Seeking advice for my troubled, adopted daughter

[jayrey]

@Becky2844

Even most adults find forgiveness hard to do. Maybe if she’s allowed to express the anger she feels she won’t be turning it onto herself. She’s got a lot to be mad about. If she knows her birth mother is hesitant about meeting her, welp—kicked to the curb again. And being the same age now as her birth mother was when she gave her away, she may be asking herself if she would make the same choices. Teenagers already question themselves a lot and she’s got a heaping helping of questioning everything.

Unconditional love, if you can do it; let her worry her anger like a bone in safe ways like talking about it, not acting it out. IMHO she needs individual therapy and some family therapy too could help everybody get through this. And can’t you bad-mouth the situation without trashing the mother? I know it would make me feel better if my mom cared enough to feel anger on my behalf.

My birth mother had three kids and I was the middle child. The only one she put up for adoption. I’m still pissed.

I do not have any experience with adoption but I think **Becky2844 **makes an excellent point here. Your dear daughter has been rejected (in her mind, at least) twice now. She does have a lot to be angry about and I don’t think she can find her way to forgiveness until she safely vents that anger. Yes, definitely find her a therapist, if possible. one who has worked with adoptees before. The school pyschologist, hopefully, is not your only option. You may have to turn over quite a few rocks to find the right person to help her but it will be worth it. Best of luck to you and your family.

[Leaper]

@Dangerosa

If her birth mother was facing addiction challenges, perhaps something like Al-Anon (or the one for teens where the name is escaping me) would help?

How would this be known either way? Does anyone give out that kind of information? I can’t imagine that they would, but then, I know little about adoption as well.

[sisu]

I have no practical knowledge but your view on seeing counseling as an investment is spot on. We all have demons and sometimes talking it out with an outsider is what is needed.

[Nava]

A way to vent rage in a safe way that’s very popular in my area is martial arts. It provides a safe evironment, there are enough variants that there’s pretty much one for everybody, and the choice between competing on fights, on katas or not at all also fits different people.

[Quartz]

@Athabasca

To approach this with our teenager, we have counselled her to forgive her birth mom and to try to see what is beneficial in her own life.

Might it also be worth pointing out how courageous her birth-mother was to recognise that she wasn’t able to bring up her daughter and give her up for adoption?

[sandra_nz]

My heart goes out to your daughter and to you and the rest of your family. She reminds me a lot of myself at that age, although I was adopted from birth.

I got through it, things got better, I am a happy balanced productive adult. By 18, I realised that the two parents I already had were plenty (heheh!), and decided I didn’t need to look any further. That was the right decision for me, but of course it is up to each individual to make their own decisions.

I wonder, do you know any other adopted children of a similar age? I actually grew up with several family friends who were adopted, and it really helped me to talk to them and see how they had some of the same issues as me. It also helped to see that they different issues too, as it made me realise that my problems were not only related to being adopted.

[Athabasca]

@sisu

I have no practical knowledge but your view on seeing counseling as an investment is spot on. We all have demons and sometimes talking it out with an outsider is what is needed.

@Nava

A way to vent rage in a safe way that’s very popular in my area is martial arts. It provides a safe evironment, there are enough variants that there’s pretty much one for everybody, and the choice between competing on fights, on katas or not at all also fits different people.

@Quartz

Might it also be worth pointing out how courageous her birth-mother was to recognise that she wasn’t able to bring up her daughter and give her up for adoption?

Thanks for that feedback. We are taking our daughter to a psychologist, and my husband and I are also receiving counselling

For venting of anger, martial arts or any intense physical exercise is a good idea. She is a stubborn little thing though and resists suggestions. However, we keep trying.

Yes we have said that we felt birth mom made a difficult choice and a courageous one, motivated by love.

[Dangerosa]

@Leaper

How would this be known either way? Does anyone give out that kind of information? I can’t imagine that they would, but then, I know little about adoption as well.

Sometimes, and almost certainly with a kid coming out of the foster care system, you will be told. The daughter was in the foster care system for a reason…it might be that mom didn’t have the emotional capacity to care for her. It might be that she didn’t have the financial resources and was on the street. But kids are often pulled into the foster care system because of physical abuse and/or drug/alcohol abuse by birth mom or a male in the child’s life. And you generally know why the child was put in foster care.

