SAHM: Did you? Would you? Regrets?

In My Humble Opinion
41

I was a SAHM for about 7 years. Don’t regret it at all. Those were lean days, but I bonded with my children in ways that I doubt I’d have been able to had I worked.
My children were worth the sacrifices we made.

I did keep up my computer skills by volunteering to do the neighborhood newsletter and website. Also eventually got a few part-time paying jobs out of the home (I did A/R, A/P for an accountant, etc.) for something to put on my resume for when I did return to the workforce.

Here’s the real downside to being a SAHM, IMO. The longer you are away from the workforce, the more vulnerable you become as a woman. Realistically 50% of marriages end in divorce. Those aren’t great odds. If you have ANY doubt as to the stability of your marriage, you really should protect yourself against sudden life changes. Don’t sever connections at work; keep in touch with your old co-workers. And keep up your job skills. You don’t ever want to be in a position where you cannot support yourself and your kids, should the unthinkable happen.

42

IANAP, but I have alot of respect for SAHP’s. The women I have no respect for are the women who return to work, park their kids with a sitter or in daycare, and expect everyone at work to bend over backwards for them and let them be months if not years behind on projects because they have kids. They’re the ones who expect you to work a 12 hour day with no warning because their kids have soccer and they failed to plan ahead and you don’t have kids so obviously you wouldn’t mind, would you? I mean, single people without kids don’t have to eat dinner or anything, do they? They don’t need to feed their cat. Then they spend a majority of the time they are actually at their desk “working” arranging play dates and soccer carpools and birthday parties.
The reality is that women cannot be the Perfect Mother ™ and the Perfect Career Woman ™ all at the same time. Each woman must decide for herself what level of involvement as a mother and a career woman is right for her. Women who insist otherwise are an embarassment to womankind. By choosing to stay at home and invest in your child(ren)'s upbringing, you are doing your part to raise a responsible, well-formed generation to support us in our retirement years. For that, I thank you.

and I’m jealous of all your spare time to recline in a chase lounge and eat bon-bons and have passionate affairs with the sexy-hot plumber, 'cause, like, that’s what happens on TV :smiley:

43

Regarding housecleaning and other drudgework…It really does pay to be organized and have discipline or at least a loose schedule. This was a learned skill for me.

I suppose one could SAHM without a schedule and a plan, but I couldn’t. I have a schedule that I adhere to (mostly) about housework and stuff which ensures I have the free time to do the things I need/want to do (thus ensuring my sanity- everybody wins!).

It took me quite a while to work the bugs out, but now things go pretty well.

Plus my place is ‘kid central’. I’ve had as many as 10 kids from ages 6-11 (more commonly 4-5) in my house at once with Just Me to supervise. There’s nothing quite like having a break-out game of hide-and-seek and finding some poor kid buried under the dirty underwear in the laundry chute.

44

I’m not a parent (thank god), but I think a lot of the ‘vitriol’ towards nonworking mothers is twofold. For one, it’s simply perpetuating a stereotype that women must stay at home and look after the kids and be the dutiful housewife: cooking, cleaning, and so on. More mothers staying home makes it that much easier for people to say that it’s expected of women to give up their careers once they pop out a kid or two.

I’m fairly certain I’m going to get flamed for my next point, so let me clarify that I’m talking about stay at home mothers who simply do child-raising and housework stuff, not people like the OP who work from home. Those in the first category, who aren’t employed, aren’t really being productive members of society. Sure, they’re taking care of kids, but there’s a veritable plethora of child-care options in the form of people who’s career it is to take care of kids. That’s what they do, and a number of them have gone to school to do so. They’re not being productive if they’re not working, mom’s not being productive if she spends her days spooning crushed peaches into Juniors mouth…there’s a simple solution.

That said, I do have respect for SAHMs. My mother didn’t really work when my sister and I were growing up - she taught a few nusery school classes and later worked as a substitute teacher (k-12). It was nice, and I can see that it takes a lot of effort, and I respect those who do it becuase they think it’s best for their kids. I don’t think it nessecarily is the best for a kid, but I’m not saying it’s strictly a bad thing.

45

So that I will not write a vitriolic screed, I will now take an hour or two off. So I’m not productive, is that it? :dubious:

46

Hoooboy, have you asked for it.

