Resolved: Any TV show would be better with more Klingons

In another thread, I mention that I feel you could improve any show with the addition of Klingons to the cast. I love Klingons. They’re hilarious.

The more I think about it, the more I’m convinced I am correct. Consider:

THE CBS EVENING NEWS NOW:

BOB SHIEFFER: Hello, I’m Bob Shieffer, and welcome to the CBS Evening News. Controversy over President Bush’s Supreme Court choice of Harriet Miers continues today. Here’s Wyatt Andrews with a report.

WYATT: Thanks, Bob. Today, Democratic Senator Ted Kennedy expressed concern over Miers’s lack of judicial experience. Kennedy called upon the Bush administration to further clarify why Miers was selected over candidates with more experience…

THE CBS EVENING NEWS WITH MORE KLINGONS:

BOB SHIEFFER: Hello, I’m Bob Shieffer, and welcome to the CBS Evening News. Controversy over President Bush’s Supreme Court choice of Harriet Miers continues today. Here’s Commander Korj with a report.

KORJ: I am Korj, son of Golkuk! What do you want?

BOB: Uh, Korj, we…

KORJ: Ah, yes, the report! Today, Ted Kennedy, who is fat and soft and mewls like a woman, insulted George, son of George, and his minions. Bush is cowardly and has no honor, and so he did not kill the fat man as a true Klingon would!
Your favourite dramatic series would change quite a bit as well:

CSI: CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATION NOW:

GIL GRISSOM: Catherine, do we have any leads on the Nicholson case?

CATHERINE WILLOWS: I asked Greg to run this DNA sample. Greg, what did you find?

GREG SANDERS: Well, the DNA matches the boyfriend.

GRISSOM: So maybe he did it.

WARRICK BROWN: But the fingerprints I lifted from the shot glass didn’t match him. They matched her accountant.

GRISSOM: We need more evidence!
CSI: CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATION WITH MORE KLINGONS:

GIL GRISSOM: Catherine, do we have any leads on the Nicholson case?

CATHERINE WILLOWS: I asked Tor’eff to run this DNA sample. Tor’eff, what did you find?

TOR’EFF, SON OF GUTT: The DNA did not match the boyfriend, but I found that the perpertrator is a dishonorable coward who smells like rancid g’agh!

GIL: Who’re you? Where is Greg?

TOR’EFF: You speak of Sanders. He was weak, and I slayed him and took over the trace lab!

GIL: Damn these staffing changes. Warrick, what did you find?

WARRICK: The prints I lifted from the shot glass don’t match our perp.

TOR’EFF: Fool! You did not try hard enough, fingerprint-man!

SARA SIDLE: Back off, you smelly ass.

TOR’EFF: (Squinting at Sara.) You are confrontational and you do not respect authority. (Points at Sara) She would make an excellent Klingon!
Of course, comedy would also change for the better:

EVERYONE LOVES RAYMOND NOW:

DEBORAH: Rayyyyyyy, you never help around the house. You never help with the kids. All you do is play golf, and work to support us in a comfortable lifestyle.

RAY: Uh, uh, uh, ummm, uhhh, uhhhh.

(Door opens. Ray’s parents and idiot brother lurch in.)

MARIE: Deborah, here’s a list of ways you’re a bad mother.

DEBORAH: Ray, say something!

RAY: Uhhh, uh, ummm, uhhh.

FRANK: I want food! I hate my wife!

ROBERT: Eeeeeverybody loves Raymond.
EVERYONE LOVES RAYMOND WITH MORE KLINGONS:

DEBORAH: Rayyyyyyy, you never help around the house. You never help with the kids. All you do is play golf, and work to support us in a comfortable lifestyle.

RAY: Uh, uh, uh, ummm, uhhh, uhhhh.

(Door opens. Ray’s parents walk in, as does his new brother, a Klingon - Ronoss, Son of Frank.)

RONOSS: What is this whining I hear?

DEBORAH: Ray never…

(Ronek pulls out a disruptor pistol and vaporizes Deborah.)

DEBORAH: AIIIIEEEEEEE

RAY: Huh, heh heh, uhhh, ummmm, now that Deborah’s dead who’s going to cook dinner?

(Ronoss pulls out a bat’leth and chops Ray’s head off. It bounces out of the living room and rolls into the kitchen.)

MARIE: I guess I can put this list away.

FRANK: Wow!

RONOSS: Everyone who loved Raymond had no honor!

Well, I read the news in a Morbo voice instead of a Klingon voice, but still funny.

Can we get a Klingon to replace Tim McCarver?

So did I!

How about a Klingon to eat Tim McCarver?

The concept would certainly make all those we-fix-your-house-while-you’re-at-work worth watching.

Homeowner: What did you do to my home?!

Klingon Project Supervisor: We made it worthy of a Klingon!

HO: But, where is my furniture? Why are all the rooms painted silver?

KPS: Fool! Cushions are for the weak. Your behind is flabby and soft. You have no honor. Sit upon this pumice love-seat. Feel the abrasiveness scraping away your soft ass mush.

And it is not silver, it is Disintegrato-Metal Grey… and it goes with the stainless steel curtains of death and the Brillo-Pad carpet.

My current favorite show is Mythbusters.
This concept is getting scary, now.

