I think this was largely the basis for my confusion - lack of awareness of the time at which many/most people distinguish between fetus and baby (or however they think of their pregnancy.) And I thought I had previously heard this couple’s experience described as a miscarriage.
I appreciate the ability to get other peoples’ views and experiences on things such as this.
At 20 weeks it could arguably be described as either or both, there’s not a super sharp dividing line between the two.
Disclaimer: didn’t read the thread.
This sort of event is private, IMHO not newsworthy, and I don’t understand why the couple in question would WANT it to be covered publicly.
Over and out.
It gets kind of awkward when said couple already annouced that they were expecting. People are going to ask.
I had a miscarriage a year ago. I was about 6 weeks. I didn’t name the baby but I refer to it as a baby instead of a fetus as I maybe should. I was absolutely heartbroken and went to therapy for a while to deal with how messed up the whole experience made me. It’s deeply isolating. I agree with Spice_Weasel with how weird the support groups are so it feels like there’s no rational space to talk about. I am glad I had the ability to get therapy because, otherwise, I think I’d still be messed up over it.
I’m so sorry you had to go through that. No one should attempt to invalidate your emotions, or question how you grieve.
Well, that was an example of violating their own privacy.
I am so, so sorry. I have never been pregnant, but I would expect that the grief over a miscarriage would be excruciating. And readily dismissed by insensitive people.
Yes it can be and how each person or family experiences it is valid. Listen, share, reflect the listening and unconditional acceptance is what is needed. Absolutely suspend any judgement.
I’m still haunted by mine 37+ years ago. It was handled badly by the surgeons and hospitals, doctors, friends and family all the way around. I was supposed to be grateful that I survived and there I was drowning in black, abject grief because my first baby died and no one seemed to notice or think it mattered. PTSD from that rears it ugly head every Christmas season, especially if I hear Mannheim Steamroller holiday music. Any idea how common Mannheim Steamroller Christmas music is starting the day after Halloween? I love CoVid relieving me of in-person shopping and elevators. Now if only I could escape winter hold music 
on customer service calls.
Christie was sharing the story of her difficult pregnancy on instagram and twitter, so when she lost the baby, it kind of made sense that she would also share all those details with people who follow her.
Some people criticized her for it, but most people thanked her for showing people that it is ok to grieve in such a situation. I had no issues with her sharing her story, but I choose to follow her so there’s that.
People have a right to grieve the losses they feel as they choose. There is nothing unusual about naming a baby before it’s born. There is nothing unusual about having hopes and dreams for a child before it is born. There is nothing unusual about having profound grief about the loss of a child even if it hasn’t yet been born. People mourning seek support and comfort from people who care about them. We don’t have funerals for the dead; we have them for the living.
My grandmother, on her deathbed at 92 years old and surrounded by her adoring sons and grandchildren was still mourning for a stillborn baby from 60 years before. If taking some pictures and holding a funeral help would-be parents through their grief, then let them have that without adding to their grief…
Here’s the thing. Chrissy Teigen and John Legend are famous. Many people care about them. Perhaps unusually for many celebrity couples, Ms. Teigen and Mr. Legend also seem to care about their fans. If sharing their grief with their fans comforts them, then they should feel free to share their grief. This is probably better than struggling with anger and depression while trying to pretend everything is all right. If their being public about their pain helps other families who have experienced similar tragedies to cope with their pain, then what they did is a great service.
I have some friends who suffered a stillbirth at 27 weeks, maybe some 15 years ago. We’re not super close friends but I know the baby’s name, and they still mourn him and speak of him. I join them in donating to the March of Dimes every year in his name.
As for Tiegen & Legend, they’re speaking and writing about it publicly. It’s possible their publicist did send out a press release using the terms/phrases the Tribune used. She didn’t use those terms in her MEDIUM BLOG POST. She does describe the birth. So it would seem by her description there was a birth, and the Tribune is not off base.
I suspect that there’s some component of publicizing just how common they are, and just how devastating they can be. I mean, we had a miscarriage before our first child, and I was totally surprised just how many people confided that they (the couples) had experienced the same thing.
It’s extremely common, yet almost unspoken. Having a prominent couple announce it lets others know they’re not alone.
I do get that. But hell, there’s so much fallout from making a very private story like that public. I guess you have to weigh the pros and cons.
One more comment and then I’ll butt out-- sharing extremely personal and painful things like this feeds the public’s sense of entitlement to know everything. I know there have always been people who chose to bare all and tell all, but mass/social media opens a channel (as it were) for stuff like this to be know instantly everywhere by millions of people. Call me old-fashioned ('cause it’s true), but that makes me cringe. Not because of the content itself but because it feels (to me) like people trampling on private and tender ground. Yeah, I’m old-fashioned.
I’m so sorry that happened to you. It drives me nuts how this issue is so shrouded in secrecy and keeping a stiff upper lip. We were public about the pregnancy as soon as we knew. We were equally public about the miscarriage. I was overwhelmed by support and don’t regret revealing the pregnancy early.
