Yeah, the mom didn’t really leave the OP with any appropriate response. I’d give the kid more than a sliver of a break, though: Three is young enough to excuse some lapses of manners even with parents who are trying to teach them, and this mom apparently isn’t.
All right, let’s take it from the top.
The 3 year old should be in the process of learning that one doesn’t grab food off the plates of others. Developmentally, she should be familiar with this concept but forgetting it in the moment is also exactly what a kid this age is likely to do.
The mom should have intervened in this moment, to either redirect the kid to other available food, or possibly, if she believed you were amenable to sharing the broccoli, guided the child to ask “May I please try some broccoli?” And then apparently also guided the kid to accept your “no” answer gracefully.
For you, there’s no need to be an Angry Bird here, what’s that about? Another option, which is not required but would certainly be nice, and helpful, would be for you to prompt the kid to ask in the polite way, with the result being she gets some broccoli. Engaging with adults and practicing adult interactions is awesome for a kid to develop better table manners. You’re not obligated to do this of course, but I would also point out that this wasn’t some strange kid who wandered up, this is a family member. Another engaging option would be to guide her to ask, and then asking her to trade something on her plate for the broccoli.
If you’re set on keeping all your broccoli, then instead of barking “No, it’s MINE,” go for the polite decline, “I’m afraid not, I’m eating this broccoli.”
The mom – did not behave appropriately
You – did not behave appropriately
The kid – did not behave ideally, but within the bounds of realistic for her age, and I’m giving her a pass because the adults around her were not exactly setting a high standard.
Started in my mom’s friends preschool program at age 2.5, and PW was (and still is) a stickler. I remember getting scolded for grabbing the brown basketball bear puppet (she had alphabet puppets, although only for half the alphabet, which bothered me because there were no puppets for my initials.)
Manners were certainly not mastered. Grabbing got squelched early. Interrupting took longer, maybe age 5, given my being appalled by a few of the kids in kindergarten.
Let people raise their children the way they choose. If, in your presence, they behave in a way that impacts you personally, explain to them why you feel that way about it. Children are, generally, capable of understanding reason, even if the reason they are given is that some people think their behavior is rude.
Fer crying out loud.
Everything is fine up to the point where you glare at the three-year-old for trying to grab some broccoli without asking. What should happen then is the kid says “Can I please have some of your broccoli?” and then you say “Of course you can, since you asked so nicely” and then you share your fucking broccoli with your three-year-old cousin.
Sheesh. Some people need to learn how to share, and some of them are three years old.
Regards,
Shodan
You mishandled this from start to finish, including the entire lead-up to the interaction.
Lets look at the interaction first:
- Madison shouldn’t have reached for the food without asking, but she is 3 and is in the process of being taught manners. Given the long wait and the circumstances, she’s probably really tired and can be forgiven for forgetting her manners.
- Mom should have corrected Madison. Is she indifferent to Madison’s behavioral errors or would she normally correct her if she was rude like that? If she normally tries to teach and model good manners, then she was probably just tired and overwhelmed and cranky herself, and had a moment of non-ideal parenting like we all do.
- You could have acted on this “teachable moment yourself.” WhyNot says “there’s also no polite way in the current culture to correct someone else’s child.” I disagree. It’s perfectly appropriate for an uncle to pitch in and help teach his niece some manners. It takes a village and all that. If he had given her a semi-stern look and said something like “what’s the magic word?” or “I’ll be happy to share if you ask nicely,” I can’t imagine that the mother would have been upset, and probably would have been happy to have someone else take care of teaching manners for a change.
- You should have given the kid a piece of broccoli even if you didn’t really want to. A 3 year old is asking for a vegetable, for pete’s sake! That is behavior that you want to positively reinforce!
- I understand that some people really really really hate to share their food under any circumstances. Okay, fine, people have their quirks. If they decline politely, no problem. But if your possessiveness towards food is so severe that it not only trumps generosity but ALSO provokes such a strong defensive reaction, then that is no quirk. That’s severe issues surrounding food.
- Your “No, it’s MINE” response was absolutely inexcusable. Rude, ridiculous, petulant, desperately immature, and frankly, kind of crazy. You modeled terrible behavior for your niece, too. If you weren’t going to share, you could and should have declined politely.
- WhyNot also says that the mother was rude because “Mom because you don’t correct adults’ manners in public.” Yes, sure, but if you can’t tell your brother he’s being an asshole, who can you tell that they’re being an asshole? She may have overreacted, but she also communicated to her child that the OP’s behavior wasn’t appropriate, which is a good thing, if not ideally handled.
The kid - gets a pass
The mom - gets a partial pass
The OP - was behaved entirely inappropriately
Now, let’s look at the lead-up:
- You shouldn’t have let yourself get into such a tired, grumpy, and ravenous state in the first place. You’re an adult. Sometimes circumstances intervene, but this was not such a case.
- If you really can’t walk 3 blocks, then you should have asked to be dropped you off in front of the restaurant. (And in what universe is 3 blocks such a long way away?)
- If the wait was really so long, you should have asked for some bread or something to take the edge off your hunger.
- If you’re morbidly obese, then you should have asked for a table in the first place and avoided that second wait. And even if that was unavoidable, then you definitely should have asked for some bread already.
