommends NAMI

33

Big hugs and prayers from me and the crew here in WV, faithfool.

34

Hey Faithfool, do you have PayPal? I may not have any helpful information, or advice, or time; But I have a lot of sympathy and a few bucks. I know throwing money at a problem doesn’t make it go away, but I’d like to give you something at least to help pay for your prescriptions/rent/copay whatever.

35

Unfortunately in my situation, it only became less vicious as my ex started getting better, and started feeling better. The pain makes a person snappy anyway, add in a lack of sleep, restlessness from not being able to go anywhere or do anything, guilt and shame for not being able to “Be a man” or to support themselves or their loved ones, and it quickly turns both inward and outward.

But hold onto that thought - it IS out of character. Most of the time it’s pain and fatigue speaking.

And I agree with what jsgoddess said; when you’re dealing with doctors, therapists, companies - don’t try and put on a brave face and pretend everything is okay. Be honest. Brutally so. If it means you cry, so be it. But let them know exactly what situation you’re in. Your husband is critically ill. You’re in a precarious situation - you’re not everydaywoman off the street. You’re in extenuating circumstances, and you need all the help possible that can be afforded to you.

I took the liberty of doing a quick google search for Texas Chronic Pain groups, and found a meetup.com group for Austin Chronic Pain Sufferers. I know you’re in Dallas and they’re in Austin, but you may be able to get in touch with some of them via meetup.com or email and they may be able to point you to other resources closer to your area.

[Edit]: There’s apparently a Chronic Pain support group that meets in Dallas on the first wednesday of every month http://www.voiceplaces.com/chronic-pain-support-group-dallas-fort-worth-807303-e/, but I don’t know how recently that page was updated.

36

Have you looked into going on disability (SSDI I mean) for the agoraphobia? If the stress of the situation is aggravating the condition so much, maybe you’d qualify.

37

faithfool, I was a caregiver too and feel deeply for you and what you’re going thru. Here are some suggestions:

Departmant of Children & Families has an Emergency Fund to provide you food while getting the wheels rolling on food stamps etc. If you can, go to their local office because they have flyers listing other resourses.

Get a notebook and divide it into two sections: in one write down every need you have and then everything you can think of that would help. In the other, write down each place/person you contact and after speaking with them jot down what they said. Often I would recall that somebody had given me a good tip, but couldn’t remember who or the number etc.

Medicaid should be stepping in Now. It covered ALL my brother’s medical costs. Contact Social Security and tell them you need immediate help. You can also be put on it (Medicaid), and not have to worry about trying to pay for insurance.

You say you’re selling your computer. Actually, keeping it will pay off more because you need contact with resourses—and folks like us. But if you do, the library has them that you can use.

Also, selling your car. Is it wise to sell it? I know you desperately need money but w/o it how will you get your husband to appt., how will you shop, how could you get to work? Buses aren’t cheap anymore (here, $1.75 one way.) Plus the long wait.

211 for United Way, great idea. Getting matched up with a renter/helper, great idea. The link to help with utilities also. Also call Elder Care, AARP etc. even if neither one of you are old enough, because they know the resources out there and can help steer you toward what you need.

Call your Suicide Prevention hotline. “Prevention” doesn’t mean you have to be jumping off the bridge. It means stopping things before it gets out of hand. They can give you info on getting mental health care for you both.

It may be difficult but, IMHO, stop asking your husband to “try” this and that. YOU do what it takes, with whoever, about whatever you all need and let him deal. And tell him you know he doesn’t mean it, but you won’t allow him to speak to you like that again. You’d be surprised how much restraint people can show when TOLD their behavior will no longer be put up with. That doesn’t mean he can’t complain or talk to you about what he’s going thru; in fact, that would be a good thing. But you must stop the emotional abuse or you’ll reach a point where you can no longer help him.

You must be physically helping your husband walk. Make him use the walker and/or cane also, to help YOU. If not, let him lay in bed for awhile until he decides to comply. Remember, all the responsibility is yours right now which means you get to choose what is going to be done about it.

Your family won’t help? Don’t talk to them right now, since you said your mother just adds to your burden. Who needs that?

