This past July we picked up a couple kittens. Bullet (head to the left) and Guillermo The Relentless (the other one). It’s wintery and dry roundabout these here parts, and one strokes a kitty with an abundance of caution, or at least understanding that the process will involve prickly static shocks. So there I was, sitting on the couch, watching Rachel Maddow like a good hive-minded Liberal, and petting Bullet, who was sitting along my left thigh with his tail curled across the top of my leg. He was enduring the little shocks like a champ because he’s a good kitty. Guillermo The Relentless, who is a less good kitty, got jealous of the attention and hopped up on the couch and assumed the same position on my right side. Typical of littermates, he enhanced his overall affection affectation by making sure his tail rested on top of his brother’s. Bullet minded not one bit, as he felt he was getting additional cuddles as deemed righteous by The Universe. So now I’m two fisting, if you will, the kitten joy. And I noticed something. While I was petting both kitties, there were no electrical shocks. “Well, that’s curious.” I thought. And it was. Nearly as curious as the uncomfortably warm feeling I was getting behind my eyes.
It didn’t take long before Rachel started turning bright red. And then, suddenly, “ZZZZZOTTTT !” I shit you not, red laser beams shot right out of my eyes and burned an avocado-sized hole right through the TV! The cats didn’t seem to notice, but I conceived a cunning plan. This morning I got my old chaps and sewed a small cat bed (like the one being used in the photo) onto each thigh, forming pockets. I donned the chaps, and slipped a kitty into each pocket, and tied their tails together with some yarn. Sure enough, after a couple of strokes to each one, ZZZZZOTTTTT ! I looked a quick laser pulse at the fireplace and started a fine blaze. I’ve got big plans for this discovery, you can be sure of that!
The cats may be scalar, but Inigo Montoya is more of a vector threat. In addition to the amplitude of the red illumination, one must be mindful of the direction he’s looking at.