SanibelMan is not my friend

SanibelMan is not my friend and has not been so since last year. I cannot manage to get it through his thick skull and into his tiny brain, however. He continues to badger me and, since this message board looked interesting, I decided to join with his hotmail adress, that way he and Wordsmith would quit badgering me about my views on e-mail and I could join this board. He is a spineless wimp, by the way. He insulted smoking, comparing it to banging one’s head against a wall, and one of my relatives smokes. He also is demeaning to me, and almost dropped my dog onto a tile floor once. He has left an extremely insulting message as a reply to the one that I started last week, because he is so afraid that he will insult the other people on the message board. If I was boorish, I would already have mashed him into an economy-sized can of tuna. I even have a witness of SanibelMan’s insulting and manifold flaws. The witness’s screen name is Falstaff

I’ve had about enough of this and am taking matters into my own hands. With leniency from the TM, let me give this a shot.

Hear ye! Hear ye!

The Court of the Pit is now in session, the Honorable ChiefScott presiding. All who have business before the Court draw near and you shall be heard.

In the matter of GuanYu v. Sanibelman, the plaintiff alleges irreconcilable differences and is petitioning the court for the dissolution of the relationship with the defendant.

Since the Plaintiff and Defendant are new to this jurisdiction let me explain how this works:

Plaintiff states (in this order, and numbered): 1) What he wants the outcome of this trial to be; 2) The facts as to why he thinks he is entitled to that outcome. This narrative should deal with facts, no speculation and no hearsay.
Defendant states (in this order, and numbered): 1) What he wants the outcome of this trial to be; 2) The facts as to why he thinks he is entitled to that out come; 3) Refute any fact presented by the Plaintiff in his opening post; 4) amplifying information which may or may not be germane to the case before the court.

Plaintiff states (in this order, numbered): 1) Objections made. 2) Refute any fact given by the Defendant in his response. No additional information may be given without permission of the Court. 3) Any motions the Plaintiff wishes the Court to consider.

Court rules on objections.

Defendant states: 1) Any objections. 2) Any motion the Defendant wishes the Court to consider.

Court rules on objections.

Court questions petitioners.

Court rules on motions.

Court instructs both parties for closing arguments.

Plaintiff states: Closing argument.

Defendant states: Closing argument.

Court rules.

Should damages or punishment be called for the Court may ask for another statement from each party.
Gentlemen, I am now all ears. Plaintiff, please state your case, bearing in mind the Court’s instructions.

The Court further directs that the Plaintiff and Defendant respond within 24 hours of the previous post in this preceeding. Penalty for failure is forfeiture of case. The Defendant will be shown leniency in time for his first post due to the Court’s limited notification ability. If any one may contact the Defendant, the Defendant is to be instructed to report to this thread to answer to charges levied against him. The court will render rulings and decisions within 24 hours.

Let’s see: Sanibelman is intelligent, literate, friendly, respectful of others, and has a genuine interest in learning and expanding his horizons.

Guano-u is a semiliterate obnoxious jerk who apparently came here for the purpose of showing all of the grown-ups what an ignorant asshole he can be.

Guano-u, grow up. Get a life. Get a brain. Get a personality. Get rid of the ‘I’m hot shit’ attitude - cause you ain’t.

Thank goodness SM no longer has you attached like an albatross around his neck, or a leech on his backside. He is one of the young people on this board that gives me hope for the future.

You, OTOH, are headed straight for Life’s Big Garbage Dump if you don’t smarten up.

The woods would be very silent if no birds sang there except those that sang best. - Henry Van Dyke

Is this a captial case? Can I volunteer for jury duty?

One complete set of morals for sale to highest bidder, new in box.

No, you may not Unca. Let’s see if this, in any way, will work in resolving some of the petty disputes brought to this forum. Gimme a day or two of leeway and I’ll get beck with you.

By the way, you may refer to me in this thread as Your Honor.