Raising a child IS one of the most important jobs there is. Sure, there are child care options. Good ones are hard to find. Really. And they are expensive. Note: I am not putting down anyone who choses to work for money instead of working at home with her children. But being at home and actively involved in your child’s upbringing, being there when she needs you, is the ideal if you can do so. Yes, not everyone can, for a variety of reasons. But don’t EVER, EVER, EVER say a mother at home is not working. Trust me. She’s working. Quite possibly harder than a person at many other jobs. I know I was often working a lot more when I was at home with my children than when I was employed. My family was NEVER allowed to refer to a mother home with her children as “not working.” Not working for money, maybe. But definitely working.

Not productive? Being responsible for the founding of the morals, attitudes and nurturing of the next generation is not productive? Cheese and crackers, girl, what are you thinking? This is not The Pit, so I better stop right now.

47

I thank heavens my mother was not a SAHM. She worked part-time, I believe, until I was 4 and my brother was 2. Her emotional attachment to us as it is verges on unhealthy, and I can only imagine how much harder it would have been on all of us if she stayed home as well. Also, she’s a fantastic role model. Maybe this isn’t the most sensitive thing to say, but I don’t think I would have been able to have the same confidence and goals as a female if my mother hadn’t been able to acheive her academic and career goals.

I think, ideally, if I had children I would take a year sabbatical/mat leave (as I’d be working in academia, again ideally). I’d be able to get some of my own stuff done at home. But I don’t think I’d take more than a year off for each kid. If my boyfriend’s job at the time was not a financial necessity and was not fulfilling for him (as might be the case if in some wacky alternate universe we were having kids now) I’d absolutely support him if he wanted to stay home on a more permanent basis. He’d be a way better SAHP than I would be.

48

I have never been busier than when I am at home. When I was at work I got breaks and time off when needed, here - I am happy when I don’t have to mop up juice while answering the phone while dinner boils on the stove.

I work hard. VERY HARD. I am going to back work part-time (going back into the army) and hopefully start my own business in the meantime. The army is only to get me out of the house (all day at home with baby and no break has a way of pulling my patience a wee little bit tight). I am especially grateful now that Darby has been diagnosed with JRA. I can be at home whenever she needs me. I get compliments whenever I am out about her manners, how big and healthy she is, how strong, how fearless and her articulate speech. I like to think that she is so comfortable with the fact I will always be there that she is able to be more independant and try things out on her own. We are active members at the Y and often go swimming there.

When I did work she had the best care - I was so careful and lucky, she has an unbelievable caregiver that is second to none (except myabe mom)

My mom was a SAHM for most of my young years, and then worked with my Dad’s company for a few years. I loved coming home to someone and the time before I was old enough to start school with her was wonderful.

That said, I have never judged anyone for working either, you need to find what works for you, the real shame is when someone is forced into a decision (either way) and resents it. I will never forget my sister calling me in tears because she had to go back to work after her last mat leave ended (she is the main breadwinner). I felt so badly for her, and could do nothing to help.

It’s heartbreaking to me that all parents don’t have the choice.

49

On the other hand, it’s also advancing the idea of choice for women, who can choose to stay at home, work part-time in or outside the home, or work full-time in or outside the home. All are valid choices, deserving of respect.

No flaming here, but polite disagreement. “Simply… child-raising and housework stuff” is misleading, as there’s nothing simple about it. Child-raising is a complex and challenging task, and a 24/7 job, regardless of where you do your work or what you do. Many women consider raising their children to be their career, and I see nothing wrong with that. Somebody has to raise them, so why not the woman who gave birth to them, if that’s what works for the family?

Moms (ok, all parents, I should say, but that’s not what we’re discussing here) are productive, whether they work full-time outside the home or not. Child-raising is a necessity in society, no matter who does it. It doesn’t become more valuable or more “productive” when someone gets paid to do so. (Housework is a necessity, no matter if one is a single adult, a childless couple, or a family of 8.)

That said, I’ve been on both sides of this SAHM/WOHM conundrum. I went back to my (now-former) job when my oldest was 6 weeks, and I quit when he was 8 months. I didn’t want to miss my baby’s babyhood, and I felt like I was (plus I hated my job, wasn’t on a career path, etc.) I stayed home with him, and it was alternately frustrating and wonderful. I stayed home until my second baby was 6 months, and went back to work full-time, in a demanding career.

After trying both ways, I’ve found that it takes a fair amount of self-motivation to be a SAHM. But parenting itself requires a great deal of motivation (“Oh, God, the kid’s crying/wet/hungry/vomiting again, and I’ve already been up four times tonight… grumble…” haul self out of bed and down the hall…). It also takes some motivation to haul ass out of bed in the morning to go to my office. Most of the time, I find it more rewarding to change a soggy baby and feed him cereal while I hand off peanut-butter-toast to the older one. At least I get smiles and coos and sticky hugs for that.

