SAHM: Did you? Would you? Regrets?

In My Humble Opinion
21

I firmly believe that every individual should be respected for choosing her own path. In 1987 I chose to stay at home with my first child, which was an extremely unpopular choice among my peers. Somehow I internalized their contempt for me, and felt that I had to defend my choice. It takes courage and strength to do what you believe is the right thing.

Children vary in temperament as do parents, and in my case I found myself at the limit of my tolerance for stress, managing a household and family conscientiously. I did work part-time for a few years, but gratefully abandoned it when my second child was born, six years after the first.

I could have made a fortune if I’d accepted offers to program Y2K COBOL fulltime, but I believed I would have not been the mother my children deserved.

A SAHM must accept that there will likely not be praise, advancement, tangible signs of appreciation that working people are accustomed to. She might become obsolete in her field as time passes, gather no retirement fund, become dependent upon a spouse for support.

Speaking from experience, I can offer these cautions. You can become isolated if your peers work during the day. Others may believe that you no longer have intelligence, may discount your skills and talents. Be very sure that you have a safety net, if not a network of supportive friends in similar circumstances. Divorce can rock your world if you’re a SAHM. To a SAHM, an empty nest becomes a catalyst for reinventing oneself, pretty much from scratch - exciting, challenging, difficult, often discouraging.

Last month my daughter moved away to college. I’m thrilled and excited for her. The same week my son, 12, moved in with his father - something I hadn’t expected but which is a good thing, if not an easy thing. I find myself with an empty nest years sooner than I had expected.

I do not regret my choice. I gave my children all I had to give - myself, for better or for worse.

22

Poysn great poem! Seems to me you’d be successful as a writer.

Mighty_Girl it sounds like you made the right choice for you. Screw those who think otherwise. You have it together a whole lot better than most people imo.

Bolding mine.

Seems to me those women ought to be grateful there’s somebody like you to do all that stuff. I cringe at the thought of having to organize class parties and such. The bolding part is because I sincerely hope that no one who has called you lazy, a slob, or a gold digger has taken it upon themselves to ask you to babysit. I know it sounds mean, but if I were you and that had happened, ain’t no way I’d ever babysit for them.

I know several SAHPs. I use that term because while most are women, some are men. I admire them for all they do to make life better for their families.

23

I don’t plan to be a SAHM, but I believe that being a SAHM and being a working mom are both equally valid choices. I think being a stay-at-home dad is also just as valid a choice for men as being a SAHM is for women.

But for me, I don’t think being a SAHM would work. I have many skills, but housecleaning is not among them. I’m also pretty sure that, if I were at home all day, I’d end up watching TV or playing computer games all day if I didn’t have to go out and go to work. So I think staying at home would definitely be the wrong choice for me, but it certainly is the right choice for some people.

I think a lot of the vitriol aimed at SAHMs comes as a result of those who say it’s better to be a SAHM than a working mom. Those of us who wouldn’t make good SAHMs, or who don’t want to be SAHMs, don’t like having our lifestyle criticized any more than SAHMs do.

24

I was a SAHM for about 6 years–they were overall good years–for the kids. I think I suffered from minor depression, looking back. I do know that I was not intellectually challenged in any way during those years and that I became quite inward focused–inward that is, in my own little Lil’ Tykes world. Issues at pre-school or baby not sleeping were HUGE deals to me. And perhaps they should have been. Dunno.

I HAD to to go back to work quite suddenly when my youngest was not quite 3.

I chose to go back part time–and I insisted upon PT. I work 2 12 hour shifts per week. I would vastly prefer 3 8 hour shifts, but 12s are pretty much industry standard around here. It took us longer to dig out of the hole we were in, but I think I did the right thing.

It’s damned hard–especially the 12 hour part–I don’t get home until after 8 pm the days I work–too late for the band concerts/games/bedtime story time etc.

but it’s the best I can do right now. Once youngest is a bit older, I can look at going back to school and getting out from under acute care nursing (I want to be a librarian).

At the risk of starting a donnybrook, I want to say this about SOME SAHMs I know.

Some of these women have too much time on their hands. Once I went back to work (even PT), I realized how narrow the SAHM world CAN BECOME. I am not saying this is true of all SAHMs.

I live in a fairly affluent area where SAHM is the norm (I’d say over 80%). They are a wonderful asset to the schools and the community–churches, synagouges etc.

BUT.

It was only after I went to work that I realized what prioriites truly are–that goldenrod vs marigold napkins for feeding the homeless, or mums vs autumn leaf arrangements for the luncheon are NOT crucial issues that could ruin your day if not settled satisfactorily. I never had much patience with the “don’t get your playclothes dirty” type of moms, anyway, so perhaps I am painting with too broad a brush here.

