When my mother dies she has decided(and the papers are signed) that her body will be donated to a medical school. There will be a religious memorial service for her, a funeral without the body, and no interrment or committal.
Now, when the medical school has completed it’s “work” there are two options. They will legally dispose of whatever remains or those remains will be cremated and returned to the family.
At this point what is done? Her ashes will be interred in the chosen grave plot, but is this the time for a committal service? Or do we simply go to the cemetery and ask them to dig a hole big enough for the urn and have the ashes interred?
Have you ever been involved with this sort of situation? She wanted to donate in order to give something back for her education. She was an RN who got through school on a scholarship.
A nice committal ceremony would be good, but not necessary. Ask around the members of the family to see what they want.
This is one of those things where there isn’t any right answer – but if you handle things diplomatically, there isn’t any “wrong answer” either. Only a jerk would scold you for not having done things their way – and who cares what jerks think?
I grew up on a cattle ranch, with lots of open acreage. My parents were cremated, and we buried the ashes in a nice shady spot under the oaks. I did the digging myself with my pa’s old set of post-hole diggers.
In any case, any good cemetery will have a list of options for interment, at, obviously, a varying schedule of costs. You could have the ashes put behind stone in a mausoleum wall, or buried in a small grave. Or scattered at sea, or several other legally specified locations. (I wouldn’t mind being scattered over Yosemite Park somewhere, which, I believe, is permitted. But I’ll probably end up under the old oaks…)
Thank you so much for your reply. I’m hoping I don’t have to do anything about this for a long time, but the recent accidental death of my father reminds me that “it happens”
One thing I should do at the time would be to speak to their minister. I’m sure he will let me know what is appropriate.
My own church has a columbarium, and folks who’ve been cremated can be interred right after the funeral. No long street procession of cars is needed. But that only happens when there has been no long interval between the death and the interment, as there will be for my mother.
A minister can definitely help out. I’d also suggest having a “wingman,” someone either in the family or a close friend, to help you with the arrangements, so you’re not stuck doing it all yourself, especially at an emotionally trying time.
And I’d never known the word Columbarium before! Thank you for enriching my vocabulary!
(My late roommate had a sad ending. His mother’s ashes were in a columbarium, and he wanted his to be nearby. But he died without a will, and with no relatives, so the state had to take charge of his remains. His ashes were scattered at sea, according to state law. He’d actually made up a will…but had never signed it! For the sake of your loved ones, everyone, take care of the necessary details!)
(I was to be the beneficiary of his savings account…but, with no will, and no death certificate, this can’t happen. The bank keeps sending out completely pointless statements regarding his $4.00 balance…and it’s a no-fee account, so that balance is on their books for two years, at which point it goes to the state’s program for unclaimed accounts. What a drear waste of effort!)
Trinopus, I’m so sorry for the fate of your friend. You are right, what a waste of effort.
I will say my family is prepared. My father and mother trusted we three daughters implicitly. I am on a couple of their financial accounts, my sister on some stock, and so on. I am executrix of the will, and Mom wants one of us to be signed on to the house, so as little as possible goes into probate.
My sisters and I are tight, there won’t be any family fighting. I’ve heard horror stories about that.
I guess the question about services has come since my father recently died in an accident. It just seems like parents go on forever, and then it’s brought home that they don’t. And we all want my mom’s wishes to be respected in the matter of the body donation.
When we finished dissecting the bodies in my med school anatomy class, their remains wer cremated and we had a dedication ceremony to which we invited all the family members of the donors.
I can only find this old article on-line, but as far as I know Dartmouth Medical School (now the Geisel School of Medicine at Dartmouth) has a service each year.
The same was done for my grandparents, although I can’t recall which medical school they were donated to. They died six months apart, and had made prearrangements to be donated to the same school. As it was within the same year, they were part of the same memorial service at the school. Then the cremated remains were returned to their children. I think my aunt kept them, but I’m not sure.
Just my 2 cents, but I have a friend whose mother was cremated as the ashes scattered per her mother’s wishes. The family didn’t get to do the scattering, because it was a popular place, and there is a regularly scheduled time when everyone who wants to be scattered there is done by helicopter, and the families get to watch from a distance. It was really unsatisfying for my friend, despite knowing that she followed her mother’s wishes, and now she has no grave to visit, which she finds very painful.
I know some people who lost family members in the Holocaust, including my aunt’s parents who lost to sons, and people who lost family members in other ways where the body was never located. Not having a grave to visit seems to compound their grief.
So, if your mother is leaving the final disposition of the ashes up to you, I would consider a grave or some other place you can visit, and leave flowers (if you do that sort of thing). I know someone who purchased a grave for ashes, and they are pretty cheap, relative to graves for bodies. They are usually off to the side or on a hill, or some place in the cemetery where the contour of the ground makes digging full graves difficult, so it probably will not support a large marker, but those flat brass markers can be very dignified.
As far was what sort of service to have, if you have a church you attend, or your mother does, I would talk to the minister. But in these circumstances, nothing is wrong. Thanks to your mother for what she is doing. I have a friend who has fibromyalgia, and figures she won’t be of much use for transplants, so she has made the same arrangements. Personally, I’m holding out hope that I’ll at least be good for cornea and bone graft transplants.