**Guide To Reality ** by Shirley Ujest
( I send a copy of this out to all my younger cousins when they graduate and every year this gets longer and longer. It is always well received. My personal Commandents of Shirley are bold or italicized. And for long time dopers, you may see some of your sig lines cribbed here.)
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By the time you make ends meet, someone moves the ends.
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When your mind goes blank, remember to turn off the volume.
3.On Gardening:
Plant, and your spouse plants with you.
Weed and you weed alone.
4.You can’t build your reputation on what you are going to do. - Henry Ford
5.It is easier to beg for forgiveness than ask for permission.
6.Sometimes you have to lose a battle to Win the War.
7.Indecision is the key to flexibility.
8.He who knows he has enough is rich. - Chinese Proverb
9.Most people are willing to change, not because they see the light, but because they feel the heat.
- The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it is unfamiliar territory.
11.** The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men and women to do nothing. **
12.**Never make a threat you cannot carry out. **
13.One good thing about being wrong is the joy it brings to others.
- We may pass violets looking for Roses.
We may pass contentment looking for Victory.
-From a Chinese Fortune Cookie.
15.Freedom, after all, is simply being able to live with the consequences of your decisions. (this is my sig.)
16.If ignorance is bliss, then why aren’t more people orgasmic?
17.Love does not make the world go 'round.
Love is what makes the ride worthwhile.
18.The road to a successful relationship is always under construction.
19.Never pack more than you can carry.
20.Take half the clothing and twice the money.
21.Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite. Futhermore, always carry a small snake. - WC Fields.
22.I hear and I forget. I see and I forget. I do and I remember. -Confucius.
23.You’ll take a job just because the money is great…Once.
24.It is wrong always, everywhere, and for anyone, to believe anything upon insufficient evidence. - William Kingdon Clifford.
- Think ahead.
26.If something seems too good to be true, it probably is.
27.**Never be afraid to ask someone a question, but be damn sure you are willing and ready for the answer. You just may not like it. **
28.Eat less, move more.
- Before going out with a bunch of people to a bar/restaurant, make sure you have plenty of five’s, tens and singles in your wallet. If everyone has the usual twenties from the ATM machines, it’s a total pain to settle up the bill and somehow what was once a lovely evening loses it’s sparkle by haggling over the change and who pays/owes what. This is followed by. Always ask for separate checks.
30.Don’t buy knick knacks/souvenirs inside the amusement park first thing upon arrival: 1) You will have to carry it all day. 2) By the end of the day the impulse will have passed and 3) you can usually find it cheaper off Park Property. 3) Do you really need a sombrero the size of Rhode Island?
31.Nothing cures communism like a Big Mac. - P.J. O’Rourke.
32.** Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to help mom with the dishes. **
P.J. O’Rourke. (This is a perfect retort to hurl at the Save The Lemming Protesters or March for Gout Fund Raisers.)
33.After the blisters and the corns and the aching feet, you will discover you don’t give a rat’s butt on what others think of your feet as long as your tootsies are comfortable. The moral: Comfortable shoes are worth every penny.
34.Take snacks with you on long flights.
35.If you give noisy gifts to a friend’s child, expect to be paid back in spades.
36.When we focus on solving problems, we avoid placing blame.
37.You cannot lead someone to a positive change by doing something for them what they should be doing themselves.
38.The difference between a man and woman is that a man will pay ten dollars for a one dollar item he wants, and a woman will pay one dollar for a two dollar item she doesn’t need.
39.The price of greatness is responsibility. - Winston Churchill.
- Madness takes its toll on all of us, have exact change ready.
41.Nothing gives one person so much advantage over another as to remain always cool and unruffled under all circumstances. - Thomas Jefferson
- In order to get what you have never had, you must do what you’ve never done.
43.Give a man a fish,
He’ll eat for a day.
Give a man a remote,
And he’ll never speak again.
44.One cannot travel heavy, happy and cheap. Pick two.
45.Either the house looks good or I look good. It cannot be both.
46.Don’t subject family and friends to home videos unless they show an interest in them. And if they do show an interest in them, suspect their intelligence or they want to borrow something.
47.Understanding does not necessarily mean agreement.
48.Take a good look at your Mother and Father and Grandparents Bodies. Now look at your body and realize you will inherit this body. Learn to deal with it. ( In the end, we all wear elastic waist pants and velcro tennis shoes. It is inevitable.)
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There are two sides to every story.
Listen to both.
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If you haven’t heard from an old kind-of friend/class mate in a while, you can bet that they are calling to ask for something.
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The story is told of five men sitting around a potbellied stove, Arguing about which is the “right” religion - which offers the greatest assurance of salvation. It was a fruitless discussion because no one could agree. Finally, they turned to a wise old fellow
Who had been sitting in the corner, listening.