The moms I know who do the above re the napkins etc have school age children, and even some in high school. They have not worked for over 10-12 years outside the home. I know one (a former lawyer) who says that she can no longer do her family’s legal stuff because she has lost her skills. That, to me, is ridiculous–but she is one person.

By no means am I saying that the moms who work outside the home have it all together. Some of them obsess over stuff they may be missing as well --or overcompensate for their work by controlling what aspects of their kid’s lives that they can. But I see alot of SAHMs who fret over their kid’s art projects or their hair or their fill in the blank. Maybe they would do this even when working- I don’t know.

All I know is that once I went back to work, I shed alot of the anxieties over my kid’s performance/grades/social connections etc. That doesn’t mean I don’t attend to those matters, it means that my self worth is no longer tied to them.

So, although I recommend that each woman do what she feels is best (if able to have the option), I have to lean towards the work at something that is just for you and have your own money school.
Does that make sense?

25

I’m sympathetic to your position, and clearly you’re enjoying working again.

But OTOH that’s the thing I like about being a SAHM–it is all up to me how I use my brain. I’m free to find my own intellectual challenges. No, they don’t show up on my doorstep, and it is easy to fall into a narrow view. But it’s not hard to go out and find them, either; and I think working people can also easily fall into a narrow view. Maybe variety is the important thing, so you see things from different POVs.

At this point, I have a lot to do. I can’t say that I’m much good at obsessing over napkins (getting them on the table is accomplishment enough!). I am a librarian, actually, and I do work at the library a little bit, which is pretty nice. A lot of what I do for them is more because they need me to than because I really want to do it, but it’s nice to keep my hand in for the future. (Hey, it’s entirely possible to go to library school in the evenings–these days the programs are often designed to accomodate older, working people. When you get a little more time, it might be easier than you realize.)

I do understand what you mean about becoming too focused on tiny things; I just think it’s possible to avoid–although in many ways our society actively encourages SAHMs (or maybe all women) to fall into that trap.

26

I agree–and it can be a trap to fall into that pattern. It is also one of the aspects of SAHM-ness that gets contempt heaped upon it(not altogether undeservedly so).

I guess I just look at the SAHMs I know–who were friends of mine–and how they never call me anymore. Now, one can argue that I could call them–and I did, at first. But it gets old to always be the one who initiates things. Turns out I was most likely a friend of convenience to them–and that’s ok.

I do still belong to the book club that I founded with these women. NO accomodation is made for scheduling around my work schedule, despite my asking for it. But tennis lessons for other members are worked around, as are nights out with hubby(if it’s an evening meeting). In other words, I am not a part of their world any longer, and as such, don’t figure in the equation at all.

That sounds bitter, but it’s not meant to. I do have other friends who have kept in touch. But they are people who have always had a larger view of the world, no matter their personal circs.

I agree with you re finding your own source of stimulus–I found NPR when my older two were small (we weren’t on the internet then). If I had had the Web back then–I KNOW I would have been better off psychologically.

So, like the rest of life, SAHM or working mom–it’s all what you make it, in the end.
:slight_smile:

27

Exactly. I’m not even pregnant yet, although we’re trying, but I’m already feeling the heat about being a SAHM. I don’t want to be a SAHM for several reasons - I know I wouldn’t be good at it, and we would be pinching major pennies if I was, and I’d rather have a cushion than pinch pennies. I need to be up and going to be self-motivated - perhaps some people can do it, but I won’t be able to do so.

Plus, I suck at cleaning house. Big time. I’m a good cook, but I can’t imagine I’d cook much with a little one underfoot.

We’ll reevaluate after we have one child, but I don’t see myself being a SAHM anytime soon. I like my work at a non-profit and I’m happy going out to work. Perhaps if we hit the lottery, I can still do fundraising and stay home.

E.

28

Careful. Some of us know you.

:smiley:

29

Thanks, I certainly believe that I have my feces together, opinions to the contrary notwithstanding.

That what pisses me off. Some of the people who have criticized me (or looked at me funny) for making this choice are the ones that expect me to drop whatever I am doing (or not doing according to them) and do them all kinds of favor. You know, because I quit my job to serve them. :rolleyes:

30

I’m not sure why “being a bad housekeeper” is a reason to not stay home. (“It won’t work for me” is perfectly good.) But it seems to me that housecleaning needs to get done even in families with two working parents, and the skills aren’t hard to learn. Applying the skills regularly, that’s hard! :stuck_out_tongue: If kids aren’t home all day, the house doesn’t get as messy, but everyone needs to clean house. And people who aren’t good at it can be SAHMs–heaven knows I’m not a great housekeeper, not when there is so much other stuff to do.