Call your free Legal Aid services. They can provide all kinds of help and also know resources for other needs. In fact, call every “free” service you can find in the phone book; somebody is going to, even inadvertently, turn you on to a lead that will prove to be most helpful.

Take care of yourself while taking care of your husband. Eat. Rest. Keep in contact with the few people you reach even when it seems like too much trouble. We’re pulling for you, and one fellow even offered you money! Take it.

Hugz

38

One more thing. You’re going to be inundated with papers to fill out. Believe me, they must be filled out right. The folks at DCF are thoroughly familiar with them and someone can help you fill out each batch, correctly. This is really important in order to avoid delays or even cancellation of services.

:cool: :slight_smile:

39

ff, have you tried contacting NPOs in your area? in Spain both the Red Cross and Cáritas (I think the US equivalent is Catholic Charities) offer services such as “caretaker relief”, as well as financial assistance to tide people over when government help is not available or waiting to kick in.

40

My heavens! I am overwhelmed at the amount of responses and the outpouring of help. I’ve been crying reading through all this and I can’t even imagine a better group of people than you guys. Each of you is amazing.

I’m not sure how I should go about addressing what all has been said since I posted last. If I answer each one, I’ll over run MPSIMS and lay down another fifteen posts in a row or something. So I think I’m going to just try to hit the highlights. I hope that’s alright with y’all.

But first I need to let you all know this… I never posted this thread looking for any money. It never even crossed my mind. When I’ve talked about our financial state, it’s just been to show the unbelievable stress we’re under and to try to find ways to cope / resources.

I’ve gotten so many offers to help us (mostly via PM), and initially I turned those away, because I don’t want this to be about taking money from you guys. But now I’m at a loss as to what to do, since the situation is so dire and I’ve been on the other side if the fence before where I’ve wanted to help (not much, of course, but a little amount). And I would’ve been heartbroken if I couldn’t. So I don’t know what to do. You’re all so generous.

I’ll PM the ones who have offered here in the thread and I’ll catch up on all that private correspondence as soon as I’m through here.

Oh, and to the person who has already sent me some money via PayPal anonymously, you are an angel. I could never begin to thank you enough, so I’ll simply say that I pray your kindness is returned to you a hundred fold. Thank you again.

Okay, now to the actual catching up part…

BMalion, again I’m so sorry. That sounds absolutely terrifying and disheartening as well. I’m so glad you have some money put back and like I said before, please know you are not alone. We are here for you. I’ll PM you back today. Thank you again for taking the time to be concerned about me when you’ve got so much on your plate. You hang in there too.

jsgoddess, thanks for more links. I had no idea there was a liver support group foundation. You’d think his specialist would’ve told us. :frowning: And I know a bit about DADS from working with Meals on Wheels, so you’re right that there another potential help, even if we’re only in our 40s. Thank you.

missinformation, I’d never thought of trying anything related to children for help (or the Salvation Army either), but I’ll add them to the list of places to call starting Monday. As to getting the drug companies to help, I had heard of that, but didn’t know where or how to start the process. Thank you so much for the link and I’ll be talking to Jaceson’s primary this week to hopefully get that ball rolling. Also, that link to Texas Social Services looks really promising. Thank you for all your help and effort.

D/a, your suggestion got me thinking. Since I worked out of a senior center with Meals on Wheels, perhaps someone up there (not homeless, obviously, but in the same vein as your idea) might be able to move in with us, if the circumstances are right and would be beneficial to us both. Hmm. I’ll put that on the list too and hopefully, they’ll be a good outcome.

And I’m always happy to ‘see’ you when I update the other thread. Those well wishes mean a lot to us. So thank you again. Good thoughts is what we need.

Ferret Herder, Goodwill is a great idea. I know there’s not one here in our little area, but there probably is in the town one over. I even know someone who used to work for them, that I can go talk to. Thank you for that suggestion!

Alice, what a lovely thing to say. On a board this size, you never really know if anyone truly recognizes you, so to find you’ve made a positive impact on people you already admire and respect, well, that’s a heartening thing indeed. Thank you for saying that and for wishing us well. It’s so very much appreciated.

I suppose I’ll cut off my first reply there. Please bear with me as I type out the next. Thank you all.