Its much rarer to know in the case of international adoption - but domestic adoptions the birth mother will - at the very least - be asked to self report drug and alcohol use during pregnancy. Even if the adoption was planned all along and the foster care system never got involved.

(And, OP, its none of our business why birthmom gave her up - this isn’t hunting for a share. That is HER story. But Ala-teen might help if that story does involve drugs or alcohol. If you are working with an adoption specific therapist or talk to social services, they may even know of an Ala-teen group with this scenario in mind. Its a different set of issues than living with an alcoholic parent).

[Spiff]

My wife and I also have an adopted teen-age daughter who is going through a very difficult adolescence.

She was a cutter, and has tried to kill herself twice. She’s much better now, but struggles to control her anger, which her mother and I (and her therapist) believe to be a reaction to her depression.

She does experience abandonment issues, i.e., if we ever deny her anything, or say that she can’t do something, she will in her mind believe that if we were her real parents, she would get everything she wanted and be allowed to do anything she wanted.

She suffers from ODD, which I have posted about before on the SDMB.

My advice to you is to get you and your daughter in to see a counselor who does DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy).

DBT has helped us a lot, and has – along with some psychiatric medications – allowed our daughter to manage her life a lot better. And we have become better parents by using the skills taught in group DBT sessions.

Please investigate DBT, as it may be the help you need.

[Athabasca]

@Spiff

My wife and I also have an adopted teen-age daughter who is going through a very difficult adolescence.

She was a cutter, and has tried to kill herself twice. She’s much better now, but struggles to control her anger, which her mother and I (and her therapist) believe to be a reaction to her depression.

She does experience abandonment issues, i.e., if we ever deny her anything, or say that she can’t do something, she will in her mind believe that if we were her real parents, she would get everything she wanted and be allowed to do anything she wanted.

She suffers from ODD, which I have posted about before on the SDMB.
My advice to you is to get you and your daughter in to see a counselor who does DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy).

DBT has helped us a lot, and has – along with some psychiatric medications – allowed our daughter to manage her life a lot better. And we have become better parents by using the skills taught in group DBT sessions.

Please investigate DBT, as it may be the help you need.

Thanks for your insights, Spiff. I will follow up on DBT.

[Athabasca]

@sandra_nz

My heart goes out to your daughter and to you and the rest of your family. She reminds me a lot of myself at that age, although I was adopted from birth.

I got through it, things got better, I am a happy balanced productive adult. By 18, I realised that the two parents I already had were plenty (heheh!), and decided I didn’t need to look any further. That was the right decision for me, but of course it is up to each individual to make their own decisions.

I wonder, do you know any other adopted children of a similar age? I actually grew up with several family friends who were adopted, and it really helped me to talk to them and see how they had some of the same issues as me. It also helped to see that they different issues too, as it made me realise that my problems were not only related to being adopted.

Thanks for your perspective, Sandra. We are trying to find a local peer support group of adopted children.

[minor7flat5]

No answer to the question, but I do understand what it feels like to be the parent.

Our daughter went through this very same phase at 16 or so. She spent her entire sixteenth year crying all day long at school.

She had happily lived her life up to that point not really caring why she didn’t live with her mother and father, but then suddenly she began to suffer the feelings of rejection.
I think this is a process that must be faced and worked through by anyone not living with their natural parents, and perhaps sixteen is the time it hits.

She is a happy and well adjusted 21yo girl these days (as far as one can make such a statement without seeing into someone’s thoughts).

Her deep troubling period lasted about a year and then she came to terms with her life and moved on.

I hope that you are able to work with counseling to make things go easier.

[RivkahChaya]

@zut

I wonder if part of the issue is that you’ve emphasized that your daughter was “placed for adoption out of love and concern for her welfare.” First, that sends the message that when you love someone very much, you walk out of their lives and never come back - not something that you, who love your daughter also, want her to think.

Sometimes there just aren’t good answers. My uncle married into a Holocaust survivor family. Two children (the one who would become my uncle’s wife, and her brother), the youngest, were with the parents the whole time, and were very sick by the end of the war from malnutrition, and being in confined spaces with no sunlight for a couple of years. My aunt didn’t walk until she was four, and still has health problems. Two of her brothers died at Auschwitz. Her oldest sister was in a concentration camp where terrible things happened to her, but she survived.

