Sanity Check - Kid Behavior

In My Humble Opinion
1

So yesterday, I’m taking Bricker Jr home from his Tae Kwon Do class, which is also running a summer camp this week. So basically he’s had a day of fun activities in the company of a bunch of these kids, and he’s struck up a friendship of sorts with one of the other kids. In general, I like this idea, because it gives him a chance to meet up with kids outside his school setting.

But this kid… his dad was picking him up at the same time, and the dad and I observed that our offspring seemed to get along and raised the possibility of a non-TKD play date at some future point. So this kid and my son continue their conversation about some fine point of Nintendo lore and the kid followed us toward our car instead of following his dad. Along the way, we passed a dumpster and the kid found some screws and nails on the ground next to the dumpster and picks them up.

“Hey, Bricker Jr, look what I found!”

“Yeah, they’re nails and screws.”

“Do you want some?”

“Nah,” says my son. “I’m good.”

“OK.” Whereupon the other kid throws them, as hard as he can, in the roadway.

“Hey, [kid’s name], you shouldn’t do that,” says Bricker Jr.

“Why not?”

“Because,” I interjected, using my gentle teaching voice instead of my stern grownup voice, “cars will drive over that area. What if one ran over one of those nails and got a flat tire?”

He thought about it for a second and then said happily, “That’d be funny!”

“Not if it was your car and your dad had to change the tire,” I said, at which point his dad yelled for him and he scampered off, hopped in his car and they drove off.

So as I picked up the screws and nails, I decided that the play date was never going to happen.

Am I being unfair?

2

Eh, depends. How old are these kids?

3

Nah, you’re cool. Bricker Jr sounds like he has sense enough to understand why the play date might be cancelled. Kid 2 might not, but, hey, at least he knows where he stands: don’t act like a doofus, or no play date.

Now why wasn’t Bricker Jr around when the roofing crew working down the road left a big construction nail in the street, wrecking one of our car tires beyond repair?

4

Eight.

At least, Bricker Jr. is eight, and will turn nine in September. This kid appears to be about the same age, and is at the same color belt level in TKD as my son. But in fairness, Bricker Jr is a bit short for his age, so it’s possible my perception is skewed by a year or so.

5

Even Superman can’t be everywhere.

And you know, if the kid had thought about my comment and said, “Yeah, you’re right,” I’d have had much less trouble with the situation.

6

Why didn’t his Dad pick up the roofing nails or make his son pick them up? Kudos to you for doing it.

7

Your sprog is above the curve.

His TKD bud and his dad, below it.

8

I’d say it depends on the ages. Kids do/think/say stupid things. And aren’t generally the best at assessing consequences. Nor do they necessarily bend what sounds cool to the bonds of logic.
I think it would have been more telling what his father’s reaction was and if told to pick them up how he reacted to that.

ETA, just saw ages of youths. Yeah this is not outside the norm thought pattern for 8-year-old boy. And don’t count on logic to dissuade them in the throes of what sounds like fun.

9

I really don’t think the kid’s behavior is as indicative as juvenile delinquency as you might think. Just because the thought of something bad happening is funny doesn’t mean he would genuinely find it funny. I mean hell, my entire generation’s sense of humor is predicated on bad things happening to other people that in reality we would find horrifying.

See: South Park.

I agree with jones that the Dad’s reaction is far and above the most important factor here. Boys will be boys, but Dads most definitely need to be Dads.

10

Don’t think his dad could see or hear what was happening; he was in the car waiting for his child to get in.

11

I don’t think that’s such a terrible thing for an eight-year-old to have said. When I was a kid, being reprimanded by a grown-up who wasn’t in my family was just about the worst thing that could happen to me. I can well imagine saying something along those lines in an effort to deny that I’d done something uncool (though I’d have been inwardly ashamed).

12

Unfortunately, 8-9 year olds are not always capable of assimilating cause/effect, and a lot of their world revolves around movies/video games. It’s cool when James Bond’s car spews out nails and the bad guy’s car wrecks, right? :\

13

Sounds like perfectly normal behavior for an eight-year-old. Unless the dad also thought that throwing nails into the road was funny or the kid has a history of vandalism, I wouldn’t cancel the playdate based on that. The other kid may even learn something good from Junior.

14

Let me reiterate that I’m fairly sure that Dad couldn’t see (and certainly couldn’t hear) the events as they unfolded.

I am trying not to be the guy who asks for opinions only to refuse to accept the ones I don’t already agree with… but, really? Eight year olds not knowing that nails in roadways are a bad idea, even after hearing a calm connect-the-dots comment about how they could cause a flat tire?

15

To me, you sound like a crazy “my child, right or wrong!” helicopter parent. FWIW.

16

As pointed out, I think he would see it more in a cartoony sort of way (which is likely the only exposure to nail-induced flat tires he’s had) than in a realistic property-damage-and-potentially-life-threatening-situation way. The real question would have been what he thought after you put it into a personal context, but he had to leave so you didn’t get to find out.

17

I think you’re overreacting a bit. I occasionally did stuff like that when I was eight, as did my peers.

18

Perhaps you could expand on that, since I don’t see any aspect of my child’s behavior that could possibly be wrong in the first place. (Of course, that’s just what a crazy “my child, right or wrong!” helicopter parent would say, I suppose.)

I grant you that there’s an element of my reaction that could be considered crazy, helicoptering behavior: the decision to not encourage my kid to play with this kid. That’s why I’m asking you fine people this question.

19

My feeling is, empathy and consideration for others doesn’t just come naturally; it has to be taught, and the best way to teach it is by modelling those behaviors and explaining why, exactly as you did. The problem is that others’ misfortunes are naturally funny to us, especially when it’s something as relatively benign as a flat tire. As Mel Brooks noted, “Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.” So you not only have to teach empathy, but also overcome the “ha-ha!” impulse.

Clearly, you’ve done a great job teaching your son. But the fact that the friend hasn’t fully learned empathy yet doesn’t necessarily mean he’s some kind of sociopath. It could be that his parents aren’t making an effort to teach him, or it could be that he’s just not great with this particular skill. But either way, the best thing for him, IMHO, is to have more experiences like the one you described, where his peers, as well as his elders, tell him his behavior isn’t cool. I think exposure to your son would be beneficial to him, and not detrimental to your son, as he obviously has no qualms about asserting what he knows is right.

Now, if you had said, “What would happen if someone stepped on one of those nails and got hurt?” and the kid said that would be funny, then I’d be a little more concerned about your son’s safety on a playdate with him. But as it stands, I think it would be fine. And one playdate is not a lifelong BFF commitment; if you try it out and the kid is in fact a pain in the ass, you don’t have to do it again.

Of course, if it’s not so much bad influences or safety you’re worried about, but rather, as Duke put it, “don’t act like a doofus, or no play date,” then I think you’re totally reasonable.

20

Again, though, I get that an eight-year-old might throw nails into a throughway without thinking of the consequence.

It’s the reaction when hearing the consequence spelled out that gets me: “That’d be funny.”

But it seems I may indeed be off base here, since there are more than a few folks opining that it’s not unusual…