In case you’re still reading, levdragon, my paragraph was not drafted with any larger issue of women’s rights or “when does life begin?” in mind. If you feel it is more appropriate to rephrase the sentence in the future tense or even the conditional tense, feel free to do so. My point was merely that, assuming the child is born and she keeps it, the father’s obligations does not turn on what he (the father) would like them to be – not in our culture, under our legal system anyway. You may want to take issue with that larger point – which, hey, fine with me – but please don’t infer that I was stepping into that argument, because I wasn’t.
Geez, some of the replies here seem downright mean to me. Did this thread get moved from the Pit? If not, I think it is pretty low for some of you to be so judgemental of someone who is clearly dealing with a difficult and emotional issue. Way to kick someone when she’s down.
Anyway, Obligate Carnivore, I’m sorry to hear that Ken’s cowardly behavior is putting a damper on what should be a joyful time for you. Personally, I commend you for standing your ground and not letting him talk you into a decision you wouldn’t have been comfortable with (I know my share of people who’ve married for the wrong reasons and have had abortions for the wrong reasons and ended up regretting it).
I don’t know enough about the legal aspects of child support to give any real advice. Perhaps once he has had a chance to calm down and accept the situation he’ll realize that taking care of his kid is the truly honorable thing to do. You never know, maybe his conscience will get to him sooner or later.
In any case, congrats on your baby, who I’m sure will bring you a lot more joy than whatever Ken ends up wasting the money on instead.
Adoption seems like the best choice in this situation.
The OP sounds like she’s about college age. Especially without child support, it would likely be very difficult for her to independently care for the child.
That would be HIS responsibility, if he did so.
It is still that way in many American families. Traditions say if you make a mistake, you do the right thing and you get married. A child deserves to be legitimate. If the OP doesn’t think she will be looked down upon for having a bastard child, she is deceiving herself about how tolerant America really is.
A few more comments.
Abortion is common here and is still one of the leading forms of birth control.
Unless this guy has other serious issues, the chance of a Japanese guy killing himself over an issue like this is close to zero.
Also, telling the parents is likely to have the same percentage chance of changing anything. The problem is that he did what his culture expected him to do. She then refused, which then wipes away his responsibility in his and his parents eyes. Contacting his parents won’t change anything. They would ask him, he would say that he wanted to get married, but she refused and then they would say *shogania[/] which translated into something like “there’s nothing you can do then.”
This isn’t the prettiest aspect of Japanese culture, but it doesn’t look like Ken is going to change this one.
This isn’t just an Asian problem. After all three Pacific wars which America was involved in the last 60 years, there have been problems with American solders having children and then abandoning them.
Why do you say that? I’ve already stated I have the support of my family. No offense, but you really have no clue about what my financial state is right now. Just because I talked about child support doesn’t mean I have no means of supporting a child by myself. FYI, I’m not college age, I wish I was lol I’ll be 30 next year.
And funny enough, he finally called me again. You know why? When we first started dating he had two copies of a PC game (Age of Empires 3 for the curious). One was English the other Japanese. So he gave me the English one. Well it seems he wants it back because he ‘needs’ it. Whatever. I didn’t feel like another fight so I just said fine.
Actually, people do discuss such things before having sex. Even people from the same culture, background, hometown, amazingly. I wouldn’t have sex with someone if I hadn’t discussed the possible outcomes of the act, previously.
I opted to become a single mother, but I never asked for nor expected anything from the child’s biological father. When I found I was pregnant, we made the relationship limp along for a few more months, but I was on my own after that. He doesn’t want to be involved, and I don’t want him involved.
My only suggestion is that you make sure you have as much information about the father as you can get. Write it down, store it in several places. You might not be able to collect chilc support now, but things may be different 10 years from now. If you have his full name, place of residence, parents’ names, any sort of state-issued ID numbers, etc., it can only help down the line. And if your child wishes to meet him or his parents some day, you’ll have information that will help in locating them. And a medical history, if you can get it, is certainly a good thing. You might think that you could never forget “Ken’s” real name, but time and circumstances have a way of blurring memories.
Good luck and congratulations. May your child be happy and healthy.
StG
Every now and again someone will say, “We even went double Dutch!”. I’m sure you’ll come back around to talk about your BC methods but, please. If you’re sexually active you know what the result can be. You haven’t said one word about whether or not you wanted a child; you haven’t said anything about birth control.
I think that the only thing you’re pissy about is that you’re preggers and your man (quelle suprise!) has bailed. And you’re shocked? Shouldn’t you have been shocked when he refused to wear a condom? Shouldn’t you have been shocked when you “forgot” to take a pill? Shouldn’t you have been shocked a long time before the rabbit died? You’re only pissed now cos the dead rabbit is going across the Pacific.
And you’re blaming his attitude on CULTURE? Oh, boo hoo. Do the dance, pay the piper.
wanagasan - Actually, Obligate Carnivore did say she’d been using birth control.
Whether she did it incorrectly, or should’ve used a duplicate method, at least she thought she was doing the right thing.
StG
Wow. Another vote for some very inappropriate replies upthread. Including yours, wanagasan, especially since you didn’t read very carefully:
You know what, Obligate Carnivore I say forget him. Congratulations on your wanted pregnancy and I’m certain you have a lot of joy ahead of you. It’s his loss.
I think what wanagasan was so bitchily saying was that OC accidentally-on-purpose forgot to take the pill, to get pregnant. Why she’d then reject his offer to marry, I have no idea, unless our grouchy guest is claiming she just wanted him as a sperm donor and child support payer.
wanagasan, as others have pointed out I was on birth control. I had been using the patch for a month or so before meeting him to help with some hormonal issues. When I went to Planned Parenthood they told me that it was less effective in women over a certain weight. I was over that weight but the 5-8% failure rate didn’t seem like that big of a risk to me. As is very apparent now, I was wrong. I’m not blaming him for the pregnancy. I’m not blaming myself. Precautions were taken. Extra precautions wouldn’t have hurt but we didn’t take them. We’re both to ‘blame’ but the difference is I’m taking responsibility and he’s refusing to, using his culture as a reason.
After talking to a friend who had something eerily similar happen in her family (and from helpful posts here), I’m slowly starting to realize just how deeply ingrained culture tradition are on the Japanese people. Still, I don’t feel it absolves him of his responsibilities, but it will certainly make things easier when I explain about the lack of a father to my child in the future.
All of which, of course, negates my last sentence. The OP decided to have sex without, apparently, considering the resultant ramifications. Dance, pay.
I don’t know whether this is also true for the patch, but any time I started on hormonal birth control pills they told me that I should treat the first three months as if I weren’t on them, as effectiveness was not as high in those months. (Cumulative effect?)
Either way, you’ve got quite a mess to deal with, and I’m not going to comment on the situation between you and the ex.
Dear OP: Things aren’t going to be great, but they’re going to be okay. ((Obligate Carnivore))
Have never heard anything beyond using a back-up method for the first week (or if you’re on antibiotics).
I was told to use a backup for the first month.
A failure rate of 5-8% is ghastly. My wife is on the patch, and her doctor and the literature concur that the rate is 1% or less. I would never be able to live with 5-8%. I wonder if “Ken” really knew the risk.