Seasonal family drama

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

So. Last week my mother calls me up to see what I think of the fabulous gift she plans to get my son for Christmas…a drum kit! I told her that I didn’t think it was a very good idea. One, we don’t have any place to put it (it would take up most of the available floor space in the boy’s room). Two, it would be loud. Three, I don’t have the time, inclination, or money to provide the boy with lessons. So, thanks, I know he’d love it, but no thanks.

This weekend, the children went to visit my mother. When my husband and I came to pick them up, Mom drew us both aside to show us a picture of the drum set she’d ordered for the boy. “So what do you think?” The boy was in the same room with us, so it wasn’t the proper time to give our honest reactions." I said, “I think it’s too late.” My husband said pointedly, “Where are you going to put it?” Mom laughed.

Before we left, Mom coaxed us both to go next door, where my uncle lives. My uncle, the musician. He’s been showing the boy a few things on the drums, and the boy gave us a demonstration. Very nice, we all clapped and praised him, then went home. However, we didn’t have a very pleasant evening, since my husband was nearly too angry to speak, and I was none too pleased myself about how we were being railroaded into this. After the kids went to bed, I called Mom back and asked her to cancel the order.

To put it mildly, it did not go well. Screaming, tears, guilt. I’m selfish, I’m denying my son opportunities, didn’t I see the pride in his face when he played for us? As she railed on, I felt my Christmas spirit trickle away down the inside of my leg.

Long story short, she agreed to cancel the order. Now I feel like the Grinch, because it really was a beautiful drum kit, and the boy would have loved it. Maybe I should have kept my mouth shut. No, then I’ve got a pissed-off husband and a noisy, cluttered house. Well, hell. I don’t think I could have won this one either way. :frowning:

2

I think the only reason why you should (and, being a reasonable person, did) refrain from smacking Mom with the drum kit is that it would have been Cruelty To Drum Kits.

One of my uncles gave me a guitar for First Communion. Never got lessons though, so a pile of books, a couple of puzzles, or even some film for the camera I got from another uncle would have been much more enjoyable.

3

Our local radio and TV stations are imploring Christmas shoppers NOT to buy surprise pets for friends and family without first taking all the associated baggage into consideration, to first engage in a rational pros and cons discussion with all responsibilities addressed. I hardly see how a drum set could be any different. Besides the money and space, it’s going to be a HUGE imposition on the peace, quiet and relative sanity of any household. If someone wants to give it as a present, and yeah it’s an awesome present, they also need to provide, or at least allow for, an appropriate place to play it. Is keeping it at the musician uncle’s place an option?

4

Sadly, Dung Beetle, that’s the kind of argument you’re never going to win. You either say “no” to your mother and son, or upset your husband and never have a tidy quiet home again.

I must admit if I were in your position, I’d tell mother that she could go ahead and order the drumkit and that your son would come round to her place and play it. You have already said that you don’t have room for it at home, your husband doesn’t want it, you don’t want it and you know it would cause tensions in the family.

Everything points to you being right so don’t beat yourself up about it. Your mother should have been more considerate towards you and your family before she went ahead with her plan.

5

Your mother overstepped her bounds on this one. An alternate, to keep peace in the family, is for her to give him a Practice drum set. The “heads” are a soft, rubbery material. They are set up like an actual drum set, but take MUCH less space and the sound is more of a “tapping” than drumming. Now…you don’t get the same response as a regular drum skin, but for practicing rudiments, it’s perfect. You won’t be bothered, the space problem is solved, and it’s not a big deal if the thrill wears off after a few months.

http://www.jacksmusicstore.com/catalog/percussion/drum-sets/pcs-dms-a~tko_ps2d

There is a cheaper model, as well.

I know it’s not a perfect solution (perfect would be if she respected your wishes in the first place!) but it is a workable alternative. Good luck.

Signed,
Kalhoun (daughter and sister of guys who didn’t use practice sets)

6

My mom and uncle live fifty miles away. Sure, we visit, but sometimes those visits are pretty widely spaced. They also don’t have room for the drum kit.

I may suggest it when we get back to speaking again. She wasn’t really open to compromise last night.

Thanks for letting me vent here!

7

What’s your basement situation like? How old is your son?

8

No basement, and the boy is ten.

9

Man, that sucks. It is amazing how inconsiderate other folks can be when it comes to giving your kids presents. When ours were young, it seemed like the in-laws never missed an opportunity to give something that needed several batteries to be loud and annoying.

One of my parenting mantras is that no money spent on music is poorly spent. Having said that, I’m VERY glad none of my kids had any desire to go into percussion. Not sure what we would have done if they had. Having been in a band for a while, I can attest that drums are SO damn loud.

At one point we got my son a practice pad and sticks, to see if he was interested. But he never picked them up.

I would never spring for a full drumkit until a kid showed that he was going to work at it and stick with it. If anything, I would start with a very small/basic kit - bass, tom, snare - which would help with the floorspace issue.

Is this something he has been begging for for a long time, or did your mom just come up with this great idea on her own. Could he set it up in the garage?

If he has long expressed an interest in drums, I’d try to figure out a way to make it work. And the lessons could wait a while, especially if he could hook up with his uncle every month or so.

But if this is just something he thinks is good becasue your mom brought it up, then I’d have little difficulty saying “Not this year.”

Sorry I couldn’t be more help.