That said, the miscarriage kicked off one of the worst years of our lives and damned near ruined our marriage (long story.) When I later got pregnant again, I spent the first trimester in a state of grief and terror at losing another baby. I guess I never fully grieved the loss of the first one. So sad that at a time that is usually special and celebrated between expecting parents, I could do nothing but cry and worry. I have on miscarriage boards seen women who have had five, six, seven miscarriages, and they still keep trying. And I’ve seen their stories end happily, too.
I think it is possible to move on and having a child helps me. Now that I know how difficult it is to have a child I can see how much harder it would have been if I had given birth to that baby, and now I’m relieved it didn’t happen. We weren’t ready.
I think this is part of a larger issue around pregnancy, pregnancy loss, childbirth and the fourth trimester. People just don’t talk about it. I would have been lost without my message boards giving me a sense of what’s normal and when to seek help. We are lost without each other.
Her pregnancy was likely visible. They couldn’t hide it much longer anyway. Being a celebrity couple, they chose to get ahead of the gossip.
and yet…
Well, I care next to next to nothing. So I didn’t read the article, or most of this thread.
I guess I’m just really uncomfortable with this current oversharing of every private thing.
This hits close to home due to a family member who shares her own and others’ private emotions/events, due to a need for validation by her ‘public’. She does this without permission by the others, and despite a couple of interventions that didn’t take.
This is the crux of the matter to me. How can someone violate their own privacy? Is privacy - what is and what ought to remain private - not entirely subjective? In this particular case I think the idea that miscarriages or stillbirths should remain private is grounded in outmoded expectations of silent martyrdom for women. I view Tiegen’s choice as a feminist issue.
I am not saying everyone should be open about their pregnancy loss. For me it is about choice. If people want to grieve in private I support that. If they want their entire community to grieve along with them, I support that too. People have a right to set their own parameters when it comes to privacy.
This isn’t just an issue of miscarriage, IMO. Some people choose to talk about their mental illness for the betterment of society, even though mental illness is supposed to be suffered in silence. Some people talk about their cancer (like Barbara Ehrenreich!) and I’m glad they did. Talking about this stuff allows those suffering to label what they are experiencing, compare notes with others, find ways to heal. I think it can be a good thing to rebel against some other person’s opinion about what ought to remain private.
My wife had 2 miscarriages and I don’t think anyone even knew about it except for our mothers. This was circa 2005-2010 or so. So not exactly olden days but before social media sharing of everything was common. It’s always seemed strange to me when people even share this info at all, let alone have funerals and all that stuff. The experiences were very traumatic for my wife (and not a fun time for me), but it was something she discussed with me, MIL, and therapist. I don’t even believe in sharing pregnancy news beyond close family and even then way after the probability of a viable birth is very likely.
They’ve been very open with their long struggles with infertility, which tends to be a completely consuming issue. Their other children were conceived by artificial insemination, which is also all-consuming.
When they announced this pregnancy, she was just beginning to show. So it was going to be public very soon anyway. Even Lucy (I Love Lucy) was allowed to share her pregnancy with the viewing public, but even then, there were people who thought it was inappropriate and unseemly. Women were expected to keep it hidden until everything was completed.
Teigen was 20 weeks along when she miscarried. The probability of a viable birth was very likely.
I would not be as public as they were, but I can certainly see how they got to that place.
I think it’s rooted in the idea that pregnancy, female anatomy, all that, are deeply shameful. Pregnancy itself was an embarrassing condition in living memory. Married pregnant teachers fired, sanitary products in brown paper wrapper behind the counter, etc. Miscarriages weren’t talked about because the entire reproductive process was treated as inappropriate for polite company. And miscarriages are the worst because people love to blame the mother. So it’s a taboo to talk about AND you open yourself up to criticism, both for the choices you made (did you have a cup of coffee? Did you ride a bike? Were you in the same room as a smoker? My grandma’s doctor told her she lost a baby because . . . ), and, apparently, if you grieve too much or too little, that’s up for review, too.
I literally have no idea who the people in the OP are, but a 20 week old baby is a traumatic loss, involving labor and a hospital stay. It’s FOUR WEEKS from potential viability. And ten minutes of googling would reveal these facts, less time than it took to type up a JAQing off, judgmental OP.
“John Legend is an American singer, songwriter, record producer, actor, film producer, theatre director, and philanthropist.” He starred in last year’s Jesus Christ Superstar production on TV. He’s the 2nd youngest EGOT winner. Last year, People magazine named him Sexiest Man Alive.
“Christine Teigen is an American model, television personality, author, and entrepreneur. She made her professional modeling debut in the annual Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue in 2010.”
They publicly devote huge amounts of effort and financial support to a shit-ton of charitable causes, and seem to all-around very good people. They’re excellent role models.