Her middle sister was hidden with a German family, and sent to a boarding school with false papers as their niece. She was the safest and healthiest of all of them, and the whole time, their parents wished they could have a solution like that for all their children. But in the end, the one who was with to the German family (ultimately reunited) fared the worst emotionally. She always felt abandoned, and had problems with relationships as an adult. Even when leaving someone is the best choice for them, it can still be hurtful, and there just isn’t any way around that, I don’t think.

I don’t mean by that that I think your daughter’s situation is hopeless. It sounds like you are doing everything you can, and most importantly, admitting that there is a problem.

One thing to keep in mind is that adolescence is hard for everyone. Whatever issue you have in your life tends to blow up then. I think there’s a good chance that by doing everything you are doing now, your daughter will get through this, and when she’s an adult, things will settle down, just because that’s how life works in general.

And FWIW, part of the reason her birthmother doesn’t want to meet her now is that she knows how volatile the teenage years are-- also, the fact that the girl is the age she was when she had her may be haunting her a bit. I wouldn’t suggest those specific things to her, but as long as the birthmother has not said “Never,” you can tell her she can try again later.

Karate sounds good. Sometimes theater is a good outlet for teenagers as well. Does her school have an acting class she can take next year? You might also look for a support group for adoptees that she can attend without you (ie, something where most of the people are young, so you feel she’s safe there). No offense, but she may need “fresh ears,” and particularly ones from her side of the equation.

[Urbanredneck]

@RivkahChaya

Sometimes there just aren’t good answers. My uncle married into a Holocaust survivor family. Two children (the one who would become my uncle’s wife, and her brother), the youngest, were with the parents the whole time, and were very sick by the end of the war from malnutrition, and being in confined spaces with no sunlight for a couple of years. My aunt didn’t walk until she was four, and still has health problems. Two of her brothers died at Auschwitz. Her oldest sister was in a concentration camp where terrible things happened to her, but she survived.

Her middle sister was hidden with a German family, and sent to a boarding school with false papers as their niece. She was the safest and healthiest of all of them, and the whole time, their parents wished they could have a solution like that for all their children. But in the end, the one who was with to the German family (ultimately reunited) fared the worst emotionally. She always felt abandoned, and had problems with relationships as an adult. Even when leaving someone is the best choice for them, it can still be hurtful, and there just isn’t any way around that, I don’t think.

I don’t mean by that that I think your daughter’s situation is hopeless. It sounds like you are doing everything you can, and most importantly, admitting that there is a problem.

One thing to keep in mind is that adolescence is hard for everyone. Whatever issue you have in your life tends to blow up then. I think there’s a good chance that by doing everything you are doing now, your daughter will get through this, and when she’s an adult, things will settle down, just because that’s how life works in general.

And FWIW, part of the reason her birthmother doesn’t want to meet her now is that she knows how volatile the teenage years are-- also, the fact that the girl is the age she was when she had her may be haunting her a bit. I wouldn’t suggest those specific things to her, but as long as the birthmother has not said “Never,” you can tell her she can try again later.

Karate sounds good. Sometimes theater is a good outlet for teenagers as well. Does her school have an acting class she can take next year? You might also look for a support group for adoptees that she can attend without you (ie, something where most of the people are young, so you feel she’s safe there). No offense, but she may need “fresh ears,” and particularly ones from her side of the equation.

I’ve heard alot of Holocaust survivors went thru alot of “survivor’s guilt”. Tthat sounds alot like what happened to the middle daughter.

[Nava]

@RivkahChaya

Karate sounds good. Sometimes theater is a good outlet for teenagers as well. Does her school have an acting class she can take next year? You might also look for a support group for adoptees that she can attend without you (ie, something where most of the people are young, so you feel she’s safe there). No offense, but she may need “fresh ears,” and particularly ones from her side of the equation.

Note that I very specifically didn’t say karate. Martial arts includes things ranging from capoeira (which was specifically designed to look like dancing) to tai chi (where you never hit or are hit by anybody) or different kinds of swordmanship (where you do hit people but using a sword and with armor on).