So a friend of mine asked me the other day about protocols and advice re: her grandparents’ ashes. Apparently she and other immediate family members are going to meet up on a lake–which will take an hour or so down the river channel to get to–and scatter her grandparents’ ashes.
They aren’t going to have any kind of religious ceremony, so no priests/pastors etc. will be involved…and it will take place on a boat they are renting. Her GPs loved this lake and wanted to be scattered there.
She is wondering exactly what to do and how to do it. And especially how to plan for it. She’s afraid that everybody will be standing around feeling awkward and foolish, since there’s no obvious protocal or religious figure to guide them, and that nobody will know what to say/do. I asked her if the boat would have a stereo system (thinking maybe a favorite piece of music might be played) and she isn’t sure.
She’s afraid of Grandma and Grandpa being in two separate urns on the lake, on the boat, and the moment arriving wherein they must be scattered to lie in eternal peace, and nobody having any clue how to commemorate/honor the moment.
I’ve only been to a handful of funerals and they were all traditional church funerals, so I have no advice at all…but I told her I would ask the Dopers and you guys might have words of advice.
Any advice/insight/experience would be very appreciated!
Only half-jokingly, I’ll note that they should check the wind direction before starting to scatter. You don’t want more of the grandparents to end up back in the boat/in observers’ hair/face/clothes than in the water.
She could prompt some family members ahead of time to think of lovely memories of their grandparents, especially anything tied to the lake, and then ask them at the time to talk about those memories. Those might prompt other people to remember nice stories as well, and then they could share those.
She could also ask if anyone wants to share in the task of scattering - if only one person does, maybe she could have one urn and the other person could have the other. Make sure they know ahead of time if the urn covers are sealed in any way, if there’s a sealed baggie inside or what, and if so, prep those beforehand to avoid having to fiddle with them on the spot/watching grandma’s ashes float off on the current while grandpa’s urn is still sealed.
If more than one person wants to scatter, they could hand the urn off to the next person and let them scatter a little in turn.
We scattered my mother’s ashes at Laguna Beach several years ago. She wasn’t in an urn but rather what looked like a fancy gift box that you’d put wine in and the actual ashes were in a plastic bag. There were six of us - all immediate family- and I think my dad was the only one who said much of anything. We all took turns grabbing a handful and letting the wind blow her cremains into the ocean. It just felt natural to silently reflect upon what the moment meant to me and that’s my suggestion for your friend; to let the event unfold naturally. In my case we had had a public remembrance gathering a couple days prior and so there was no need to make a formal “tribute” so to speak. If this is the first / only chance the family has to say goodbye then some people might feel like speaking from the heart but I don’t think anything has to be particularly planned. I imagine people will be caught up in the poignancy of the moment and there’ll be very little room for awkwardness.
Back when I was in the Navy on a submarine, we were once requested to scatter a veteran submariner’s ashes at sea. Unfortunately, the wind was somewhat unpredictable, and most of the ashes blew the wrong way and ended up stuck on the side of the sail (i.e. the conning tower) instead of being scattered at sea. :eek:
No big deal, right? The ashes would just wash off once we submerged. No, unfortunately, the ash-scattering ceremony was held at the end of our patrol, after we had surfaced and were headed back to port, so most of the ashes were unceremoniously hosed off into the harbor once we’d tied back up at the pier. :rolleyes:
With my mom’s parents’ ashes, this was avoided by re-packaging the cremains in a biodegradable, water-soluble “urn” which was then dropped into the water. The aqua-urn was designed to disintegrate in the water, effectively dispersing its contents without risk of blowback.
Thank you all for coming. We’re here today to honor the memory of <name> and <name>, and to scatter their ashes in a place they both loved, <placename>. We have chosen <placename> because <description about why they loved this place>.
Before the ashes are scattered, we will observe a moment’s silence. Please use this time to remember <name> and <name> in your own way. After the ashes have been scattered, we will return to shore for some food and drink, and we encourage you to share your memories of <name> and <name> with each other.
Please be silent.
<scatter ashes> Rest in peace in a place you loved, <name> and <name>.
We will now return to shore. Thank you once again for being here.
Being me, I’d probably bring a boom box and play Dust in the Wind by Kansas as I scattered the ashes. Otherwise, just pick someone to be the celebrant/MC/Leader person, have them say a few respectful words, and do the scatter. I sorta like the idea of each person attending scattering part of the remains, but some may prefer not to do that…
We had what turned out to be a really nice little memorial service for my brother in December. There were a grand total of eight of us there, with no one (or all of us) officiating. My sisters and I had each written a short remembrance, and our other brother spoke extemporaneously. We played some music that my brother liked.
It was a completely non-religious event. The sister who organized it found a couple of really awesome opening and closing readings from secular texts.
The whole thing was short, meaningful, and had just enough structure to head off any “Now what do we do?” moment.
We did something similar with my parents’ ashes. We scattered them in the river at the park where they were engaged and at which we spent many family picnics. I second keeping it informal and inviting all those who want to speak of memories to do so. Also important to remind folks to think about things to say, since it is hard coming up with something on the spur of the moment. We were quite informal, but my eldest brother did act as MC to keep things co-ordinated.
We did have a few incidents that you may want to avoid. We did test the wind first, so we had no problems with wearing Mum & Dad home. But Dad had been in his urn for 3 years at this point, and he had … umm, settled. So while Mum flowed out nicely into the water, Dad was more stubborn. We had to go find a stick to loosen the ashes in his urn. I wish we had checked the contents before the critical moment. Still, Dad was always a little stubborn
And then when my brother dropped his cell phone in the water (rather ashy water at this point) … well, lets just say, don’t keep your cell phone in your breast pocket if you are going to be leaning over the water.
But all in all it was lovely to say goodbye to Mum and Dad in a place we all loved. And what family get together is complete without a few amusing anecdotes anyway? It is very nice to say “Hi” to Mum and Dad every time I visit that park with my kids.
Wind direction is important when throwing anything out of a boat. They may want to take something along for determining it. A lightweight piece of ribbon (or something) tied to a stick should do. The stick could also be used for getting ashes out of the urn, if needed.
Life jackets are also important, particularly if there are going to be young children on the boat. There should be enough life jackets for everybody. It probably wouldn’t be a bad idea to make any kids who aren’t known good swimmers wear theirs while they’re on the boat.
Everybody on board will need sunscreen and hats. Bug repellent would probably be a good idea, too.
Make sure somebody who’s not on the boat knows where they are going and when they should be back. At least one person on the boat should have a cell phone with them.
They’ll need to take plenty of water or other non-alcoholic beverages along. If they take alcoholic beverages, the person steering the boat shouldn’t have any, and nobody on board should get too intoxicated. Alcohol is the #1 cause of fatal boating accidents, according to the US Coast Guard. Steering a boat while under the influence of alcohol is illegal in some places. If they want to have an Irish-style wake, it’s best to save that for when they’re safely back on shore.
I have no experience with scattering ashes, but I’ve attended a couple funerals recently, (some of which were more awkward than others, )and noticed something about the structure of the events.
It is less awkward if, before actually doing whatever ceremony you choose, the pastor (or any other leader) first states clearly what is going to happen, who is going to do it, how long it will last, etc.
A simple statement like “First I will speak here, under the flowered awning, then Grandma will share her thoughts with us at the grave site , which is a 10 minute walk down this path” really helped.
Maybe:
"We’ll sail for an hour, to reach the point where we can perform the ceremony for our grandfather. .Once we arrive, Bob and Jane will share their emotions and their memories with us. Then we will pass the urn from hand to hand, starting with the youngest, Tommy, and on till grandma Mary opens the lid and returns her husband’s remains to this place he loved. Then I will say a few words,.and we will , I hope, feel that these ten minutes together will stay with us as good memories for the long ride back to the dock., and for many years after.
I work on a charter boat and we occasionally do ash scattering trips. I second this advice, particularly about the wind direction and strength, and the condition of the container. The first scattering we did was awkward as the family was unable to open the sealed container. We ended up loaning an oil spout and a winch handle to get into it, which not only ruined the container but seemed kind of . . . jarring.
We also hand everyone on board a rose to throw after the ashes, and take a picture of the site (with the flowers floating) so the family can share it with people who couldn’t attend.
If there are going to be kids along, bring something for them to do on the boat ride. Kids get bored easily, and bored kids are good at finding something to do. Problem is, the things they find to do might not be respectful or safe. If you don’t feel that kids playing on the boat ride would be sufficiently respectful, bring something quiet like books or puzzle/activity books along.
Make sure everybody who will be scattering ashes knows to throw the ashes only off the lee (downwind) side of the boat.
Anyone with long hair should tie it back. On a sailboat, there’s lots of stuff that long hair can get snagged in. On any kind of boat, untied long hair is likely to whip you in the face.
The dress code should include sensible shoes for boating, which means top-siders or sneakers. Not the kind of shoes you would normally wear at a formal funeral.