“Gentlemen, " began the man.” When the cotton is picked, there are several ways to get it to the gin. We can take it the Northern Route - it’s longer but the road is better. Or we can take it the Southern Route - which is shorter and full of chuckholes. Or we can go over the mountain,
even though it’s more perilous. When we reach the gin, though the man doesn’t ask which way we came. He simply asks, " Brother, how good is your cotton?" - Dale Turner, Grateful Living.
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You can pick your friends, your nose and your stocks.
You cannot pick your boss, your in-laws or your neighbors.
You can leave all of the latter three, but it will cost you.
55.** People ask you for your opinion,
Mainly not because they are interested
In your views, but to confirm their own.**
56. If you want to 1) liven up a conversation,
2) Start an argument, 3)learn about human nature,
or 4)or just never be invited back,
here is a list of Conversational Taboo’s to start
off with: Once you start the thing going, just sit back
watch how quick people are to get mad.
Religion Sex
Politics Diets
Gun Control Abortion pro/con
Then when things are getting heated, interrupt and
Tell everyone to switch sides.
- So the Universe is not quite as you thought it was.
You’d better rearrange your beliefs, then.
Because you certainly cannot rearrange the Universe.
- Isaac Asimov & Robert Silverberg in Nightfall.
58.*** I have learned more from my worst boss on how not to manage and treat coworkers, than from my best boss.***
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Change your thoughts and You change your world. -Norman Vincent Peale.
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What we are is God’s gift to us. What we become is our gift to God.- Eleanor Powell
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You can have it all. You just can’t have it all at once.
-Oprah
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If you had it all, just where would you put it?
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A father is a man who expect his children
to be as good as he meant to be.
64.Every now and then, go away, take a little relaxation,
because when you come back to your work, your judgement will
be surer. To remain constantly at work will cause
you to lose power of judgement. Go some distance away, because then the work appears smaller and more of it can be taken in at a glance, and lack of harmony or proportion is more readily seen.
-Leonardo da Vinci
65.* Avoid insecure people at all costs. They will suck you emotionally dry.*
(If you cannot avoid them because they are family/neighbors/best friends brother etc) Then take
the initiative in the conversation and become the “alpha wolf” and ALWAYS GIVE YOURSELF AN OUT so that you can leave after a set amount of time.)
66.You cannot change an insecure person. They have to
Want to change themselves.
67.
*The cycle of fashion -
10 years before its time: indecent
5 years before its time: shameless
1 year before its time: outre
At present: smart
1 year after its time; dowdy
10 years after its time: hideous
30 years after its time: amusing
50 years after its time: quaint
100 years after its time: romantic
- James Laver Taste & Fashion, 1945)*
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If you can’t be a good example, you’ll have to be a horrible warning.
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It is that they can’t see the solution. It is that they can’t see the problem. - GK Chesterton.
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The pen is mightier than the sword, but paper cuts hurt the most.
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Perfect paranoia is perfect awareness.
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Outside a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside a dog, it’s too dark to read.
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The darkest hour is only 60 minutes long.
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Success isn’t what you achieve, it is what you overcome. - Dave Watza ( my cousin)
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Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. - Oscar Wilde
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History must repeat itself because we paid such little attention to it the first time.
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It is easier to love humanity as a whole than love one’s neighbor. - Eric Hoffer
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**Having children makes you no more a parent than having a piano makes you a pianist. **
79.** Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction.** - Antoine De Sainte Expey
80.** You are only a victim once, after that, you’re just volunteering **. - Naomi Judd
- I use to think the world was against me. Now I know better. Some of the smaller countries are neutral.
82.** There is only one basic right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic duty, the duty to take the consequences.** - PJ O’Rourke.
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The early bird gets the worm, but it’s the second mouse that gets the cheese.
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I’m living so far beyond my income, that we almost be said to be living apart. - e.e. cummings.
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Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake. - Napoleon.
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The difference between “involvement” and “commitment” is like eggs and ham breakfast: the chicken was involved, the ham was committed.
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I am not a vegetarian because I like animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate vegetables.
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The trouble with his ignorance is it covers so many subjects.
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Idiocy: Never underestimate the power of stupid people is large groups.
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I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
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**When it is important to you you will find the time to do it. **
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It must be that since light travels faster than sound that some people appear bright until they speak.
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When your mind goes blank, remember to turn off the volume.
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Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. - Groucho
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I would never join a club that would accept someone like me as a member - Groucho
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Those are my principles. If you don’t like them, I have others. - Groucho
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You can’t stay mad at someone who makes you laugh.
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No where is it written that life must be taken seriously.
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No where is it written that life is one big joke.
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Life is full of a lot of contradictions.
(The numbering is screwed up because I am an idiot.)
