Why do feet smell and noses run?
Best way to kill a clown?
Hit him in the face with an axe.
What? Kids hate clowns? They’ll love it.
-FrL-
What’s the capital of North Korea?
Two fifty!
OK maybe not entirely PC but it teaches the difference between capital and capitol. Insert any poor country.
How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a little boogie in it.
Q: Why do you go to bed?
A: Because the bed won’t come to you!
Q: Why did the picture go to jail?
A: Because it was framed.
Q: Which hand is it better to write with?
A: Neither, it’s best to write with a pen!
Why did the Skeleton go to the movies by himself?
He had no body to go with him.
A policeman saw a man walking down the street with a penguin. He told the man he should take the penguin to the zoo.‘Good idea’, the man replied, and off he went. The next day the policeman saw the man again, and he still had the penguin with him. ‘I thought I told you to take the penguin to the zoo’, the policeman said. ‘I did’, answered the man, ‘and today I’m taking him to the movies!’
This one works for school kids if you turn “bar” into “store” and “bartender” to “clerk”:
A duck walks into a bar and says “Got any grapes?” and the bartender says “No we don’t sell grapes!”. So the next day the duck comes back and says “Got any grapes?” and the bartender says “No we don’t sell grapes, and the next time you come in here for grapes I’m going to nail your feet to the ground!!” So the next day the duck comes back and says “Got any nails?” and the bartender says “No, we don’t sell nails” so the duck says “Got any hammers?” and the bartender says “No we don’t sell hammers!” So the duck says “Got any grapes?”
The variation my Dad inflicted on me … repeatedly:
DAD: Adam and Eve and Pinchme went out to the sea to swim. Adam and Eve drowned. Who was left?
MUCH YOUNGER AND MORE GULLIBLE ME: Pinchme. Ow! Why did you do that?
So, um, beanpod, ARE you a truck?
What did the fish say when he swam into the wall?
Dam!
What is a tree’s least favorite month?
SepTIMBERRRRR!
Why DIDN’T the skeleton crosss the road?
He didn’t have the guts.
Mom rabbit to Dad rabbit, eating the gardener’s produce:
These carrots sure are pithy! Junior rabbit:
They should be, I pithed on them.
What’s purple and hums?
An electric grape!
Why does it hum?
Because it doesn’t know the words!
Pete and Repete were at the top of a building. Pete jumped off. Who was left?
Repete.
Pete and Repete were at the top of a building . . .
(Repete until meltdown)
They’re after me! They’re after me! The squirrels! They think I’m nuts!
It’s all around me! It’s all around me! My belt!
There was an old owl who lived in an oak.
The more he saw, the less he spoke.
The less he spoke, the more he heard.
Come on, get with it, and be like that bird.
What do you call a deer that can’t see?
No eyed deer
What do you call a sleeping deer that can’t see
Still no eyed deer
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
snowballs
How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
I don’t think this will work in the US, but Aussies and Poms might like it:
Q. What are Hundreds & Thousands?
A. Smartie poo.
Q Why don’t cannibals eat clowns?
A They taste funny
The cannibals were eating stew and the chief calls the cook over. “This stew tastes awful! How did you make it?”
“Well, we captured this guy and boiled him and cut him up.”
“Let me see his clothes!” They walk to the kitchen and the cook points out the clothes that the entree was wearing- black pants and shirt and a white collar. “No wonder it tastes bad! You shouldn’t have boiled him- he was a friar!”
Tonto says to the Lone Ranger, “Me no like your horse, kemosabe”
“Shut up and eat!”
Why did the moron throw his clock out the window?
He wanted to see time fly.
knock, knock
who’s there
Boo
Boo, who?
Don’t cry, Ether bunny come back next year.
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?
Hellifino.
A missionary in Africa is captured by the natives, bound, and plopped into a big iron pot of water. He thinks he’s done for until he sees the chief kneeling in front of the pot with his head bowed. “Pardon me, brother,” he asks, “are you by chance a Christian?” The chief looks up and snaps, “I certainly am! And please don’t interrupt me while I’m saying grace!”
Q. What did the necktie say to the hat?
A. “You go on ahead and I’ll just hang around here.”
Q. What did one casket say to the other casket?
A. “Is that you, coffin?” (Is that you coughin’?)
Q. Why did Robinson Crusoe have a great weekend?
A. He got all of his work done by Friday.