If you don’t want to stay home, well and good, but why say “I’m bad at cleaning house” as if that’s a reason?

31

Oh, and pinching pennies is another skill I haven’t got.

If you’ve got any amusing stories about your suckitude at cleaning house, you should post them in this thread.

We have someone come in every two weeks to do it. We’re both the type that will live in a messy house and don’t care enough to get motivated to clean it- Mr. Neville’s apartment was literally knee-deep in stuff when we moved him out of it. It’s been very well demonstrated that both me and Mr. Neville will let housecleaning go for way too long if we have to do it ourselves, so having someone come in and do it is a necessity for us. So I need to work and make at least enough money to pay someone to clean for us, so I feel like I’m pulling my weight at least somewhat.

32

Because I’m really, really bad at it, and if I’m working, we’ll be able to afford a cleaning crew?:smiley:

Let’s put it this way - my floor got mopped for the first time in awhile yesterday - I’m calling a cleaning service this week 'cause I don’t ever want to see that amount of dirt on a Swiffer pad again.

I think I’m applying my own situation to working from home, which I did for about six months this year - my house was STILL a wreck, and I was home all day (granted, I was working my butt off, but even so - I had time to clean). I’m just bad at it. If I were staying home, we wouldn’t have the money for a cleaning service and the house would be a wreck.

I think deep down I just know that I would suck at being a SAHM - but I already see my sister-in-law and my cousin’s wife, both of whom just had or are about to have their first child, getting grief from people about not being a SAHM, and I see them trying to give their reasons (they’d like to be able to pay the electric bill and grocery bills?), but that reasoning is just being pushed aside by certain people because quite obviously, they are making a horrible choice. :rolleyes:

E.

33

Heh - I’ll have to come play in that thread. I should’ve taken a picture of the Swiffer pad yesterday. Actually, we used two because the first one was disgusting.

E.

34

And since when have any of you heard me tell jokes about poop? Sh*t, maybe, but not poop! :stuck_out_tongue:

35

Oh yeah, the Swiffer. That’s that thing I drag out and run in the kitchen when the floor gets to pull-your-socks-off levels of stickiness :smiley:

36

I think that being a SAHM is a job like any other, and housecleaning is part of the job description. There are a lot of other jobs I wouldn’t take because I’m really bad at something that’s required for the job.

Poop jokes I can do (though I think the word poo is funnier). Hmm, maybe I could be a SAHM under some sort of time-sharing arrangement- I deal with the poo jokes with their kids, they clean house for me. :smiley: And they’d have to do the crafts projects with my kids- that’s another thing SAHMs do that I’m really bad at.

37

Not really. I am not a maid. I had somebody else do my cleaning and laundry before I quit my job and I do now. Cooking? Yeah, that I love, not so much the rest.

38

No, I disagree. Keeping the house reasonably clean is part of the job of a parent, unless you want CPS after you. Any parent has to make sure the house is fit for children to live in, and even single guys with no standards have to change their sheets every so often.

SAHMs often take on the bulk of the housework because they’re on the spot and work for free, and then they can relax when their husbands are home instead of doing the work then. But there is no rule that says I have to do all the housework, and I don’t. Working moms frequently do most of the work themselves, too; the house has to function and usually it’s Mom that makes it work, fair or not.

There is no reason a SAHM cannot hire a housecleaner if it’s within the budget. (Homeschoolers with a lot of children are very prone to this, since homeschooling is a lot like having a job; I’ve been tempted myself.) Many working couples can’t afford that, and they still have to clean the house.

39

I actually realized when my husband mopped the floor while I was gone once that it had gotten really, really bad.

My problem is that I’m the one who makes more money in our family, so if I weren’t working, we’d be scraping the bottom of the barrel. No way could we afford a housecleaner. Even now, I want to get the house somewhat in shape before I have someone come in every couple of weeks to clean - I’m embarrassed to have someone see the shape it’s in right now. With luck, our financial situation will change in the next couple of years, but for now, it’s not going to change.

But the long and short of it is that I tried being home (working, but being at home) for six months and it was a miserable failure - and that was WITHOUT kids. I have a hard time getting myself motivated, and I don’t think I’d want to do that to a child.

If I thought I could be a SAHM, we’d be finding some way to do it. But I’m about 99.9% sure that it’s not a healthy option for me or any of our future kids. It doesn’t mean I think everyone should go out and work - just that it won’t be right for us.

ElzaHub, on the other hand, would be awesome at it, and has expressed an interest in doing it if we can afford it at some point in the future. So if I’m ever making enough to support all of us, I’ll gladly step aside for him to stay home with the kids.

E.

40

I have a friend that makes considerably more than her hubby. She took the first 6 months, he is taking the second six months as paternity leave.

Works for them :slight_smile: