Satan's cigarrette meter

The BBQ Pit
1

I quit smoking last October, and I know quitting can be one of the hardest roads a man can walk.

I applaud Satan’s efforts and willpower in this area.

That meter though is starting to piss me off. I look at all the time he quit smoking (over four months,) and all he’s got for his efforts is a lousy two weeks of life.

A quick thumbnail calculation (saying the average smoker smokes a pack of cigarrettes a day,) shows that according to the meter a cigarrette costs you roughly ten minutes of life.

Well it takes %#$!ing ten minutes to smoke a cigarrette! What’s the big deal? Why quit?

Does this mean Satan gets to cling to life in a coma on life support when he’s 108 years old for an extra two weeks?

Whooppee!

He has to quit smoking for 18 years or so to gain an extra year of life. If he never smokes again he’ll be lucky to gain 4 years tacked onto the back of his life.

He’ll get to sit around the nursing home playing pinochle and eating bland mush through false teeth for four more years!

Again, Whoopee!

If that was all there was to it, I might as well smoke.

Of course what the meter doesn’t reflect (and why I’m pissed at it) is QUALITY of life.

If Satan stays off the butts, he’ll have a much better chance of being healthy and active far later into his life.

His smoking compatriots may spend twenty or thirty years as shut-ins breathing oxygen through a hose, in and out of the cardiac ward enjoying a miserable quality of life, while Satan spends that Same time playing golf and tennis, hiking with grandkids, travelling and having sex!

How come the meter doesn’t show that?

Smoking has clear links to impotence. If we have to quantify it, why don’t we show orgasms saved? Now that would be an incentive!

Why don’t we show rounds of golf played?

Sets of tennis?

vacations?

Trips to the emergency room avoided?

Medication costs not incurred?

Heart attacks not had?

A cardiologist I play tennis with says that smoking doesn’t really decrease your life expectancy all that much. It does however very sharply and dramatically decrease the quality of the latter part of life.

Two weeks. Big Fucking deal!

62 Orgasms saved. Awwwriggght!!!

2

I thought about making a “Stupid posts” meter, but I worried that I wouldn’t have enough ram for my PC to count that high. :smiley:

3

Damn…that works out to approximately 4.42857 orgasms a day. Given that those two weeks are tacked on to the END of his life, may I be the first to say DAMN.

runs out to buy a few shares of Pfizer stock

4

Drain:

I was thinking that maybe the 4 mos. of not smoking may have delayed the onset of impotence by a year or so.

Not being familiar with Satan’s hydraulic equiptment, my numbers are necessarily sketchy, but I imagine that as an old but active geezer Satan could reasonably expect to “get some” once a week or so. Then I tacked on another ten for special occasions. Hence 62.

5

So NOW you tell me.

What the hell am I gonna do with all this Astroglide?

6

I also found that part to be interesting. The rest of it is pretty straight-forward… Figure out how much I used to smoke, how often and how much it cost. But the “life saved” thing is pretty odd and I would guess not totally accurate.

However, it is just another thing that motivates me. The money saved is a big motivator, of course. But you will be happy to know that I adapted my sig just for your concerns here, so it might show you why that line means something to me in spite of its inconsistancies.

If it also makes you nauseous, well, that’s icing on the cake! :wink:

Yer pal,
Satan

[sub]I HAVE BEEN SMOKE-FREE FOR:
Four months, two weeks, 14 hours, 8 minutes and 30 seconds.
5463 cigarettes not smoked, saving $682.94.
Extra life with Drain Bead: 2 weeks, 4 days, 23 hours, 15 minutes.[/sub]

"Satan is not an unattractive person."-Drain Bead
[sub]Thanks for the ringing endorsement, honey![/sub]

7

Once a week?!?!?

Puh-lease… Even at 70, I am going to have a wife almost ten years my junior. I’m gonna keep her busier than THAT…

Yer pal,
Satan

[sub]I HAVE BEEN SMOKE-FREE FOR:
Four months, two weeks, 14 hours, 11 minutes and 14 seconds.
5463 cigarettes not smoked, saving $682.95.
Extra life with Drain Bead: 2 weeks, 4 days, 23 hours, 15 minutes.[/sub]

"Satan is not an unattractive person."-Drain Bead
[sub]Thanks for the ringing endorsement, honey![/sub]

8

Damn it!

I just threw all that Astroglide away after what Scylla said! Now you’re telling me it’s going to be more than once a week?

runs screaming after the garbage truck

9

Hell, let the truck go–live dangerously! :wink:

10

This line

reminds me of the scene in “Big Daddy” where Adam Sandler finds out his girlfriend is fooling around with a MUCH older man…
“He’s got OLD BALLS!”

Something about that had me laughing my ass off at the time, and picturing Satan and DB when their in their twilight years just set me off again. My co-workers think I’m insane.

Zette

11

Strap-on. Astroglide is a two-way street.

12

It’s quick and dirty, but here is my best attempt.

13

Hmmm, so say I’m a chainsmoker, and it takes me five minutes to smoke each cigarette. OK, so now I quit, and every five minutes of my life, I’m gettin’ an additional ten minutes tacked on.

Jesus, I think I’ve discovered the secret to immortality!

14

Days since Satan has had a cigarette: about 136

Days since I stopped giving a flying fuck how long it’s been since Satan has had a cigarette: about 129

15

Biblio, fuck off. You don’t care about Satan’s meter, we don’t care about you. I’m sure Satan would be willing to get rid of his meter if you get rid of yourself. Now, the only question is: Should you do it by applying scissors to your phone line? Or by applying a bullet to your head? Hmmmm… tell ya what, we’ll make that your own creative judgement.

I think I’ll set up a meter measuring how long it takes Biblio to read this post from start to finish. I’ll know he’s done when I hear him shout “Heeeey! I’m not a… whatever that word is!”

You fuckin’ pithicanthropoid.

16

Oh yeah, and I’ll take a bit of time off the top if he can tell me how it’s actually spelled. Here, this should help (with the spelling problem, I mean. I don’t have much hope for the reading part).

Ahhhhhh, now it’s a bit more Pit-like.

17

bookblower:

Quite a shame you don’t like my meter, as I do so live to impress you.

All I know is that my meter has encouraged no less than half a dozen people to quit smoking, which even the happiest current smoker would say is a good thing.

I will gladly take the tradeoff of that positive influence on a good number of people and risk the wrath of a few jerk-offs (well, actually, it’s one jerk-off thus far - Way to go for your exclusive club!) who seem to have problems with my meter for no real reason other than…

Well, I don’t know your reason, to be honest. You didn’t elaborate much. Which makes sense - with over 1,000 posts, I don’t even remember you. So you must not make a habit of making an impression.

Whatever, I am keeping my sig. And modifying it for this one post. I do hope you like it…

Yer pal,
Satan

[sub]TIME ELAPSED SINCE I QUIT SMOKING:
Four months, two weeks, one day, 1 hour, 27 minutes and 24 seconds.
5482 cigarettes not smoked, saving $685.30.
Extra time with Drain Bead: 2 weeks, 5 days, 50 minutes.

DAYS I EVEN KNEW THE EXISTANCE OF bibliophage: 1[/sub]

"Satan is not an unattractive person."-Drain Bead
[sub]Thanks for the ringing endorsement, honey!*[/sub]

18

HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY!

19

Looks like you’re ready to trade in that pitch fork for a halo.

And now a Martyr?

What’s the Pit coming to?

20

Jack, you fucking idiot! You can’t trade a halo for a martyr! Chripes man, get a clue, that’s what I did with mine.