- Speaking of morbidly obese, unless you have other mobility issues, the fact that you can’t walk 3 blocks without difficulty is extremely worrisome. That’s less than a quarter of a mile. That’s a tangential issue here, but if your life is so severely constrained by fat, it’s no wonder your social skills are lacking.
Oh, I just love the smell of sexism in the morning. Does a father not have any responsibility for child care?
The idea that it’s only appropriate for a parent to give a child food from their plate is ridiculous anyway. I’m more than happy to share my food with my nieces and nephews. In fact, I rather enjoy it. They’re somewhat picky eaters and it’s good to see them trying a variety of things.
It is rude of your sister not to teach the kid that it’s rude to grab for other people’s food.
“You don’t grab other people’s food” and “you don’t touch someone else’s medicines” are two of the first rules of behavior my nephews learned; doing those things isn’t just impolite, it’s dangerous (the other person might be sick, or eating something the child can’t). I can’t even remember when I and my brothers and cousins learned those, but I suspect it was before we left our high chairs. Asking for food is ok - and comes with the accepted possibility that they will say no. Grabbing for it is not acceptable.
Missed that fact on first reading (and still had to hunt for it on second). Yeah, three is old enough to be learning table manners. Young enough to be making mistakes, which shoukd probably be gently corrected.
Agree totally and wholeheartedly. Also, it’s broccoli, FFS. If a developing child desires this healthy choice, I almost want to say it’s my civil duty to assist.
I’ve been there, where being extremely hungry made me unable to focus on anything else (including having acceptable manners) except filling myself up. At the time I weighed 335 pounds and took no exercise. Three blocks would have winded me as well, and I too could not fit in a lot of restaurant booths.
I know this isn’t why you wrote, OP, but all of these are serious danger signals, and they show what a low quality of life you seem to have. If you have any motivation at all, please seek help. Hell, just start walking every day; in two weeks you’ll be able to walk a mile with no problem, and you will find your appetite even out some and become a little more under control. It sounds like many of your relatives may be in the same boat as you; you could become a role model (including for the toddler).
Also, it sounded like your blood sugar might have been low. If you aren’t being tested for diabetes, I highly recommend doing so as soon as possible.
Good luck do you. I don’t think you were morally wrong to deny food to the toddler, but I think you could have found a nicer way to do it if you were able to focus on something besides your appetite.
I don’t think it’s rude to decline to give a child some of your veggies.
I think it’s very rude to snap “No, it’s MINE” in response to any simple request like that.
The rudeness wasn’t in declining (though I’d be inclined to call it selfish), it’s the snappish way you spoke to someone at the dinner table. I’m curious as to what your sister was upset about- the fact you said no, or the fact you were snappy to the child.
I’m confused. Moper says the kid is his cousin. So who’s the little girl’s parent? If she belonged to his sister, she’d be his niece, not his cousin.
Who are the parents of your cousins? The siblings of your parents. So your mom has a brother who is much younger than she is, and who has kids much younger than you.
Everyone assumed Madison’s mom is his sister in the OP, since she’s the one who helped Madison out and corrected the OP. Perhaps his sister isn’t mom.
Right. Why is everyone assuming Moper’s sister is Madison’s mom if the girl is his cousin? Unless Moper made a typo and actually meant to say niece?
I missed that but I guess I just assumed and it was a typo.
I think little Madison is blameless, because she is only three years old.
Moper and mom (?) share the rest of the blame for not taking the opportunity to teach Madison about manners and saying “please may I…” instead of grabbing, and for the weird “Angry bird” and gollumesque “MINE” reaction towards the kid.
Hopefully Moper will return and clarify a couple of things but that’s my take for now.
Save the Tumblr outrage. It was implied that the sister was the kid’s mom and at no point was a father mentioned to even be at the restaurant. The choice was between the uncle or the mother feeding the child, and in that case the mother has a greater responsibility to the child’s care and feeding.
Grimy, germ laden, kid hands in my food?? Oh hell no. But I would place a bite or two on her plate, and tsll her she needs to ask with her words and not grab.
Honestly, I think you and your sister acted like spoiled brats. There’s nothing wrong with not giving food to a kid who just reaches for it. However, you missed a great opportunity to teach the kid some manners (especially if your sister isn’t doing so).
The next time she does something like that, look at her say, “Hey, when we want something from someone, we don’t just reach out and grab it. If you want a piece of broccoli, you need to ask nicely and say please.” Then, and ONLY then, should you give her a piece. Or you could say, if you really don’t want to give her any, “Excuse me, but it’s rude to reach for food from people’s plates.” THEN after your sister snapped at you, instead of pouting, “MINE!” (who’s the three-year-old and who’s the adult?), you could have said, “If she wants some, she needs to ask first and say please.”
She’s three and she probably forgot. (Of course, if Mom is okay with letting her grab food off of people’s plates, she might not know this is rude).
The kid has an excuse. The rest of you don’t. (Although if you’re “scarfing down” a dish that’s meant for more than two people, AND still hungry enough for broccoli, sharing one measly little piece of broccoli won’t kill you.)
I don’t understand why the fettuccine Alfredo was covered in marinara sauce. Isn’t it rich enough with the cream sauce? And you were still hungry for broccoli after you ate two portions worth of the pasta dish?