At great expense, and no small cost to my mental well being, I have uncovered the secret of the arcane arts of accounting at the A-Plus down the street from me. The field work was brutal, but just as I feared I might never understand their rituals, I happened upon the Rosetta stone of A-Plus documents: the A-Plus daily accounting procedure! I publish it here for the first time…
Step 1:
Daily accounting can only take place during the busiest time of day: morning rush hour. If there are not at least 6 people queued at the register, and a further 6 waiting at the pumps, you must never begin the ceremony. Unwilling participants are essential to balancing the numbers.
Step 2:
Under no circumstances can customers be warned that accounting is about to take place. Do not breach the secret of the ritual! It is of particular importance that those at the pumps be in the middle of filling up when the pumps shut off. It is the energy of their frustration that harmonizes the debit column.
Step 3:
Positioning – The high priest, wearing his ceremonial orange tie, will circulate among the unwilling, whispering the ancient words, “Org manivoot, ihipti sala.” This means, “please wait for the eternal minute.” The head acolyte is to stand behind the counter shouting to the accounting gods, “Bobitaka! Cim Babitaka!” while keying the code into the alter.
Step 4:
The critical moment – When the holy white tape begins spewing out of the alter, it is time to perform the most hallowed portion of the rite: the reenactment of the epic purging of the accounting demons. The head acolyte is to invoke Spud, the great accounting spirit, and leave the building screaming and flailing his arms. The accounting demons, symbolically represented by patrons irritably pushing buttons and swiping cards, will chant, “What the hell are you doing?” The acolyte will admonish them in the name of Spud, “Sevik pirt bola?!” which is say, “Quit touching the machines, you pigfuckers, can’t you see I’m accounting?!”
Step 5:
The head priest must conclude the ritual by resetting the pumps, being sure no receipts are available for the aborted fill-ups. Great care must be taken! The faithful will be extremely impassioned by the ceremony, and more than one high priest has been placed upside down in a garbage can by patrons experiencing trances of religious ecstasy.