Then some days, I find it a relief to get the hell out of the house and go to my quiet office, where I can be all efficient and organized and in control. And, thankfully, I don’t get sticky hugs for that. :wink: I can control the flow of my day, more or less, and have grown-up conversation with adults.

My point, since it’s buried in all that, is that neither way is easier or more right. Everyone just has to find the balance that works for the family.

50

Okay you guys (Elza B, for example) who think that being a SAHM = doing housework - YOU DON’T GET IT. Not by a mile.

That’s okay, it would be nearly impossible for anyone who hasn’t been a SAHM to know what it’s like. Housework has nothing to do with being a SAHM.

It’s getting a little easier for me now that my kids are close to 2 years old, but for the first year I rarely had time to DO ANY housework. Cooking? Laundry? Dribs and drabs at best. Who cares if I’m dirty, it’s not like I ever went anywhere. Dishes? Constantly, no choice - I bottle fed (so sue me). Taking out the trash - constantly, no choice.

There’s no way to really understand this until you go through it, but babies are DEMANDING. All day - and ALL NIGHT. You think you know sleep deprivation b/c you crammed for finals? No.

Try this - set an alarm for 45 minutes and every time it goes off, sit still 20 minutes {to simulate feeding}. Do this all day. Do this all night. That’s a newborn.

After a couple of weeks, change it to 90 minutes. But it still goes off all day. All night. How working mothers survive this is beyond me.

Then there’s bathing, changing 10 diapers/day, changing clothes when they spit up, taking them to the doctor for well-baby checks every few weeks, and entertaining well meaning visitors. Oh, and if you have any sort of conscience, you cuddle and play with your baby during those brief periods when they’re awake and trying to learn to focus their eyes. BTW, you’re trying to focus your eyes as well, since it’s been weeks since you got a decent night’s sleep (and there are years to go before that changes).

After about a year your children (I have twins, thus the plurality) become toddlers. Whole new ballgame. Toddlers need lots of attention and direction, plus they’re fun, and they need help exploring.

There is no “oh, I think I’ll play on the computer today” temptation to fight off. It’s not an option. Sure, I do get on the Internet when I can, but again, it’s dribs and drabs that I sneak in when the kids are distracted. And feel guilty about, b/c I could be with them, only I require adult company in order to maintain my chipper mood. Getting together while my children are with me doesn’t really count as adult company, because we’re rarely able to complete a sentence, much less a thought. “How are (Zoe, please put that down sweetie) you (Bryce, does your boo boo need a kiss?) doing today?”

I have seen 2 movies in the past 2 years. Haven’t read any novels. But I’m absorbing childcare info and mothering stories like a sponge, I’m practically a grad student. Because realizing you’re responsible for a REAL LIVE HUMAN BEING is the most profound, frightening, exciting experience in the world. So you bet your ass I’m doing my research.

I could go on…and on…but my Hubby’s giving the kids a bath so I can take a shower (yay! it’s been a few days, I’m due!). Tomorrow I’m taking the kids to the zoo - we LOVE field trips, do them all the time, I think it’s part of being a good mommy, and it helps me keep my perky disposition.

Housework? snort Yeah, right.

51

I learned I was pregnant the day before my graduation with my master’s degree (FTR, all funded, no loans to worry about). That same day, I was awarded a prize for my grad work. Let me tell you, people expected me to go to work in my field and were shocked and judgmental that I didn’t. According to them, I was wasting my intelligence and throwing away my education. I worked in a temp position until my daughter was born, and now I’m at home. It’s going to be hard for me to get back into my field when I decide to go back to work (I’ll probably try to start when my daughter starts kindergarten). My hope is to network with other women in my field who understand the difficult choices involved in raising a family, but still I may have to change my focus a bit. Maybe I won’t have the career I imagined I would, but neither do many of my friends who don’t have kids.
And, btw, it is beyond me how anyone could think that helping a helpless infant turn into a moral, well-adjusted, independent adult is not productive.

52

If my wife made enough money to support us, I’d quit my job to be a stay-at-home Dad so fast your head would spin.

53

Hm. So I should go out and get a job, just so that clueless people will think correctly? What do I care what people think? I’m more concerned about living my own life the way I want to, thanks. As Miss Gypsy pointed out, it’s about choice, not about everyone being the same.

