…this one made me cry.
I don’t get it, at what point does he say he’s a closeted homosexual? Does a closeted homosexual have to choose at 12? What the fuck is this article saying. It is basically pigeon holing an effeminate man as gay. He can’t be bi? He can’t be straight with effeminate qualities? The kid is in 6th grade.
That entire issue was amazing. “American Life Turns Into Bad Jerry Bruckheimer Movie”, “U.S. Vows To Defeat Whoever It Is We’re At War With” and my favorite “God Angrily Clarifies ‘Don’t Kill’ Rule”:
[QUOTE=God]
“I tried to put it in the simplest possible terms for you people, so you’d get it straight, because I thought it was pretty important,” said God, called Yahweh and Allah respectively in the Judaic and Muslim traditions. “I guess I figured I’d left no real room for confusion after putting it in a four-word sentence with one-syllable words, on the tablets I gave to Moses. How much more clear can I get?”
[/QUOTE]
I was masturbating at 12, fantasizing about girls, and assume a gay 12 year old was masturbating fantasizing about boys.
While, it may be good to assume that, the rest of the “normal” 12 year old boys are fucking cans of chili, blocks of butter and an occasional melon, getting their rocks off with anything possible.
While, in theory, I don’t disagree with you. Due to the article, he is now pigeon holed as a homosexual at the age of 12. I don’t necessarily agree with this.
Am I being whooshed? It’s an article on the Onion, no one has been pigeon holed.
Literally Unbelievable is over there, sitchensis.
brain dead teen :rolleyes:
i don’t follow the Onion, but reactions to their articles are comedy gold.
This one is pretty poignant. It could apply to any one of us, if you think about it.
Wait, what?
Yeah, what’s this about chili?
But regardless, I definitely knew my sexuality at age 12. Actually, that’s when I had my first instance of head-over-heels puppy love. I still remember those blue eyes…
That article is very sad. All of us outsiders can relate, though I never had it as bad as a gay kid might.
I lived in a small town, and they made us town kids walk home for lunch every day - I never realized how good I had it. 
First off, sitchensis, as everybody has already pointed out, the article is a work of fiction. It’s in a parody newspaper and it’s not about a real kid. And the whole point of the article is that the kid is being made fun of because everybody else thinks he’s gay, not because he’s actually gay.
BUT WHAT IS GOING ON WITH THE CHILI?
This is important.
I’m afraid to google it. 
I’ve heard of watermelons, and I’ve heard of pie, both from movies. I don’t doubt that a teenage boy will fuck anything, but chili???
Maybe Chili Bouchier: Chili Bouchier
I’ll give you both those girls, but he did clearly say “cans of chili”.
sometimes the apple pie doesn’t cool off fast enough.