Shrek: Ugly people can’t be with beautiful people
Grease: To get and keep your man, you have to be slutty
Ferris Beuller’s Day Off: Be a dick to everyone and make your friends pay the consequences
The Breakfast Club: Stop being different, except if you’re a smart nerd. If you’re a smart nerd, do everyone else’s homework for them and be alone.
Any others?
It’s a Wonderful Life: Give up your dreams; never leave the small town you grew up in, not even for your honeymoon.
Die Hard:
The Best way to make your ex-wife love you again is to kill a bunch of Germans (that one’s actually true.)
Man, I could start a whole 'nother thread on the ways to get your ex-wife to love you again…
Most romantic comedies: No never really means no. Just show here you’re persistant and she’ll fall for you eventually.
Also with most romantic comedies: Women - the boring but nice guy that you’re engaged to isn’t meant for you. Save some time and dump him for the cute stranger that you meet, because you’re bound to cheat on your fiance with him eventually anyway. (It’s OK if the stranger turns out to be your best friend’s fiance; you two were obviously meant for each other anyway.)
Toy Story - That seriously disturbed bullying kid with the severe anti-social tendencies isn’t having paranoid delusions. The toys really are alive!
Toy Story 2 - Always hold onto & cherish your childhood toys…because they’ll likely be worth a lot of money on eBay some day.
the Incredibles - It’s wrong to be different, or in any way exceptional. Always blend in with the faceless masses and strive to be mediocre and un-noticeable.
That’s not at all the message of that movie. Quite the opposite, in fact.
Any “rogue cop” movie:
Constitutional protections only let obviously guilty people out of jail on techincalities.
Anyone who a policeman thinks is guilty, is guilty, even if there is little evidence and what there is indicates otherwise.
Alien: When faced by an alien menace, do the stupidest possible action at all times.
Shrek 4: Married domestic life really was a painful slog and things would have been much more interesting if they’d avoided it.
Snow White: If you’re an attractive female, less attractive females will be out to get you because of it.
Actually, my version of the message of Grease is even shorter: Don’t be yourself. I was horrified by the ending when I first saw it.
I love the movie; but the ending still bothers me after thirty years.
The Wizard of Oz
*Popularity is an indicator of the size of your heart.
*The true measure of intelligence is whether or not you have a diploma.
*Never venture outside of the safety of your family.
*If your dog is a menace, it’s because some people are mean.
*It’s wise to slap a lion.
Close Encounters:
Screw you, family, I’m goin’ for a ride on a spaceship!
WEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Read one way, that is pretty much true, and a good think to know. If you are “conventionally” ugly, you are almost certain to get nothing but a lot of heartache if you spend your life pining after the “conventionally” beautiful.
Read the other way, it is pretty much the opposite of the message of Shrek, which is that the conventionally ugly can have their own sort of, quite genuine,* beauty, and deserve, and can have, real love.
*Ogre-Fiona is actually a lot cuter than princess-Fiona, and, eventually, she is very happy with her ogre form.
Yeah, MAD Magazine nailed this one in their satire of the movie.
Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer: if you’re different in any way, the best you can hope for is that the people who mock, ostracize, and mistreat you will be stop being such blatant dicks after you pull their asses out of the fire.
I love the cartoon, and watch it at least once during every Christmas season, but it’s still pretty fucked up.
Then there are the layered messages. I was just discussing Shel Silverstein’s The Giving Tree with a parent of a young child. It teaches us that if you give and give and give, your love will remain strong. But just below the surface is the message the kids are actually getting: If you take and take and take, she’ll still love you anyway, so take and take and take until she’s worn down to nothing.