Simply? Hm. Why don’t you try it for a week, and then see if you think it’s simple. You’re in college, right? I enjoyed college a lot. It was pretty simple compared to my life now, though (which I also enjoy a lot). As a few people have taken pains to state, being a SAHM is really not about housework. Really. It’s not. I do like it that I can take care of most of the house-running things (including finances, cars, maintenance stuff, school, family scheduling, etc.) so that we have some spare time together to relax in, but housework is a very small part of all that I do.

You seem to equate “productive” with “earning a wage.” Why is that? It seems to me that there are many ways to contribute to society without being paid for it. Volunteer work, for example. Or, raising your children to be helpful, moral people who do their part to make the world better. I’ve worked for a wage before, and I will again, but right now my production doesn’t earn cash. Instead, I raise my children, and incidentally produce food, health care, a clean home, and a lot of handmade quilts for far less than retail.

Are all paid jobs by definition productive (and therefore better for society) because they circulate money? Is an advertising executive for a tobacco company more productive than I am, because she earns money? How’bout the owner of a sweatshop, something like that?

You do know that there’s a shortage of child-care workers in the US, and that daycare institutions are frequently less-than-ideal, right? Daycare workers are chronically underpaid and there’s a lot of turnover. The vast majority of working parents can’t afford the best child care. And I’m supposed to put my kid in the system so it gets tighter, when I don’t even want to?

Once a person has kids, doing it well becomes pretty much the most important thing he or she can do. Working or not, mom or dad. Parenthood is the toughest job around, and if I want to devote myself to it full-time, that’s my choice.

54

To further the point that fessie made in the last page this is from an email I sent to my husband last week:

Some times I have been almost certain that I was about to lose my sanity simply on account of sleep deprivation. My baby is one of the nicest, quietest baby I’ve ever met and this is still MUCH harder than anything I ever did in my professional life. At least they allowed me to go to sleep eventually and nobody demanded I put a breast in their mouth every few hours night and day. And I got to shower twice a day, nowadays that is a luxury I can barely afford.

And take into consideration that I have somebody who cleans, does the laundry and ironing three days a week. Otherwise the sanitation department would have turned up at my doorstep long ago.

55

And I think this sums up the problem a lot of people (not necessarily me) have with SAHMs. Most women–scratch that, most people–are not free to “find their own intellectual challenges.” We don’t get to decide how to use our brains. It’s decided FOR us, by our bosses. Our lives are not a journey of discovery, they’re a marathon of drudgery, which only ends when we die. So yeah, I think jealousy is part of it. Even if SAHMing is work, it seems a lot more “fun” than the work most of us have to do, and a lot more potentially rewarding. Also, don’t underestimate class differences. Most of the anti-SAHM sentiment I’ve seen ties in to the belief that it’s a career path for the idle rich. I know there are plenty of working class SAHMs, but still, my gut reaction is to think “man, that dad must have a kick-ass job,” and then I feel bad because my dad did not have a kick-ass job, so it had to be my destiny to have a “worse” childhood because of it.

I think it’s a fine thing to choose to be a SAHM/D–up to a point. I really have to look askance at those people whose kids are of latchkey age (10 and up) and choose to stay at home because “the kids still need me.” Most of the SAHMs with older kids I’ve been acquainted with really do just sit around eating bonbons all day. Feel free to correct me on this, but I truly don’t think kids are majorly scarred because they have to let themselves into the house when they get home and entertain themselves for an hour. I was a latchkey kid for eight years and turned out just fine; in fact, I LOVED being home alone since it was the only time that the TV wasn’t on. Do teenagers really need someone around 24/7? I say no.

56

When my son was about nine months old (and my daughter was about four years old), I lost my job. I had been working as a Visiting Professor at a university–one step up from Graduate Assistant (aka Teacher who gets paid in Education), and they could not renew the temporary position. I was getting close to finishing my dissertation, but my committee chair left the country (for good!), and there was no one else who knew the subject well enough to give me very much guidance. I tried to find teaching positions elsewhere, but there simply were no jobs that I was willing to take, since I didn’t want to live a life of two-year appointments for ten years or more.

In addition, we had just found out that our son was hearing impaired–actually deaf at that point, and we were just starting to discover other birth defects that had not been obvious at birth (primarily low muscle tone and Failure to Thrive as a result of refusing to eat).

