Don’t forget the plague - or was it the ebola virus - and the hospital goes into lockdown and the surly crowd starts rioting and tries to break down the doors.
Unless it’s time for one of the doctors to learn a lesson about accepting failure, in which case you are completely fucked and your last moments on earth will be accompanied by some sappy indie rock song. Between that and all the neurotics on staff, it’s the last hospital I’d want to go to. Are all the other TV hospitals really worse than this one?
I’d prefer Bashir on DS9. He’s smarter than Crusher and the Daboo girls are younger.
The Trek doctors have great technology but they all come with drawbacks:
Dr. McCoy (TOS): Known for his trademark line “He’s dead Jim.” No thanks.
Dr Crusher (TNG): Smart, attractive and talented. She’d be a great doctor if she was in sickbay and not called away to captain the ship during a Borg attack. Or if she wasn’t on a Scottish theme park planet humping the ghost of an Anne Rice novel. Also, chances are you land in the Ent-D sickbay because of a plot contrivance or you encounter one while you’re in there. Like an angry Proto-Worf spitting acid in your face.
Dr. Bashir (DS9): Probably one of the better doctors you could hope for should you be unfortunate enough to find yourself in the Bajor sector. Of course, once you leave the infirmary you’re likely to get stabbed by an angry Klingon, shot by an angry Jem’Hadar or scammed by an amused Quark. You may also find yourself murdered and impersonated by a Founder.
The EMH (VOY): Great expertise, poor beside manner. Whatever ails you he can probably cure. So now you’re cured and stuck on the other side of the galaxy. But if it’s any consolation 7 of 9 might drop by.
Dr. Phlox (ENT): low-tech and holistic, Phlox will charm you with his personality to distract you from the giant leech he’s putting on your wound. During your stay in the Enterprise sickbay the Captain will probably be kidnapped and beaten up meaning you are stuck there until he is yet again rescued. Alternately and worse, he may not be kidnapped at all. He may give a speech instead.
If you find yourself in Doc Cottle’s sickbay, you’re frakked. Odds are good he’ll give you a cigarette, but then Ron Moore will have written in an extreme closeup of your eyes while Cottle melts your balls with a blowtorch.
Good evening everybody. I’m Doctor Nick!
Quincy’s infirmary. He only worked on dead people.
Yes! Rampart has the best crew, and there’s no hanky panky going on in the closets. Then I would marry John Gage and have barbeques on the weekends with Roy and his wife.
Its not a genre I like much, but if I’m having a medical emergency I’d like to go to an old UK one Casualty. Every now & then they seem to treat a patient & its miserable & unglamorous, much like real life.
The worst would be a tie between Grey’s Anatomy & NZ soap Shortland St - for the same reason. There sex lives are way more important than their patients!
It is not Mark Greene’s fault that he lives in the same city as Thor. County General’s endless catastrophe’s are just collateral damage in the Jord-Son’s battle with Ulik and Loki.
Except for those times when it isn’t alright. I’d definitely want a show where the patient of the week always gets better.
But if that can’t be the case I’ll take Community General Hospital and Dr. Mark Sloan. Because if I die there it means I was murdered and I’d like Dick Van Dyke to find out who did it.