Both TokyoPlayer and Sunrazor have excellent points.
And so we’re back to taking responsibility. You’ve made your personal decision, and it conflicts with your boyfriend’s personal decision. You’re now at an impasse where your views of what is honorable are mutually exclusive. What you do with that information is entirely up to you, but to castigate your boyfriend for not adhering to your wishes (while refusing to adhere to his) is unfair. Assuming he’s using his culture as some sort of dodge is also unfair at best.
As others have pointed out, you are as much a prisoner of your culture as he is of his. You both are operating under a set of assumptions of what the right course of action is and you are both limited in what you see the options are.
Since when does following your culture equal doing the right thing? While it’s paramount to understand the reasons why Ken chose his course of action, one shouldn’t be forced to agree with it because it’s his cultural standard. I personally feel the Japanese way of handling this kind of unwanted pregnancy is terrible, and while I dont hate Ken nor think that you should castigate him, as he was doing the honorable thing in his mind, I refuse to say that his actions are excusable because of it.
Unfortunately, like TokyoPlayer and others said, you’re most likely shit out of luck. You’re in my thoughts.
Wanted to say this, though I think it’s ridiculous to assume each partner in an international (is there a better word than this? I don’t necessarily mean interracial) relationship is going to research the other’s viewpoints on every matter, including birth control. Heck, some (stupid) married couples don’t even know what the other’s views are on child-rearing. He obviously didn’t know that she wasn’t ready to get married or have an abortion if she got pregnant.
And their viewpoints and morals may have seemed in sync up until that point. Sometimes it takes a serious situation draw out someone’s deep seated beliefs (or, occasionally, prejudices) to come out, though one hardly needs to be dating a foreigner. I’ve known guys who’ve dated laid back feminists who want a shotgun wedding after getting pregnant accidentally, seemingly liberal parents who’ve forbid their daughter from marrying outside their race, and women who’ve seen ostensibly non-religious Jewish men only to be told that they could ‘never get married’ (yes, shades of Sex and the City).
I have to say that this statement bothers me a bit. This may be a bit off topic, but I am going to do my best to make my point here.
It seems to me that this whole movement of cultural relativism is kind of paternalistic in and of itself. Like at what point do people from other cultures bear some responsibility for accommodating our norms. Like we don’t give a shit if we see the soles of your feet, could care less if you eat with you left had are really wish that you would stand a civilized distance when talking to us.
Forgot to add that I feel for the OP, and whatever else is going on not having any support from the father just plain sucks. Hopefully her family and friends can more than make up for that. (And from personal experience, half-Asian babies are beyond gorgeous.)
While I actually would support an ‘opt out’ contract for fathers (as has been debated on the Dope), it shouldn’t exist until birth control is safe and effective and abortions are accessible, free and without stigma. And, as with this situation and the instances I mentioned in my last post, when you’re in a real relationship and have a real problem (e.g. unplanned pregnancy), hiding behind hypotheticals and grand cultural mores is pretty shitty.
I have to agree with Autolycus. Cultural relativism is all well and good, but this aspect of Asian culture is always something I have despised. Abandoning your child because it’s “dishonorable” to acknowledge it without the seal of marriage is not okay. You were part of the process - take some kind of responsibility! Last time I checked it wasn’t “honorable” to have sex before marriage either. Gah. It’s a prejudice that comes from obsolete ideas of Confucian family values and one that I wouldn’t mind seeing disappearing from Asian culture altogether.
I hope you can find a professional counselor who has experience with cross-cultural relationships. Ideally you would both go, but if that’s not possible, just go yourself. Especially if you plan on keeping the baby, rather than giving it up for adoption, developing good insight about cross-cultural issues will be important for your child’s healthy development.
Thanks everyone for your ideas and opinions. I was just so frustrated last night and it all came to a head, hence the bitterness and anger. I just want to say, I don’t hate him. I am very VERY angry with him and upset that he’s done this, but I don’t hate him. It’s not really in my personality to hate a person enough to do something to hurt them (ie tell his family). Reading your responses just enforced about everything I already knew or suspected. I’m basically sol.
Some of you are saying that it’s my fault (or both of ours) for not researching or talking about our views on this matter before sex. In an perfect world, that would have been a happened. But in reality, noone does that, not even couples from the same culture. I do agree though that these things should be discussed before marriage and/or a planned pregnancy. Our arguments before the pregnancy were indeed about my ‘role’ in the relation ship. Mainly me saying ‘no’ to sex. Apparently in Japan (per him, might be BS) ‘no’ means yes. There were a whole bunch of issues and when I said we fought a lot, it was daily. I was about ready to break it off when the news came. In my mind, entering into a marriage like that would do more harm to a child than being in a ‘broken’ family. Unfortunately, he didn’t agree.
I’m just waiting for him to go back to Japan so I can move on. The more I think about it, the happier I am about the pregnancy. Yes, it’s going to be hard but my entire family is within walking distance and everyone’s extremely supportive. With such a strong family group, I’m sure the child will have a happy, supportive environment. Of course there’s the underlying stress at having to explain to them about their father. But that won’t be for years, so I have time to figure it out.
I just wanted to post to say that while it may be his culture that he will either be married to you and therefore the child’s father, or he will not be a father at all (because to be an unwed father would be dishonorable), there is no reason you have to honor a choice that is not required or even reasonable under your culture.
So the idea that he could just tell you to tell your child that he (the child’s father) is dead is IMO unmitigated horseshit. The child has a father and is entitled to know who that person is. If it were me, I would want this person to understand that (a) I will be pursuing my child-support options both in the U.S. and in Japan, however limited they may be; and (b) I will be telling my child who his/her father is, so he (the father) had better be thinking about how he is going to explain to the child in 15 or 20 years the decision to be completely absent from the child’s life. I would not want my child to think that I made the decision to deprive him or her of a father.
Best of luck in a very difficult situation, and congratulations on what sounds like a happy event despite the circumstances.
Thudlow already pointed out the contextual point, but also as I see it: the OP already sees her child as just that, her child. When speaking to her about the fetus inside of her, it makes the most sense to refer to it as her child because that is how she views it.
(I know that-- personally-- the moment I find out I’m pregnant will be the moment I have a child in me, legal-ese be damned. And hell, I’m as pro choice as they come).
Fair enough. I’m bowing out of this thread. I’d be completely irresponsible & insensitive for me to stay. My beliefs about this belong in different threads, not this one.
