Sages: Gameshow

[Ribo]

Sages: Gameshow

2. did you see any of their game shows over there?

3. oh man! I saw one, and that was enough. Seriously crossed a line. I watched it on the 4th of September, and I haven’t watched TV since.

4. What was it?

5. I don’t want to talk about it.

(pause.)

2. No but seriously, what was it?

3. Kind of a cross between jenny Jones and Fear factor. Ugly people wrote in to ask for a makeover. They all had their sad stories- one of them had been in a mineshaft accident. Another was a rotten looking toothless old hag. Her child was being bullied at school because his mam was so fat. That sort of thing. So these misshapen brutes each got a five minuet montage exploring the nuances of their respective uglies.

4. Yeah, that’s pretty bad.

5. No, that’s light entertainment. Pretty bad is watching the winner’s prize. This is that abortively ugly hag-

6. The chick with the kid?

7. Yeah, her. There was a 10 minuet montage of her makeover. Surgical.

8. Fuck!

9. Yeah. Lipo suction her stomach, thighs, arms, ass …all over. Collagen in the lips, boe-tox in the forehead, acid on the skin, silicone into her nose and along her cheekbones, and of course, enormous breast augmentation.

10. Of course.

11. She had her legs lengthened. She had her jaw broken, and her eyelids were cut to look more western.

12. How did they lengthen her legs?

13. They broke them at the shin, and did something, I dunno. They were in braces and it showed her during rehab. With a big bee-gees smile- extensive dental work.

14. So, how did she look?

15. Well… hot. Sort of. They had a big reunion with her nine year old son. He’s on stage, looking confused in one of those big chairs. In comes his mam, looking like a wet dream in a slinky leopard dress. He has no fucking idea who this woman is. He keeps looking around asking ‘where’s mam?’ She’s beaming ‘Its me honey,’ tears streaming down her tightly stretched face. And he was like, ‘yeah, but seriously, where’s MY mam?’

16. That’s seriously wrong.

17. No, that’s just pretty bad. Seriously wrong is the fear factor bit. I don’t want to talk about it.
    (pause)

18. No but serious-

19. Fetuses. Ok? they had to eat fetuses.

20. Fuck off.

21. I fucking swear. After two rounds of scary but entertaining challenges- bungee jumping naked or something- they brought out a tray. Shriveled bloody little things, like veiny raw chicken. Two of the contestants started throwing up on the spot. One of them stared at them for a few seconds shaking his head, then turned and screamed something at the presenter.

22. What did he yell?

23. Dunno. They bleeped it out. He shoved him anyway. The presenter fell over and started scrambling backwards, and your man just stormed out of the studio. So there were only two left. And they just stared at each other. The presenter was trying to make it fun, but it was weird- like he only realized just then how far they’d gone. The audience was pretty quiet too.

(Pause)

2. And…?

3. And what?

4. Did they?

5. …

6. Yeah.

7. No way!

8. The other ugly chick, a hunchback, started storming up and down the room, breathing really deeply. Then she just picked one up and put it in her mouth. She turned to face the hag and closed her teeth together, screaming. But she threw up immediately so it didn’t count. She collapsed. They had to carry her out.
   The hag had been silent since the beginning. She picked one up, folded it in a napkin, and put it in her mouth. She took a long drink of water, closed her eyes and swallowed. She was allowed to use a drink because she had no teeth. Everyone was quiet. Her eyes were closed. Her moley skin was white. Beads of sweat started pouring down her face. Soon she was soaked in sweat. Her forehead was bunched together. I’ve never seen someone concentrate so hard. Then she started to smile. The audience began to applaud. Slowly at first. Then she opened her eyes and they started to cheer. She raised her arms in victory. They went nuts.