My husband was working at a job that was about 45 minutes commute from where we lived at the time, but he was earning just enough that we could get by on his salary while I “finished my dissertation” and stayed home with the kids. I did have a very small income from teaching distance ed classes, but it really wasn’t enough work or money to be considered a real Job.

As it turned out, I never did finish the dissertation. I spent two years toting my son to therapy appointments, hearing tests, ear surgeries, doctor appointments, hearing aid fittings, ASL lessons, and various other evaluations. At the same time, I somehow taught our daughter to read entirely on her own, and when she started pre-K the next year, she was already ready at first-grade level (at least!).

I spent a total of two years as a SAHM. At the time, it was definitely the Right Thing To Do, and I don’t know that I would do things any differently if I had to do it all over again. At the same time, I really didn’t enjoy it. I am not good at seeking out other peoples’ company, so I spent most of those two years either at therapy appointments or cooped up in a small apartment with two young children (and Barney!!). The Internet was relatively new then, and I spent many evenings on IRC looking for adults to communicate with–I doubt I could have made it without that contact.

I did end up getting a part-time evening job just because I couldn’t be a 100% SAHM anymore. The extra money was nice, but it was also nice to talk to people whose chin didn’t have food all over it. :wink: I did consider putting the kids in daycare, but there were no jobs that I qualified for where we lived that would have paid the cost of two kids in daycare, and I didn’t want to work if it was going to cost more for me to work than to stay at home.

After about two years, my husband found a better-paying job elsewhere, and I had given up on finishing my dissertation or finding a job at a university. So we moved. Our daughter started Kindergarten a couple of months after we moved. I immediately found a good daycare for my son, and a full-time job for myself that would pay more than the cost of one child in daycare, and I haven’t considered being a SAHM seriously since then.

57

Nonsense. I, as well as any other person, am free to choose how to use my brain. My boss doesn’t dictate that I MUST work there; I choose what to do with my life and my brain. I can choose to put my brain to work homeschooling my children, which I don’t (no offense to those who do), or I can choose to put my brain to work for a Fortune 200 company, which I do. MY choice, though. You can choose similarly, whether you wish to use your brain to raise children, or to develop software, or to paint artistic masterpieces. Entirely up to you.

Your gut reaction is not always correct. I was a single SAHM to my oldest son for a while, so there was no “dad” with a “kick-ass job.” There was a mom who was there for every minute, though. (And before anyone asks, I was NOT on any public assistance. I saved enough that I could stay home for a while.) So please don’t assume things that might not be true.

58

Do you think so? My impression has always been that it’s considered a lower/middle class thing to do, and that rich people mostly have double incomes, which would be why they are rich. Most of what I hear seems to be that women who aren’t smart or educated enough to work are the ones who stay home.

The actual, real-live SAHMs I know mostly scrape by on $40K or less (and we live in CA, where the housing market is insane). I don’t know their exact incomes, of course–40K is a guess and I know it’s as little as 25 in some cases–but most of them are scrimping, and their husbands are policemen or farm managers or office peons. Most of the SAHMs I know try to earn extra money by doing some small thing or other–child care, tutoring, supplying some commodity to a local business, or whatever they can squeeze in.

Certainly my own upbringing was lower-middle class. My mom stayed home for about 20 years (5 kids), though she worked on a second master’s degree or worked part-time for some of that. For several years she had her own tiny business. Now, she’s been working for about 10 years and there’s a lot more demand for her than there exists to go 'round. She’d really prefer to go half-time and spend more time with grandkids and working on her two acres of extremely productive garden, but she has to squeeze that in around the edges. At the moment she works full-time as the reference librarian and teaches a couple of college courses on library science on the weekends, but before that she was designing a high school’s new library and then running a bunch of the local school libraries. My mom is cool. Though I wish I could ask her to babysit sometimes!

Anyway, I’ve never thought of SAHMing as high-class. Rather the opposite!

59

If you’re really curious about this, go to mothering.com and check out the SAHM section (which is most devoted to “how can I save a buck” and “my kids are wonderful but I’m losing my mind”) and the WOHM (“where can I find decent daycare” and “I haven’t slept this decade”).

And read Vicki Iovine’s books on pregnancy and motherhood - she’s a riot, and she’s right on the money.

60

I also meant to add, eleanorigby I enjoyed your post (but then I usually do). When I worked at the public library, I noticed differences between the SAHMs and the WOHMs, too. In that situation, the WOHMs always knew the day’s date and never had to ask me when writing out checks for overdue fines. But the SAHMs always opened their books for me before bringing them to the checkout counter.