10

If your son had asked you for the drumset, and demonstrated a sincere interest in learning to play the drums, I’d be kinda disappointed if you couldn’t work something out, just to maintain a quiet, uncluttered home. BUT, that’s not the situation. And your son asking you because your mom put him up to it would also not be the same situation.

When I was a kid there was a lady who would give kids piano lessons, even if they didn’t have a piano at home to practice. She said so many kids didn’t practice anyway, that it didn’t make a lot of difference. Maybe there is a similar option available with someone who teaches drum lessons in your area? Also, I just saw something in the paper (Target ad?) with an electronic drum set that you could listen to on headphones rather than make “real” noise. Of course, your son might go deaf…

I grew up with a cousin who taught himself electric guitar, so I know there is sacrifice involved, but ultimately musical ability does bring people a lot of satisfaction, so I hope this story has a happy resolution. I am glad you stood up to your mom, too, because she did cross a line and should have backed down once she got the slightest indication that no, you weren’t OK w/ the drumset.

11

Bummer. A basement and a short attention span would go a long way towards making this be a good gift. Our seven year old generally only plays his drums for no more than five minutes at a time - not quite long enough to get really annoying. My 10 year old nephew takes lessons and practices as he’s supposed to. In both cases, a basement really helps.

12

Wow! Your mom is being really unreasonable. She should have listened to your wishes the first time you told her not to do it. To go ahead and order the drum kit after that first conversation and then pitch a fit when you were upset is just awful. If she sincerely feels that your son enjoys the drums and wants to give it a try, she should get him one of the smaller practice kits that are everywhere. Maybe she could spring for lessons, checking with you first to see if you would be able to take him.

My mom got our son an electric guitar last Christmas, but she asked me first if it was a good idea. She wouldn’t have followed through if I disagreed. I’m his mother and she (luckily) defers to my wishes. Your mom may be your mom, but what you say goes in YOUR home. She’s not in charge there - you and your husband are.

I hope you’re able to patch things up soon. Stick to your guns. We’re here for you.

Merry Christmas! :slight_smile:

13

Seems like most of the bagpipe bands I know of are forever looking for drummers. 99% of the practice can be done on a rubber table-top pad. I don’t know if there is a teaching band on the ball or not.

It’s not rock and roll, but the scottish rudiments are the foundation for all drumming.

14

If she is anything like my fiancee’s mother, she may have ordered the drum kit first and then afterwards, called to say “So… what would you think about us getting your son a drum kit for Christmas?”

She has a very bad habit of asking permission or consulting with others after she has already made significant purchase or committed herself to an activity.

15

I just talked to Mom. She’s sounding a lot saner today, and we’re going to talk about some alternatives.

You guys have been so supportive and helpful today! I’m feeling much better than when I got up this morning. I’ll be sure to let you know when I get my next chance to ride the Guilt Coaster. :slight_smile:

16

I’ve got two words for you.
Practice Pads.
They take up less room than a drum kit and make less noise, while they do allow practice and give a pretty good feel for your young drummer.

17

Wow - in my family we use “buying your kids drums for Christmas” as a joking punishment. I have kept every loud, annoying toy that my brother has given my son and will return them with glee when he has a kid (potato sack racer elmo, I’m looking at you).
I can’t imagine buying something that will take up a significant amount of room and make lots of noise without the permission of the parents first. It’s presumptious at best, rude at worst. Don’t feel guilty for a minute.

18

I did percussion in the school band when I was a kid. Mom let me rent the xylophone I needed (you played that for a year then progressed to the snare) but I did not get to rent a snare. I got a practice pad instead and used the real drum at school. The xylophone was not really loud and the noise was nice compared to banging out Wipeout on a drum. My roommate’s ex had a drum kit in his apartment and it was SO LOUD. He was good too, but I couldn’t stand to listen for too long in the small apartment. When I bought a guitar in high school, I got a practice amp but mom and dad wouldn’t let me crank it when they were home. I did it unplugged or with headphones when they were home. Luckily for them, I sucked at it and sold it to buy a camera instead. :slight_smile:

Practice pads are a good alternative, small and mine could be disassembled and folded under the bed. If he does express interest in learning, maybe he could join the school band or take lessons instead. Buying a drum kit with no experience seems odd to me - it’s a big, loud purchase for someone young that doesn’t know how to play.

19

You gotta start somewhere. My dad praticed on pots and pans when he was a kid. His father finally bought him a complete set.

My son and I lived upstairs from my brother. His band practiced at deafening levels three or four days a week. That was harder than simple drum practice.

20

When my daughter was a toddler, my ex-wife and I drove the three of us 1000 miles to the in-laws for Christmas. My daughters uncle bought her a HUGE play-in house made of dozens of heavy plastic pieces. Of course, it had to be set up right away, and when it was time to leave, no one could figure out how to get the pieces back in the box and be able to close it up (including grandpa, a professor of archaeology who can put pottery together from a million shattered pieces).

It would never fit in the car anyway, so I had to go to a packing store, pay to get it packed, and ship it across country. That process cost way more than the toy did originally. I was extremely pissed off.

Of course once it was set up in her room, taking up most of the space, she got first bored and then annoyed at it, and it got thown in various plastic bags and stuffed on shelves in the garage.

I hated this thing so much that I began putting one or two panels in the garbage every week until it was all gone. No one ever noticed.