Just so no one thinks otherwise, my post was intended as a joke at my own expense and not intended to make you or anyone else feel bad.
mr.stretch: I know your legs hurt. It sucks your legs hurt. It must be frustrating to not know why your legs hurt. Shut up about it now, before I distract you with this hammer.
mr.strech: I know your legs hurt. I’ve explained my theory and that’s all I can do for you. STFU.
mr.stretch: I know your legs hurt. Quit kicking me all night and go sleep in the guest room.
Loki: I know you’re bored. Your stitches come out tomorrow and you can go do what ever you want after that. Until then, please calm down.
My boss: I can’t believe you went out of town for two days, didn’t tell anyone who you’d picked for the new unit sup, only told one of the current employees who interviewed that they weren’t chosen, and expected me not to tell anybody when they know that I know. Do you hate me?
My fellow employees: Yes, I’ve been here, in the same job, for 9 years. Yes, I do have a fair bit of institutional knowledge. I still don’t know everything, and I wish you’d quit giving out my number to everybody telling them I do. Especially quit giving out my number to people in other regions. I don’t mind helping out, but there are people in those offices who are paid to answer these questions. I’m paid to do my job, not yours or theirs. Thank you.
TV Weather people. This is Pittsburgh. It is January. In January in Pittsburgh, two things happen: it gets cold, and it snows. Bill Engvall was right, you idiots have chronic amnesia. Every damn winter you act like it’s the first freaking time we’ve ever had cold and snow. Please stop saying things like ‘I can’t remember the last time it was this cold here.’ Bill is going to give you a sign.
Morons at the Dirty Bird (aka Giant Eagle). Yes, the TV forecast predicted snow. Yes they said anywhere from 4" to 10" of the white stuff for this area. This does not mean ‘snowed in for three months with no airlift cargo loads of food.’ At most you will be inconvenienced for a day or two. It is not necessary for you to head to the store by the metric fuckton and buy every single jug of milk in the entire store. Last night, when I was at the store to pick up some half-n-half for coffee and a few other items that friends requested as I was on my way to their house, there were 85 bazillion of you idiots there, most of you were 1) pissed that the store was out of every single kind of milk and 2) completely unable to find your children.
I know milk is a perishable item, but really, it won’t go bad if you buy enough of it on Wednesday to last until next Wednesday, seriously. As for your kids, they’re over there in that mewling hoarde stationed around the lobster tank and blocking up the aisle. That’s where they always go. Because when you are with Mommy or Daddy at the grocery store when it will take you at least a half hour to stand in the Express line and get checked out, and you are a tiny little being with a tiny little attention span, the lobsters are entertaining.
Oh, and to the guy who was apparently being very, very nice to his girlfriend or wife and was at the Dirty Bird last night behind me in the Express lane with nothing but a package of Kotex and a box of tampons, kudos man. I hope she knows how lucky she is that you braved the hoardes for her.
I suspect, in cases like that, that what’s happening is people are confusing the “Reply” button on the bottom-right-hand corner of each post with the “Post Reply” button on the bottom-left-hand-corner of the thread page. Maybe they’re just not paying attention, maybe they’re used to the old-style “Quote” and “Reply” format.
We get that here, too. Last cold snap, the newspeople were giving us all kinds of crucial advice like “Wear clothes outside.” and “Try to stay warm.” You’re talking to Canadians. We know how to do cold. We know exactly how much frostbite our faces and fingers can take before we get permanent damage.
Yeah, I know what you mean. And it’s not like these people are new here.
Dennis Bowman, you’ve been in Pittsburgh doing the weather since I was six. That’s, uh, 21 years. Learn, damnit.
And please, please stop saying the roads are ‘slippy’. There is no such word in English as ‘slippy’. You sound like a douchebag.
Also, um, I want to yell at those people who either drive way too fast for road conditions, or way too slow.
If you are on the freeway, and everyone else is doing 45 to 50 mph, please do not do 10 mph in the left lane. If you do this, when Jackass who is doing 80 mph comes up behind you, he cannot stop, and then we all get injured!
When you are going uphill and it is icy and your wheels slip a bit, do not stop. You will not get started again. This goes doubly if you stop beside a car that has just done this, thereby trying to trap hundreds of motorists on Greentree Hill.
I want to give a special pitting to those tiny little chunks of bone in hamburger. My lunch just snapped off a huge chunk of my molar. Went to the dentist, got it sealed up, and got an appointment for a crown in the next couple of weeks. Stupid bone chunk. Stupid teeth. Stupid expensive crowns.
It is one am here in Madison.
My neighbor is currently shoveling every square millimeter of his driveway. When he is done shoveling, he will then sweep the entire driveway.
He did the same thing this morning (and it hasn’t snowed since). And last night, from 1 to 2 am.
And the night before that, when it snowed about half and inch. Again, at 2 am.
While on the subject of weather…
Can we stop the arms race regarding weather-predicting technology in commercials? Super Doppler! Double Doppler! Triple Dog Doppler! I’m not piloting a commercial airliner, so I really don’t need pinpoint accuracy in my weather report. I just need a vague idea, which is still just about all you can give me anyway.
