Just got informed by Mrs. Bluepony that Kidpony #2, due sometime first part of August, is now happily in the breech position. I asked her why Kidpony #2 is already defying parents with this antisocial behavior.
She told me that the doctors will try to move Kidpony #2 to proper position. My ignorance of things not relating to work, sports, cartoons and beer began to rear its ugly head, at this point. I asked what kind of shots and/or drugs are given to make Kidpony #2 magically align himself into proper download position.
Mrs. Bluepony laughs at my pathetic understanding of female anatomy (something that has often kept 2 ex-wives and several old girlfriends in stitches in my 40 years of existence). She tells me that she has to be held down while the doctor pushes the kid around with a procedure or techniques akin to trying to fold a tennis ball in half.
In my line of work, I have seen some pretty grisly things which do not bother me the slightest now. I ran screaming out of the doctor’s office, thankful I didn’t have anything in my stomach to puke my guts out with. Ladies (mommies) my hat’s off to you. I think I’ll go hug my mom today, as an extra bonus.
Somewhere along the line, men and seahorses got together and did some negotiating with God. I think the seahorses agreed that their males would bear the children while we got cursed with having the major part of our brains dangling between our legs. The next seahorse I run across gets a beer, or pitcher, or keg from me. On the freakin’ house…
… but I think I’m missing something here. Plenty of stuff about childbirth makes me go all pale and hyperventilate, but this isn’t one of them.
Am I reading you wrong? Aren’t we just talking about somebody sort of pushing and turning the baby so it’s head is down and feet are up? Granted, having a stranger poke and squish you isn’t fun, but it seems like a drop in the bucket compared to all the other stuff the weaker sex (didja catch the irony?) has to go through to complete the reproductive process. (A friend of mine had a caesarian section recently … every time she said anything about it I got this strange pain on my belly … my belt must have been pinching me or something…)
I’ve been speaking with Mrs. Cynical about this, which might be the way it goes for us.
From what she and the doctor have described, it is pretty damn painful. Mrs. C. Insists that if it is that, or a caesarean section, she’ll take the C-section.
I would have guess they would have put PregnantPony into one of those Nasa weightless seats and just kind of spun her around until EmbryoPony got his/her stuff together.
I’m not an obstetrician, but that seems a little over the top to me. Babies often don’t turn until later in the pregnancy.
I’ve heard that trying to turn the baby manually can be dangerous, too. It’s very hard to tell exactly where the baby is. If I were your wife, I’d wait. There are some gentler things that can be done–walking sometimes encourages babies to turn. She can also try some of these things:
I’ve always been of the opinion that giving birth is a lot easier than it looks, and all that screaming, yelling and turning purple is just a plot to make people feel sorry for the mother.
I’ve already told my fiancée that I plan on handling childbirth the old-fashioned way: I’ll be out with the guys in the closest bar having a drink and watching TV while she’s in the delivery room. My fiancée then hit me in the stomach (this is getting to be a far too frequent habit of hers.)
Hope everything works out for Mrs. Pony and Kidpony. :::shudder::: What really gets to me is that she has to be big and pregnant all through this terrible hot summer. Give her a great big non-sweaty hug from me, okay?
Hey Boris, want to hear about the catheter I had to have with Kid#1? Or the 3+ hours of pushing? I’m always looking for an audience…
As for you Arnold: :wally
I’m glad to hear your fiancee is keeping you in line.
Please share, tatertot. Call me at 555-MASOCHIST and describe it in detail.
Catheter? Just the word makes me phreec out. In fact, I’m going to go get sterilized now just so’s I never inflect pregnancy on anyone. In order to be sterilized, they’ll just do a simple operation, involving an incision through the wall of the sac…
tatertot - My mother agrees with Arnie. After giving birth to 7 children, including two sets of twin, in 5 years, she was pretty laid back about it. And my sisters, who between them have given birth to 10 babies, all did each delivery without any anesthesia or epidural. My one sister went to the hospital at 10:00, after putting her son to bed, had the baby at midnight, and left at 8:00 AM with the baby. Her son didn’t even know she was gone. He woke up and there was his baby sister. She said she felt fine, and there was nothing the hospital could do for her that she couldn’t do for herself. BTW - the baby weighed 10 1/2 lbs.
Good luck with this pregnancy, BTW. You’re in my prayers, and the baby, too.
I was there when Ry was born. I was doing fine until the doctor performed the episiotomy (mom felt no pain due to the epidural).
Hoo boy. I felt beads of sweat forming on my forehead…usually that’s a sign that I’m about to review my latest comestibles. Luckily for me, my son was born moments later, and that distracted me.
:::standing at attention and saluting male seahorses everywhere:::
Hey, thanks everyone for the advice and/or input, apparantly there is still time for Kidpony to wise up, straighten up and fly right. My wife’s not too perturbed about it, so I guess I can quit heaving for now.
Cher, great website that you gave me, I emailed it to my wife at her workplace. I especially liked the last suggestion about the flashlight. Sorta reminded me of Carrie Ann in Poltergeist— “Don’t go into the light!!” If Kidpony keeps being antisocial, I’ve got a good police-issue halogen alley light that should make that little bugger turn.
Arnold, my friend, good luck on attempting to skip out to the nearest bar, munching Goldfish and hoisting a few brewskis. It is at this point in this delicate process we call childbirth that the father’s sole purpose in life is to be a target for all kinds of horrible accusations and character defamations (some of it true) as the mother bear roars in her agony. This is her payback for the nine or ten months of sheer HELL we (us guys) have put her through. This is a painful lesson I learned with the arrival of Kidpony #1, three years ago. But, if you can figure a way to do it, please let me know!
I’m definitely not known as an whale singing, tree-hugging, PETA-humping vegan, but if anyone even thinks about screwing around with seahorses, they’re gonna have to go through me!!
Hey, BluePony, if your wife isn’t in a dither you can relax. Never having experienced childbirth myself (and after reading this, grateful for it), my input is worth less than empty beer can. At least you can recycle that.
But having served once–and never again, thank you very much–as a “birth coach”, seems to me the main function is generalized encouragment and understanding when the laboring mom cusses a blue streak. (Have you read Dave Barry on this?) Of course, being female, I’m not in the role of having planted the seed, so maybe the guilt quotient is different.
But the real miracle of birth seems to be the incredible focus and drive in delivering the new life. In some ways the mom has it easier, because every tiniest bit of her is collected into birthing. But the neatest part is she’s still uniquely individual. That’s where I think it’s great to have support and love. Whether it’s cussing or groaning or whatever, sheer presence helps.
No, nothing you can say or do will really make much difference. But just being there possibly can.
All the best to you and the whole Blue family,
Veb