And I want to see Klingons doing Mythbusters.

Klingon Mythbusters

Kharg, son of Rhag: Tonight on Mythbusters we have disposed of the honorless cretins who have insisted on finding risk-free means of testing myths. We scorn risk, and will risk death, and worse, to find the truth.

J’ahm, son of NotAppearingInThisPicture: However, we do prefer that the risk is carried by our enemies, rather than ourselves, whenever possible. After all, what is better than to manipulate our enemies into risking near-certain death for our edification?

Kharg: I still do not believe this is the action of a true Klingon.

J’ahm: Does it matter? We’re messing with Romulans - if they live, the Myth gets Busted. If they die, the universe is a better place. How is this not the action of a true Klingon?

Kharg: A proper Klingon should be attacking from ambush…

J’ahm: Not infiltrating the Romulan Space Command’s logistics branch to substitute inferior quality parts for the ROMSPEC parts that were originally there?

Kharg cuffs J’ahm

Kharg: You weren’t supposed to explain how we’re testing the myth until we explain which myth we’re testing! Fool. How did you manage to survive to adulthood anyways?

(regains control of himself, as J’ahm presses at his forehead, shaking his head)

Kharg: We have all heard the joke that asks, How many Romulans does it take to change a transtator.

J’ahm: One to change the 'stator, and one hundred to blow up the ship for lost honor.

Kharg: This humor, brings us to our myth for tonight: Romulans make a point of honor out of trivial matters - and have only one way to expiate their loss of honor: Death.

J’ahm: Now, this myth is really two, in one. Will a Romulan make a point of honor about failure of nominally ROMSPEC parts?

Kharg: And if they do make it a point of honor, will mass suicide follow?

J’ahm: I don’t know about you, Kharg, but I hope this myth is true. Think of the honor we will gain for tricking hundreds of Romulans into committing mass suicide! The glory that will be ours!

Kharg: Yes! Now you speak like a true warrior. Even if your methods are a bit unconventional.

J’ahm: What’s the point in being conventional? That’s what everyone expects.

Kharg: Honor is based upon conventions! If you dispose of convention, where is your honor then?

.
.
.
.

(Durst I continue?)

Apologies to John M. Ford

Buffy the Klingon Slayer!

Comon, you know you want to watch it. :smiley:

Star Trek: Deep Space Nine…

With even MORE Klingons than before! :smiley:

Mmm, Jorja Fox with forehead ridges…

Any TV show not in the Adult Swim lineup would be better with more Klingons.

Except maybe Sealab 2021.

The interactions between Stormy and Grr’aluck could be priceless.

I want to see The Apprentice with Klingons!

Just imagine!

Me too :slight_smile:

I think The George Lopez show needs a Klingon, as long as it’s like the Everybody Loves Raymond scenario.

“Fear Factor” with Klingons…

The contestants are told to eat spiders or horse anus or something equally gross. Contestant 1: “retch”. Contestant 2: “Oh my god…” Contestant 3: “I demand more of these refreshments, pink-skinned fool!”

“The Amazing Race” with Klingons

Klingons kill another team as they try to run past them. They ask Phil:

“Was it not combat? Bah! You are not worthy of command!”

Let’s bring a Klingon on Mail Call with R. Lee Ermey and watch 'em mutually self-destruct.

A Klingon should replace Oprah.

Brainless Starlet: Well, in my new movie, I play a single mother, struggling to deal with sexual harassment from her boss.

Kovoss, son of Korg: And this boss is gutted and beheaded?

BS: Er, no…

Kovoss: Pathetic human! A Klingon woman would have done that and have risen in the chain of command! Your character has no honor!

BS: But I…

Kovoss: Silence! Tomorrow, we shall talk of Kovoss’ Klingon Opera Club!

RickJay, I need your help. I’m trying to think of a way to insert a Klingon into “24”.

I can see them watching Jack interrogate someone through the glass and nodding approvingly…and how do you think a Klingon would react to Chloe?

She’d be a queen!

At the risk of moving this thread into Great Debates, I think the White House press conferences would be a lot more fun if you replaced the press corps reporters with Klingons. :smiley:

Law and Order: Quonos

Bam BUM bah ba’aaah aaaah!

Defense Attorney: Your Honor, I object. This witness has no honor!

Jakhg Mc’Koi: Rah! The Prosecution has already established the honor of its witnesses!

Judge: Prepare the Arena of Pain! This shall be settled with Bat’leths!

Replace Judge Judy with a Klingon, for more & better beheadings.

Klingon Medium

Joe: What do you want?
Allison (awakening): Ump, I just had a dream…
Joe: Dream? You have time to sleep rather than to work to raise my children as warriors?
Allison: Father of Daughters! If you had honor, you would get me with a male child!
Joe: (growls menacingly)
Child: Mommy! I want something to kill!
Joe: Get the child some gagh!
Allison: Do not eat your gagh after it has crawled on the floor! It is yucky!
(Phone rings)
Joe: AARRRGHHH! Smashes phone.
Allison: That was probably my boss!
Joe: You have no boss but your husband you dishonorable slut!
Child: Mommy!
Allison: I dreamed about a racehorse and an affair of chance…
Joe: My Wife, you are a woman of valor and possess great honor. Er, the animal, and the race?