One I heard from a friend: if you go to a Russian restaurant, never order the one really expensive, elaborate dish on the menu. There are apparently things you are ‘not supposed to order’.
From my mom: don’t order lamb at a Greek restaurant. Lamb may be the Greeks’ specialty, but most restaurants won’t put the effort into it that is required to do it well. It’s only in home cooking that lamb will be awesome.
Restaurants with gimmicks usually focus more on the appearance than the food.
Superhal’s Bacon Rulebook:
The Rule of the Conservation of Bacon: Nobody, in the history of American dining, has ever screwed up on bacon. The only problem is not giving enough. 1 “serving” of bacon is NOT two strips.
The Foreigner Bacon Rule: never order bacon at a non-American restaurant. Odds are, it will be boiled, half-cooked, or unsmoked strips of pork belly.
The Bacon Burger Rule: Never pay $1 more for bacon on a burger. You will usually get 1 strip cut in half or made into a circle, neither of which are worth the 500% markup.
The Bacon Confusion Rule: When ordering pizza, always ask what kind of bacon they are using. Fresh bacon will turn into a layer of lard on top of the cheese. Bacon bits will make a crispy coating, much like fried chicken. And then, some asshole will call Canadian Bacon “bacon.” We call it ham here, bitch.
When choosing a hole-in-the-wall Mexican place, look for the one with open textbooks and homework on a back table. That means it’s a family-run place, with the daughters taking orders, the sons bussing tables, papa hosting and running the front, and mama and maybe grandmama in the kitchen cranking out some family recipes for the gringos. This is especially true if the menu has things on it that are different than your usual Sonoran fare.
Note my qualifier of “General”. Not all rules applay to all locations and YMMV.
A couple more:
Ordering a hamburger in Europe is a true gastronomic adventure and I mean that in the most cautionary way.
A pepperoni pizza in most of Europe is not what you think it is.
Any food on a menu (or any restaurant, for that matter) in any country outside the US that has the word “American” in the description will likely not resemble anything you ever had in the states, and probably should be avoided.
That’s fair, since our “Italian” and “French” and “Russian” (and so forth) foods don’t resemble anything they ever had back home either.
My rule of thumb for this is french fries - any place that can’t put a piping hot, tasty order of fries in front of me is failing Restaurant 101.
If you’re ever in Calgary, don’t bother going to Peter’s Drive-In burgers in spite of the 200 people lined up - the food is mediocre at best (but the portions are huge). Sorry, Hugh.
I keep trying to tell you people, our bacon is your bacon! Somebody somewhere got a big idea and started calling backbacon Canadian bacon, but it isn’t what we call bacon here, I swear!
Superhal’s Sushi Handbook:
The Side Wasabi Rule: the first time you ever try a new sushi restaurant, always order wasabi on the side. In different countries, the amount of wasabi put into sushi differs. In Korea, for example, they put enough wasabi to make a Japanese person puke, about as much as the first joint of your pinky.
The Secret Sauce Rule: Most sushi restaurants have secret sauces that are unique to that restaurant or chain. Genki Sushi, for example, makes an incredibly delicious garlic mayonaisse sauce. However, to get it, you have to order off the menu rather than in one of the generic rolls.
The Market Price Rule: certain varieties of fish are more expensive at different times of the year. Tuna, for example, is more expensive around New Years, but for the rest of the year, is one of the cheapest, yet most delicious, fish.
The Fake Sushi Rule: Sushi restaurants in America usually cater to American tastes, and thus the California Roll, Hot Dog Sushi, and Spam Sushi were born. In general, American “fake sushi” takes low quality food and sells it at sushi prices.
Jesus Christ, I hear you. Outside of Bryce Canyon we went to the only restaurant we could find that was open. It was, service and food, the nastiest restaurant I’ve ever been to in my life. Bad enough that as soon as we were done eating, we fled for the safety of Arizona, five hours away. Seriously, those mofos screwed up breakfast, and put the lie to Superhal’s claim that no American has ever screwed up bacon.
Edit: Superhal, my favorite fake sushi was at a local place who one night sold BLT sushi. I’m convinced they were mocking Americans. Never did try it, but it still remains my favorite.
I’m still waiting for people to get the joke about California Rolls.
“ha ha look at those round eyes inhaling fake crab meat! ha ha!”
My rule for judging unknown barbecue joints on the road in the South: Look at the sign. The more un-pig-like the behavior of the pig on the sign, the better the barbecue is likely to be. Pig dancing with a bottle of hot sauce in its hoof? Let’s stop! Pig standing in a field? Let’s keep looking.
Surimi - that fake crab stuff - is eaten quite a bit in Japan.
Corollary: The more weird religious stuff on the wall, the better the Q.
I think we went to that restaurant - I had the worst chicken quesadilla of my life there - I think they made it with Kraft Singles.
The very best Mexican restaurants are only open on weekend mornings, as they are hidden in out-of-the-way flea markets.
Hey, just figured out what I’m doing in the morning!
In warmer weather this happens in Chicago too - the Maxwell Street Market (oddly enough no longer on Maxwell street) is the place to be on the weekends if you’re looking for real authentic home-made Mexican cooking.
As Cat Whisperer says, the bacon you get in a Canadian restaurant will be exactly what you would get in America. Also, the British love bacon, and are quite adept at cooking it well. In fact, I can’t remember ever being served bacon anywhere in Europe that was boiled or unsmoked.
Got a question for you: Let’s say I step into a random restaurant off the street in Korea or Japan and ask for some wasabi on the side. Am I more likely to get authentic wasabi, or will I get “Western Wasabi” (Horseradish). I don’t mind western wasabi, in fact, I eat it all the time with my sushi, I’m just curious if I’ll get that or the real deal, and what the difference will be.
Yep. After spending two weeks eating (mostly) wonderful food in Spain, I was craving a little salty-cheesy-hangover food. I was pleasantly surprised to find the local McDonald’s sold tap beer! Hair 'o the dog and a cheeseburger. Wish they’d do that here…
Yeah, my favorite place to go for sushi does an excellent job with the authentic types, but then they have a couple of oddball varieties like steak sushi and the “Philly Roll” which has generous amounts of cream cheese. I will say that avocado (which doesn’t seem like a traditional Japanese/Korean ingredient to me) does compliment some rolls well.
One time I attended an office potluck where one of my co-workers, who was ethnic Hawaiian, brought in some Spam sushi which she called “Spam musubi”. Apparently it’s very popular in Hawaii - it probably came about due to the combination of the local Japanese population and the fondness that Pacific Islanders have for Spam. I’ve only ever seen it offered at one restaurant in the mainland U.S., though.
Seconding this rule. My favorite Chinese takeout place has had the kids taking orders for years. The oldest went off to college now so it’s a little sad to see real employees in there, but the Szechun Beef and Sesame Tofu are as good as ever.