Sandwich fraud?! Fuck you!

The BBQ Pit
1

It is not like me to Pit a cop. The cops I’ve dealt with have always been polite, respectful, and good at their jobs. The officer they sent over to my house to investigate the Case of the Missing Birdbath didn’t even crack a smile, y’all, and god bless him. But today?! Today, my friends, I was accused of sandwich fraud by Columbia’s finest.

It starts with something ELSE that pisses me off - why the fuck is a goddamned football game so important that you block off access to all the major roads in town so the precious fucking football people can get to the game? This isn’t some shitheel cow town, people. This is the state capitol AND site of the nation’s largest basic training facility as well as, obviously, the state university. Not everybody gives a flying shit about the fucking football game, asswipes. Some of us are trying to, say, work, or more importantly, take our lunch breaks!

I’m trying to go to Subway, grab some sandwiches, and take them to my boyfriend’s house where we can eat them on my lunch break, which is at 4:30 today because I work the evening shift. I came down on a side street to avoid the main drag, which is full of football traffic. One assumes there’s a game tonight; frankly, I couldn’t give less of a shit.

The Subway is on the corner of Whaley, where all the action happens, and Assembly, the big street. The cop is blocking all traffic on Whaley at Main, the next parallel street over. I’m coming down Waley from Sumter, the next next street.

She’s keeping everybody out who doesn’t live there and isn’t delivering a pizza - you gotta show her an ID with an address in the Forbidden Zone. Well, I only have an hour for lunch - too late to change my plans, but I figure, I’ll get up there and talk to her and of course she’ll let me through.

I’m waiting to speak to her while cross traffic does, and she looks and me and screeches “YOU ARE NOT GOING ANYWHERE!” Well, yes, it does look like that, doesn’t it? (I know I might get yelled at for commenting on her physical appearance, but she did look a great deal like a pig, including a very snoutlike nose. Sometimes we find release from our anger in comedy.) I finally got up to where I could speak to her, and we had this lovely exchange:

Her: YOU ARE NOT GOING THROUGH HERE!
Me: I just want to go to Subway.
Her: WHY DO YOU WANT TO GO TO SUBWAY?!
Me: To, uh, get a sandwich for dinner?
Her: YOU BETTER GO RIGHT THERE AND RIGHT BACK THIS WAY. I’M WRITING DOWN YOUR LICENSE PLATE!

So I went, pissed as hell. Excuse me? You require me to justify my presence on the public thoroughfare for a FOOTBALL GAME? You shout at me because you think I’m LYING ABOUT MY SANDWICH? Jesus fuck, you evil bitch, isn’t there a bank being robbed somewhere? Somebody getting murdered? A cat up a tree?

So I go to Subway, where of course I’m the only one there - I let the manager there know where all his customers were, by the way. I came back and asked for her badge number, partly so she’d notice I came back because I can just imagine getting a ticket in the mail for pretending to get a sandwich and actually, god forbid, going to a fucking football game instead. And then I’d have to go to this Kafka-esque trial where I had to prove I got a sandwich. But once I said “badge number”, like George Thoroughgood’s landlady, she was so nice - law, she was lovey-dovey!

She gave me the number and said, in a normal tone of voice, “You were trying to go around me and I couldn’t let you!”

That’s when my hot anger turned to the cold, icy kind. An officer of the law lied to my face? Now, maybe for some of you this happens every day. Those of you in, say, the Sudan. Or maybe Detroit, I dunno. That guy who got his car stolen in DC had an awful cop horror story, as I recall. But one of the CPD officers? I most certainly did NOT try to go around her! I was completely in my lane, waiting my turn! I would not more have gone around a police officer blocking the road than eaten a live rat, because the ghost of my grandma would rise and punch me in the mouth. I was raised to respect the cops! What the fuckity fuck?!

Sorry, I guess I could have been more vitriolic - I’m kind of out of anger because I ate my sandwich with the RAGE OF A THOUSAND HELLS. Now that I’ve pretty much worn out my anger I can write that letter to the police chief with icy civility. :slight_smile: So, yeah, I know, small potatoes, but I feel better now.

