Ruin Shakespeare

Thread Games
1

“To be or not to be”: that is the sentence fragment.

If music be the food of love, then why the hell am I still so hungry?

In my salad days, when I was eating vegan.

The fault, Eddie Murphy, lies not within the stars, but in our scripts.

What brick through yonder window breaks?

Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears at ten percent down and a fixed APR of 6.3 percent, subject to credit approval.

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? No.

First Witch: When shall we three meet again, In thunder, lightning, or in rain?
Second Witch: Let’s wait until the weather’s a little nicer.

Third Apparition: Macbeth shall never vanquish’d be, until Great Birnam wood to high Dunsinane hill Shall come against him.
Macbeth: Gee, thanks for spoiling the ending.

2

Et tu, Brute? So what? I et three!

3

By the pricking of my thumbs
Something infected this way comes.

4

Such tricks hath strong imagination,
That . . . in the night, imagining some fear,
How easy is a Muslim supposed a terrorist!

5

Actually the cauldron does not bubble at all. The cauldron is the pot. It is instead the liquid inside the pot that is doing the bubbling.

6

Now is the winter of our discontent, made glorious summer by the NFL playoffs.

7

O Romeo, Romeo, who names their kid Romeo?

8

Out, damn Spot, out! Stop peeing on the carpet!

9

The quality of mercy is about 8.5 out of 10.

10

Yond Kendall has a lean and hungry look. She barfs too much. Such girls are bulimic.

11

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You are hot and sticky. You make me want a cold drink or two. You bring out the pesky flies. You are lazy. You make me feel like I ought to go outside and do some yardwork though I am looking for any excuse to put that off. You breed storminess. Indeed you seem to be getting thundery right now. On second thought, thee are nothing like a summer’s day. Please don’t get mad. I am sorry.

…
Sigh.

12

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Nah.

Cowards die many times before their death, but their life insurance premiums are much cheaper.

Arise fair sun and strike the envious moon, like thou art Ike and the moon is Tina and she wilt not get herself upon the stage.

13

Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some go viral on YouTube.

14

I am in blood stepp’d so far that, should I wade no more, my suede loafers are still totally fucking ruined.

15

Lord, what tools these morals be.

16

Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow, and then maybe for a little while on Wednesday, but Tuesday and Thursday are totally out for me.

17

And gentlemen in England now abed
Shall be eating a Full English Breakfast.
And hold their manhoods…

“Hold their manhoods”? - Ooh, Matron…

18

And gentlemen in England now abed
shall roll right back to sleep and think to themselves
“what crashing bore going on again about that”
when any speaks that fought here on Crispin’s day.

19

Out out damn Spot… three years old and he’s still pissing on the tapestries!

We have heard the chimes at midnight, and we have lodged a complaint with the city.

20
  • Is this a dagger which I see before me,
    Why is it always left to me to carve the roast?*