Your insight is always appreciated, but for the purposes of this proceeding I will not be able to consider your comments when rendering decisions.

I am still awaiting the Plaintiff’s opening statement. The clock is ticking. The Plaintiff and Defendant are urged to post as expeditiously as possible, so as not to drag out these proceedings.

But ChiefScott, your honor!

When in that list of procedures are the plaintiffs and defendants allowed to call forth witnesses for questioning?

The truth, as always, is more complicated than that.

Your Honor,

Do you wish me to post my arguments now, or shall I wait for Plantiff to open?

The Court is pleased to acknowlege the presence of the Defendant.

Witnesses may be called, if needed, during the questioning phase by the court. Often, cut and dry cases can be adjudicated using only statements given by the Plaintiff and Defendant.

Should either party feel a witness may support his claim, he may, during the motions phase of the proceedings, make a motion to bring in a witness’ statement.

The Defendant will wait until the Plainiff opens. Should the plaintiff fail to post within 24 hours, the Defendant may make his opening statement per the posted Court rules and the court will then rule.

As you wish, Your Honor.

I would also like to note that the Plaintiff might not be expected to reply to the Honorable Judge’s request until tomorrow morning at 8 AM ET at the earliest, due to his lack of access to internet-capable computers.

I hope to reply to this thread no later that 6 PM ET tomorrow afternoon.

Your Honor -

Can one apply to be a character witness? If so, I would like to be one for the defendant.

Leslie Irish Evans

GuanYu, do you like anybody on this message board? Anyone at all? Other than yourself?

Yes, your honor, I know I’m out of order. And I don’t care. Hold me in contempt (if you don’t already).

(always risking contempt from Your Honorship ChiefScott)

  • The first thing we do, lets kill all the lawyers *

        * Henry VI*, Act IV, Scene II

(…opening bag of Cheetos, belching, and resting feet on court rail)

“…send lawyers, guns, and money…”

 Warren Zevon

The entire post was laughable, but I gotta comment on:

So? If one of your relatives kicked puppies, would you object to someone insulting puppy-kicking? You base the merit of an activity on the fact that a someone you know takes part in it? Jesus Christ, what a ridiculous thing to base an argument on. “My relative smokes, so there’s nothing wrong with it.”

Many, many people find smoking irritating or disgusting and the fact that the relative of a dunderhead smokes isn’t going to change anyone’s mind.

Ha ha ha ha ha. Probably just felt guilty about what would happen to you if you tried it.

“The secret of life is, there ain’t no secret, and you don’t get your money back.”

Point of Order, Your Honor.

May a member of the gallery sit in your lap and kiss you upon your cheek every time Your Honor makes a bold and just ruling in order that that same member of the gallery may show proper appreciation for Your Honor’s manly integrity?
{Sorry, I can’t but help to think I’m watching a bawdy British courtroom skit as I read this thread.}

The plaintiff requests a 24 hour extension. Sorry for the inconvenience, at any rate.

I do have a small amount of time to be on this message board today, and with it, I shall say that I do like some people on this message board (despite the fact that several have insulted me, this being the BBQ pit). The reason why I chose this screen name is because it is thet name of an interesting Chinese war general during the Three Kingdoms (san guo) period. Perhaps John would know about the subject. Furthermore, I have studied Chinese for four years, somewhat on and off, so I assumed that it would be a valid screen name.

Spelling error: I meant to say “the”

Your Honor, we await your decision as to whether or not the Plaintiff’s request for a 24-hour extension will be allowed.

Additionally, regarding witnesses:

I request that all witnesses must be registered users of the SDMB, and that they should have registered before the beginning date of this thread (10-04-99). Witnesses shoud post themselves, instead of being quoted by either the Defendant or the Plaintiff.
I believe these rules, if followed, will be fair and just, and I humbly request that the Court consider these guidelines for implementation.

If anyone on this board wishes to be a character witness for myself, the Defendant, they may e-mail me at

Thank you for your time, Your Honor.