2

So which is it? You dont like football, sandwiches or cops?

Edit. I’m glad you feel better.

3

I was brought up to respect police officers, and in a large part I still do. In fact, I completely respect police officers today.

It’s just that the assanine laws and policies that they are forced to protect in this day and time makes you hate the messenger (the cop on the street)

Last week, a cop gave my wife a ticket for having a headlight out. Fine. But this is 5 miles from where enough illegal drugs are being sold to kill Keith Richards, his progeny, and all of his friends. Don’t we prioritize anymore, or are they looking for the easy buck?

And if they are looking for the easy buck, then they lose that respect that I was taught. I know that the cop was just doing what he was told, but he gets the crap anyways…

4

You know, I’m only partial to one of the three myself, and even that can be fucked up with enough mayonnaise… :wink:

5

You know that reputation Canadians have for being nice and polite? Every City of Calgary cop I’ve ever talked to (while being ticketed, natch) have been utter assholes. I know everyone says they didn’t do anything to deserve the cop being rude, but I don’t think I could be rude to a cop if there was a gun to my head - my grandmother would also rise up and punch me in the mouth.

My point? Uh, there are assholes on police forces everywhere.

6

Considering who’s most likely to have a gun in that situation, that seems wise.

7

At least she didn’t get the cops that gave my buddy two tickets – one for each of the brake lights that were out on his car.

Cops; can’t live with 'em, can’t live without 'em.

Last year, I was pulled over in a sobriety check in my neighborhood. The checkpoint was just past where I would turn off on the block I live on. For some reason it took them a really long time to check my license, but when they finished, the cop in charge held up four converging lanes of traffic so I could back up and turn onto my block.

8

Exactly what I was going to say. Makes it hard to hold onto when you’re trying to pass.

9

I likes me some sammiches, and I like Officer Friendly of the Bird Bath Mystery. Don’t care much for football.

The part that really infuriated me, I think, is “Why do you want to go to Subway?”

10

'Cause the Metro is closed for maintenance?

11

This site might make you feel better. Or worse, depending on how you see it.

12

You know it’s funny, but the only Border Patrol/Customs Security type that I have ever had act like out-and-out pricks towards me has been Canadians. The worst was going into BC with two friends when I was around 19 or 20, but I remember a couple of uncomfortable moments with my mother when I was a kid on the Windsor/Detroit border as well. What struck me most about the BC thing was that on the way back through Alberta, entering U.S. into Montana, the U.S. Border Guards were the most cheerful, friendly bunch I’ve ever come across. This despite the near-universal reputation of U.S. Border Guards as mega-assholes.

I’m dead certain it was sheer coincidental luck of the draw, though. I’ve heard far too many stories that contradict mine. In both directions.

13

Yeah, now I see purple. The boyfriend thinks I should be crass and say in my letter who I am, like “Dear Police Chief: I am a white woman librarian who owns a home in this city. Also, my dad is on the square, if ya know what I mean and I think you do. I’d like to have a chat with you about Officer Porky.”

14

Same here, though I never forget that in every group that deserves respect, there’s also a bunch of idiot shitheel assholes that don’t deserve shit individually.

15

Worse.

Story after story of a cop breaking the same laws that the rest of us are held too, getting caught, and then being so petty that they resolve to never help the ticketing officer if his life was in danger. Awesome.

And the grammar! :eek:

16

At least they were nice enough to compile a list of honest cops

17

In the Sudan, the police officer beats you to death and eats your sandwich.

Or possibly that’s Detroit. I gets confused. :confused:

18

Interesting. Are you Canadian or American? I, being Canadian, can tell you that I have never had a problem with Canadian customs or immigration people. However, I curse the Americans at the Sweetgrass, Montana crossing for the shear hell that they made my life.

19

American and I don’t doubt it ( the US BG acting like jerks ).

But then who can blame them? You Canadians are a notoriously sneaky bunch - damn near commies. Unlike us clean-cut all-American Americans ;).

20

What a great OP. I vividly felt the visceral pain of the sandwich related trauma you have been through. There is nothing worse than lunch hour interference (nothing!). And to come from a trusted community member … it’s just sad.