Togay I drained my aquarium and took the fish to donate to the local pet store. I haven’t had the energy or will to take care of the tank properly for a while. It’s been months since I did a proper water change, and feeding’s been down to once or twice a week. The last straw was when both the filter and the lights stopped working.
So I cleaned it out and netted the fish into the little plastic carrying aquarium. Two zebra danios, half a dozen female Kribensis cichlids, and a spotted raphael catfish I’ve had for at least five years. All in suprisingly good shape despite the total neglect they’ve suffered lately. The guy at the pet store took them, but the store owner wasn’t in. He said to come back when the owner was is and they’d give me store credit for the fish.
So here I sit by the dark, empty, silent tank. It’s hitting me harder than I expected. I’ve always kept fish, just about my entire life. I just feels like a total failure not being able to even keep fish alive anymore.
Don’t know what to do with the tank and equipment now - it doesn’t seem right to throw it away, but I don’t know that I can summon the effort ant attention to rebuild the setup. I found that the well-aged driftwood under there had some really nice encrustation of java fern and some other small waxy plant growing on it under all that muck. Doesn’t seem right to throw that away either, but the lighting hood doesn’t work anymore so I can’t even keep the plants alive.
Can’t sleep lately, either. When I lie down at night I just see destruction and dead people in my dreams. I’ve started seeing a therapist but it’s not really helping much yet. I’m just trying to focus on the bare minimum I can get my on in my life so I don’t get fired and can keep going through this.
I probably shouldn’t have written this. It seems pretty pathetic reading it. But I just had to get it out to someone, mayby it will help a bit.
Jeez, that’s too bad. I won’t pretend to know what’s going on in your life, but I hope you’ve told your therapist about the depth of your despair and lack of intererest/engergy. It sounds a lot like a serious bout of depression.
It sounds like you’re doing what you can right at this moment, and that’s all you really have to do. Try not to beat yourself up about it.
Therapy can be a wonderful thing, but it’s not an instant fix, and it doesn’t fix everything. It just helps you to deal with things the best way you can, and it’s surprising how often that is enough. Whatever you do, don’t give up on therapy before it’s had a chance to help.
Keep on posting - it can’t hurt, and maybe getting some of the feelings out in print will help.
I’ve had this before. I think it’s a genetic thing. I have bouts of severe depression every few years. It runs in the family - a few of my dad’s relatives commited suicide because of it. I’ve tried medication without much luck.
I think the sleep disruption is the worst - lately when I try to sleep, I just lay awake for hours with horrible thoughts going through my head. Tonight I’m trying a combination of Nyquil and Enya CDs to try and get some rest.
You know, I always heard that having pets around was supposed to help with depression. Have you considered getting a betta, since they thrive on the sort of care you’re able to take of one right now? You’d still have a fishie around the house, but it wouldn’t be a drain like taking care of a big tank that needs filtration and lighting and stuff.
Talk to your doctor about the sleep disturbances, and see if you can get a script for a few sleeping pills, just enough to let you sleep for a few nights.