From my LJ post on the same subject…
Dear boss: I know you only have one student worker. Me. I know that is lower than the usual number. Therefore you have to actually work instead of sitting around and going out for a cigarette every two minutes. Suck it up. Your job consists of answering phones. They’re not asking you to suddenly perform brain surgery.
Dear boss, relatives, and entire state: I am single and getting kind of happy with it at last. Get over it. Either fix me up with the cute co-worker/friend/etc. you keep insisting I’m perfect for, or shut up.
Dear co-worker: If you want me to help you with things, do not make fun of me for being a weird smart person. That makes me want to help you much less.
Honey, I love you with all my heart, but intending is not doing. You said, “I’ll do the dishes in the morning, you relax.” In the morning you had other stuff to do, and that’s ok. I cleaned up the kitchen as I do every day.
What isn’t ok, is telling your mom about “Having to clean up after ME!” Just when, in what dream did that happen?!
When I asked about it after the phone call, you didn’t see why I was upset.
So, keeping me happy is so very easy. All you have to do is follow through with whatever you say you’re going to, and DON’T LIE!
That’s all.
Oh RIGHT ON dude!
I don’t need ‘StormTracker2005’ to tell me that the snow will begin in Canonsburg at exactly 4:16 am and then begin in Washington at exactly 4:19 am and then begin in Eighty Four at exactly 4:21 am and then begin in Kammerer at exactly 4:23 am and then begin in Bentleyville at exactly 4:25 am…
Jeebuz! Just telling me that the snow will begin in the general Pittsburgh area sometime around 4:00 am would be fine. You do not need to list every neighborhood of Pittsburgh and then every podunk town in all the other counties.
And what is the point of going ‘on location’ for weather stories? If we live in Greensburg, we know that it is snowing in Greensburg. We do not need to see Sheldon Ingram doing a live report on the corner in Greensburg saying ‘Yup, it’s snowin.’
And to add to this: any asshole that says ‘Cold enough for ya?’ when the snow is piled up high and the temperature is below 10F, go to hell. What is the damn point of that anyway? And why do people keep telling me that I’m insane because I like snow? I don’t call you a nutjob in the summer when you’re enjoying sweating your ass off in 95F heat. So kiss my ass and quit with the ‘Cold enough for ya?’ and ‘You must be nuts to like this weather.’
I pit the assholes who came into our restaurant five minutes prior to closing time. Look, the weather is nasty and we’ve been dead for the last hour and a half. We’ve got everything done. Some of us have been here all day so we’re tired and ready to go home. We had just five more minutes. Then you had to walk in and make that smarmy comment about making it in “just under the wire.” You do know there are three 24-hour eateries within five minutes’ drive? You couldn’t have gone to one of those? It’s not like our menu offers anything that extraordinary that you just had to come here. And while I got to leave after cooking your order, I understand you kept the server here an hour after closing time? Coming in at the last minute is bad enough, but it’s awfully goddamned rude to just sit around and chat when you know the place is closed. Fuck you.
P.S. And I hope your little rat bastard kid enjoyed his microwaved hamburger. You didn’t really expect me to turn the grill back on just for that did you? 
Ooh, that’s a good one, Stegon. So annoying, because they’re technically not doing anything wrong, but it’s still pretty thoughtless, especially if there are 24 hour restaurants all around.
On the weather-related fronts, I would also like to pit people who don’t shovel their walks. It snowed, then froze, and now it’s melting, but the combination has made any snow that didn’t get shovelled right away turn into very slippery ice. If you shovel when the snow is new and not packed down yet, it’s quite easy. If you wait for it to turn to hard-packed ice, not so much. I don’t get it - are there people living here who still don’t know that they have a responsibility to clear their front sidewalk?
I preemptively pit cyclists. You’re either pedestrians or vehicles. Pick one and stick with it.
Well that’s what you get for watching Bowman. He’s a freaking moron.
Maggie, I know you’re still a kitten, and so you tend to get into things you shouldn’t. Most of the time, that’s okay.
But why must you do it at six am, while Mommy’s trying to sleep? And WHERE is my lipstick? I know, I’m at fault for leaving it on my dresser, and trusting that you’ll behave. But now it’s gone. Thank you.
Oh, and no, it’s okay, I LOVE being used as the human scratching post while I’m sleeping. It’s great!
At least he isn’t doing the weather with his creepy-ass ventriloquist’s dummy.
Right? :eek:
Dear Neighbours:
Just by placing a chair in that parking spot to hold it, you have earned my ire. You didn’t fucking shovel it out, you idiot. If I wasn’t so nice, I’d drive right over the chair and park there.
Fuckers.
I think they all are. I dunno who that idiot is who’s on Channel 11 in the mornings (6:00), but that one annoys me too. Channel 4 and 2 aren’t an improvement, either, or I would change the channel.
[HIJACK] Just a thought, have mr. stretch talk to his doctor about Restless Leg Syndrome. There is good information at webmd.com. My SO has it and there is medication that can help with the pain and twitching. IANAD and all that, just someone who has been there.[/HIJACK]