I’m referring both to the nail-tossing and the response. I think you’d have gotten a vastly different one if you’d used to stern grownup voice rather than the gentle teaching voice, for what it’s worth.
Kids aren’t good at picking up on value judgments by implication.
They need things spelled out. To a kid who hasn’t had to change a flat (and has probably never seen it done), and certainly hasn’t had to pay for a replacement tire- a flat tire probably registers as no more than a brief inconvenience.
What was the worst/most irresponsible/dangerous thing you ever did as a kid?
Personally, I did a lot worse than what this kid did. And I learned from it. OK, it took a long time, but I learned. What are you going to do, keep your boy in a glass case?
Unfunny story. I was ‘that kid’ that one parent didn’t want their boy to associate with anymore. So a blossoming friendship was broken, no big deal, I moved on, but was personally hurt because I knew what they were thinking of me, and I knew they were wrong. As a kid you are powerless against adult opinion.
Today, where are we both? I’m completely healthy, making a decent living, happily married, and there are no skeletons in my closet. Him? He’s paraplegic from smoking dope and lying on the street looking at the stars in a poorly lighted area. Car accidentally ran over him.
So, sanity check? I can feel your concern as a parent (although I’m not yet a parent myself so maybe I’m overestimating my empathic ability) but I think you should pull a little bit of that stick out of your arse and let your son become a man.
I agree with both these statements. However at age 8 I don’t think it’s unusual for the kid to be not quite there yet. Based on this one incident alone I wouldn’t necessarily nix the play date. I’d have my eye open for other things in the kid though, such as other spastic, immature, and unthinking behavior. At age kids should be just about beyond the stupid-kid stage.
(And you don’t at all sound like a helicopter parent to me… don’t know where the hell that comment came from)
I think it’s totally normal, particularly in a culture where an awful lot of media is constantly telling kids that cartoon violence is entertaining. He just hasn’t thought it through, and probably most 8yo’s haven’t. You have to help them do that, and it takes constant repetition–that incident is not at all an indication that the family is inconsiderate. They could be Quakers who constantly talk about compassion and helping our fellow man, and he would still be an average 8yo boy who hasn’t learned to think things through yet.
In my experience at least part of the stupid kid stage lasts well past the teens and into the 20s for many males, especially when you throw alcohol into the mix.
Not letting your kid play with a friend for no good reason IS heliopter parenting.
I suspect you might have got a different response if you’d told the kid that if he were riding his bicycle along the road, it could get a flat tire.
I would not cancel the playdate based on this single incident. I would, however, keep a closer eye on this kid than perhaps I otherwise would, and if other red flags went off for me, then I might stop future playdates.
If the definition of helicopter parent has been broadened to include someone who is monitoring son’s potential playmate’s behavior and asking others for a sanity check on his reaction before executing any plans than the phrase has lost all useful meaning.
Yeah, but Bricker’s not suggesting that the kid be grounded for a month, or barred for life from playing with Bricker Jr.
OTOH, on thinking about this some more, I’m wondering what Bricker is going to do to let Kid 2 and Dad know exactly why Kid 2 is not allowed to come over. I think Bricker is going to have to play this carefully. I don’t think he has “a stick in his ass” like some responses here–you want to have some control over who your kids associate as a parent, and I think there’s nothing wrong in wanting your kids to not be associating with semi-jerkish kids–but it would be very easy to look like it.
The goal here should be to provide a “teaching moment” as it were. I don’t think a semi-jerkish kid is a bad kid; my kids have done semi-jerkish stuff too. But the trick in dealing with semi-jerkish behavior is to provide a carrot to better behavior. Especially when you’re not the parent, as Bricker is here. It would really easy for Bricker to say, “Lousy kid, he’s never coming near my house again”, but I don’t think that’s the right path to take.
Maybe the best course of action here is to have Bricker Jr in on this. He seems to get it, and he knows the other kid. I think the kind of question Bricker needs to ask is simply “What do you think will change Kid 2’s ways?” As I’ve learned twice, eight-year-olds are often surprisingly sharp at understanding why their peers do what they do.
Are you being unfair? Yes. If the kids were older, I would be wary of encouraging a relationship. But the kid is 8 and has not necessarily had the benefit of a parent who teaches critical thinking and future consequences. You and your son could be a positive influence in this kid’s life. You are punishing the kid for what could be a lack on the parents side.
I would still have the play date and see how it goes.
Every time my ex would start in on the kids for age-appropriate non-thoughtfulness I would remind him of the 2x4 with nails that he and his friends threw onto the road in front of the cop car at the age of 7. Should he have known better? Maybe—7 is an iffy age for boys. Who is responsible for the fact that he was running loose with nails, 2x4s, and no idea of what would happen if a car hit it? His parents. Who learned a valuable lesson in thinking things through? My ex…his parents didn’t learn a damn thing.
My grandson is almost 6 and he’s a good kid. A friend regularly brings her 9 year old son, who would probably throw nails into the road, over to run around. She does this because she hopes that the behavior Michael exhibits will rub off on Dante. We just keep an eye on Dante, knowing that it could go the other way…his bad habits could infect Michael. But so far, it’s been Michael coming to the house to tell us that he convinced Dante not to throw rocks at the horses, not to touch the electric fences, not to do whatever impulse flies into his head. And it’s working pretty good…Dante has improved at home and improved at school.
Ok, I’ve reconsidered. If the other parents are willing, there will be a play date… but it will be at our house first. I won’t make a big deal of that, I’ll just extend the invitation for a play date at our house.
And to Bricker, great! I hope it goes well. And I have to say, I think it’s a testament to what a good kid your son is that you didn’t realize how normal the other boy’s behavior is. Good job, there!
Obviously that was close to my initial reaction as well, but enough people here have said it is normal that I’m going to assume I led a sheltered, and somewhat goody-goody, life as a kid. If my father had seen my throw nails into the road, he would have expressed his displeasure … er… strongly.
