This is probably my favorite trend on Tiktok. So I’m stealing it and using it here because I thought it might be fun.
Just say the weird thing:
Sometimes when I avoid an accident. Like I tipped over a glass of tea but I managed to catch it before it spilled everywhere. I think about the “me” in a parallel universe where I DID in fact spill that glass of tea. And I think to myself: "I sure am glad I’m not that other me right now!! "
I really enjoy pretending to be an amoeba.
I like cheese.
I found the lack of omnivorous mecha-squirrels in Scheranky’s book profoundly disappointing.
Curious green ideas sleep furiously. (-- Noam Chomsky)
If I break wind audibly, I remark “More tea, vicar?” 
I make my bed everyday and then think about everything I trapped under the blankets.
As I was walking the dog down the sidewalk this morning, I noticed along both sides of the sidewalk were thickly growing weeds that almost looked like miniature trees. I thought, if I was a bug, this sidewalk would be like a nice country highway.
Or "Lieutenant who?’
When I feed the dogs, they have to wait while I put down the bowls and step out of the way.
Then I give the command to release them from their ‘wait’. “Bon Appetit”
A friend visited us over the holiday weekend. We were outside throwing balls for the dogs. I whispered to my gf, asking if we should go over to the pond and she agreed.
So, I said, loudly, “POND”. The dogs went immediately berserk . Our friend had no clue why. My gf started walking over toward our pond. Dogs and friend went with her while I grabbed wine, glasses, and cheese.
I don’t like most people.
Upon reflection, I’m going to rephrase that:
I don’t like most people enough to want to spend any amount of time with them.
Whenever I’m doing physical work in close quarters with another person (for example, putting away groceries with my husband), I fantasize that we’re actors performing a scene together and really nailing the blocking. It’s funner that way.
Can I sit next to you?
Yes, as long as we don’t have to talk.
When I walk into a bar, it’s similar to walking up to a line of urinals. There is an etiquette to it. I was once sitting at a bar in a near empty establishment. There were 3 guys each tending to their own beer. We were spaced equally apart.
A woman walked in, scanned the bar, then sat down next to me! I was reading on my phone and it really shocked me a bit. I put my phone in my pocket, picked up my pint, and moved down the bar a few seats. She gave me the evil eye for some reason, but I don’t think I did anything wrong.
Two Truths And A Lie–
I’ll start.
When lying in bed, I like to look up at the ceiling (plaster, with thousands of little dents and protrusions) and pretend I’m an astronaut on a space station gazing down at the Himalayas.