My friend John and I formed a Tenacious D cover band (named Sasquatch!, after one of their songs) a few months ago, as you may recall. Seeing as how I have zero musical talent, this kind of dissolved.
A few months ago, John was picking at his guitar, and came up with an infectious, circusy country twang tune that he kept playing and refining. Last week, John kept making me listen to the song “My Funny Valentine,” which he started singing as “My Funny Columbine.” This quickly degenerated into an extremely tasteless song about Columbine (the lyrics of which I will NOT post) which we ended up putting to the music he’d been puttering around with. The songwriting took about an hour or two. Right afterwards, we wrote another tasteless song about Princess Diana (again, not gonna post).
With this jolt of creativity, we started Sasquatch! back up with vigor, composing new songs, farming ideas, and making up tunes.
During this time, we started speculating as to how our rock careers were going to progress, and fabricated an elaborate stereotypical rock career.
John’s High School friend Mat came up the other day, and we did a jam session and made some recordings. Afterwards, we started talking a little more about our rock futures, expanding upon the story.
Today, I was bored, with no computer access, and a notebook and pen, and I wrote out a timeline. After the timeline was made up, I started farting around, and outlined it as a two season, eighteen episode, one hour weekly show.
This is what I came up with.
Season 1
Show 1: Prologue
1963 - John & Tim are assigned as roommates their freshman year at college.
1964 - John & Tim begin playing together, and writing songs.
1965 - John & Tim begin playing gigs together, meeting locals on the music scene, and building a small following.
Show 2: Finding their feet
1967 - Gaining local renown in and around Kansas City, John & Tim press their first LP with their own funds
1968 - John & Tim get a job, opening for (uh… someone…) on a national tour.
1969 - John & Tim are asked to open for Jimi Hendrix at Woodstock
Show 3: Hitting it big
1971 - John & Tim are offered a record deal, and press their second album.
1972 - Their third album hits #1 on the Billboard Top 40.
1973 - The fourth album hits Billboard Top 10.
Show 4: Everything changes
1974 - John and Tim meet Mat, who helps to give them a harder, edgier, more pure ‘rock sound,’ moving away from the more folksy-rock feel that permeated the late 60s. Their fifth album hits #1 on Billboard Top 40.
1975 - Before the sixth album prints, John & Tim, now with Mat, change their name to Sasquatch!
Show 5: Into the abyss
1976 - John converts to Satanism, further darkening the sound for their seventh album.
1977 - Fans are frightened as Tim nearly dies of an overdose.
1978 - Mat leaves the group, as the group is renamed Satan’s Monsters. The sound continues to darken for the eight album.
Show 6: Not so bright
1979 - As Tim is investigated for suspected income tax evasion, John is arrested and jailed for assaulting a prostitute in London.
Show 7: Gaining the light
1980 - In prison, John becomes a born again Christian. Because of this, there is a dramatic restyling of their music for the ninth album, with another name change, to God’s Army. Mat prints a solo album, produced by John and Tim.
1981 - Playing for Churches and Youth Groups, God’s Army hasn’t had a hit song since their fifth album in 1974.
Show 8: All good things…
1982 - John shows up to a Church gig drunk, punches the priest, and fondles a 65 year old parishoner.
With this, God’s Army is disbanded once and for all.
Season 2
Show 9: Let slip the dogs of war
1983 - John renounces his faith, becoming athiest, and with Mat, reforms as Satan’s Monsters.
1984 - Album number ten hits #1 on Billboard Top 40, the first hit for the group for ten years.
Show 10: Bright lights, big city
1985 - Tim leaves the group for a movie career.
1986 - Tim’s ‘blockbuster’ movie flops.
Show 11: The homecoming
1987 - On the eleventh album, Tim plays as a “featured artist.” This album hits Billboard Top Ten.
1988 - As Tim’s second attempt at a movie career flops worst than the first, Tim rejoins the group, as John is institutionalized for heroin addiction. The re-addition of Tim to the lineup (along with John’s renouncement of both Christianity and Satanism) leads to the return of their ‘original’ name, of Sasquatch!.
Show 12: Finally the end
1989 - Mat is shot in the spine in a driveby shooting, leaving him with a useless right leg.
1990 - Sasquatch! releases their final, twelfth album, as they depart on their final farewell tour.
Show 13: One too many
1991 - During Sasquatch!'s final final tour, Tim dies of an overdose.
Show 14: One more time
1995 - John, clean since Tim’s death, joins up with Mat for a reunion tour. John is married the day before the tour starts.
Show 15: Keep on truckin
1998 - Sasquatch!'s final reunion tour, as their thirteenth album is released to middling reviews.
Show 16: The true story
2000 - VH1 Behind the Music features John & Tim/Sasquatch!/Satan’s Monsters/God’s Army/Sasquatch! to their highest rated BtM ever. This BtM coincides with the release of a Sasquatch! box set, featuring every album released by Tim, John, and Mat, fully remastered with Dolby 5.1.
Show 17: Epilogue
2004 - After receiving divorce papers from his wife of nine years, John goes driving, drunk. John dies in a car accident.
2010 - Clean his entire life, Mat leaves this mortal plane of a heart attack at age 62.
END
Well… I’m honestly thinking of writing this out and peddling it… or at least, talking alot about it and telling myself I’ll do it “one of these days…”
–Tim