Rot in hell, you syphilitic boil on a camel's hemorrhoid, BUT DON'T LIE TO ME!

The BBQ Pit
1

Especially a stupid lie.

Look, here’s the deal. I sell health insurance. You called us and said you needed some. Your name was passed to me, a local rep, and I called you. We talked about what you were looking for and what you needed, and it seemed that there was a nice match, so we made an appointment for tonight at 6:30. I showed up at your place to help you out. It turned out to be an apartment building. I didn’t have your apt. #, but there was a phantom “1” on the sheet you had filled out REQUESTING ME TO COME SEE YOU. I figured it was a good bet that you lived in apt. #1. A neighbor came in about the time I was deciding this, and I asked him if he knew “Jane Doe”. He said he did, that Jane was in Apt #1. He turned and pointed to the parking lot. “She should be here, that is her car”, so I knocked on your door. There was no answer, so I called your number. I could hear the phone ringing in your apt, but you didn’t answer. I left a message saying I would be waiting for you. I then went outside to the stoop and called other clients, just doing my job. After about 15 minutes, you opened your door and came out. Your hair was wet. I figured “Oh, she was in the shower, that explains everything”. I asked you “Are you Jane Doe”? You said no, and went to the car that had been pointed out to me and got something out of it. As you came back I explained my situation, I had an appointment, but wasn’t sure of the apt. #, did you know “Jane Doe”. You had the absolute balls to say “I’m sorry that happened”!!!“But I don’t know any of my neighbors”, and then you went back into Apt #1.

Look, I’m a simple man, I give EVERYBODY the benefit of the doubt. I figured I made a mistake, so I went back to the guardhouse and asked what your Apt# was. The answer? #1.

YOU BITCH

Do you think I have nothing better to do than waste my time with you? Look, tell me anything. Tell me you got health insurance thru your job, tell me you don’t want to spend the money, tell me you spent the weekend being Pammy Pass-A-Round for a convention of evil bikers and now fear you have syphilis, ghonerria and AIDS and don’t think you would qualify for coverage, JUST DON’T LIE TO ME!!! Don’t deny who you are.
I have one simple rule in my life. I don’t lie. It’s just too damn hard to keep track of who you told what. Ask anyone who knows me, and I am sure they will back me up on this, and prolly add that I’m a very simple man. I’ll give you the shirt off my back, happily, and do it again and again ( see, “Amy” ), BUT DON’T LIE TO ME! Lies are the one thing I can’t abide, and doing it blatently to my face is worse. STUPID lies are worse yet.
I have been doing what I do for a while. I like it, it’s fullfilling, but…while nights like tonight are not unknown, I can’t become cynic enough to accept them amicably.
FUCK YOU FOR RUINING MY NIGHT AND WASTING MY TIME!*

2

Well, 'Dave, for what it’s worth, I respect you… you damned Trekkie bastard.

3

Gee, Dave. You didn’t call her a pedophile and suggest she kill herself? I guess for you, this is progress.

4

and while we’re ranting…

LEGAL and Trade Collections!!
Check and see if the bill has been paid before you start harassing me!! The bill was paid last week! the Hospital have confirmed this!!

NOW FUCK OFF!!!

5

Gee, Bossk, how nice of you to pop in with a reminder of the last time I went a litle too far. I don’t normally do that, but, gee, golly whix, DMC was taking pot shots at someone I care about,and I overreacted. This has relevance to this current rant how?

6

…and while we’re ranting…

If you make an appointment to see the apartment I am trying to rent, either show up or call and say you aren’t coming! About three out of four folks who want to see the place don’t show up. I don’t want my time wasted hanging around waiting for a lazy jerk who can’t be bothered to tell me they have decided not to come see the place.

7

I’m with ya Dave. I too give people the benefit of the doubt more often than I should. For some reason the vast majority of people seem to no longer consider common courtesy necessary. Routinely people don’t RSVP when they’re supposed to. Thank you notes have been all but forgotten. Now even “bless you (or whatever is appropriate)” has fallen by the wayside.

Lesson: People suck, quit trusting them…

Hmmm, no that might be too harsh.

Lesson: Set the example yourself and maybe others will follow.

That being said…

There still might be a plausable explanation for that woman not being who you thought she was. Perhaps she was a thief and had the real lady bound up (or murdered, hence the shower to remove the blood) in the kitchen. She honestly might not have know who you were talking about (assuming it was a random crime) and she wouldn’t have know the neighbors.

Or perhaps that lady was a lesbian one night stand and was just showering up after lovemaking. She might have forgotten her new lovers name and didn’t want to draw attention to the fact.

The last possibility is body-snatching space aliens. Tell me something, did you happen to notice any pods around the area?

8

I would call back phone numbers from our list of calls that came in, and people would act like there could be NO POSSIBLE way that someone from that house would call about an SAT class.

“Is Ryan there?”

“No.”

“Well, I have a note here that he called about an SAT class.”

“I didn’t call you.”

“Yes, but I have the name Ryan here.”

“He didn’t call you.”

“Well, that’s the only way I would have his name and number here. I’m only calling back people who called us first.”

Stunned silence.

“What grade is Ryan in?”

“He’s in 11th grade.”

“Right. I bet he called us to get help for his SAT test. Is he thinking about taking the SAT soon?”

“Yes.”

“Well, have him call Dave back at XXX-XXXX.”
DUUUHHHHHHH.