Sequels you would have done differently.

Cafe Society
1

I watched Star Wars II: Attack of the Clones last night on TV.

It is my second time around on this one and all I can say is it was flat, flat, flat.

I use to be a fair Star Wars fan for IV, V & VI, but these just suck. Graphics are not everything, George.

I think, for starters, I would have made Senator Amidala a little older, at least old enough to drink in every 50 states. The entire movie is run by teenagers, except, of course, the bad guys.

More Yoda. Cannot get enough of this pint size ass kicking Jedi Master.

2

Aliens III. First I would not have killed off the Marine at the start of the movie. What a way to take something that could have a huge emotional impact (him dying to the new alien) and turning into something meaningless. I also would have liked to see the aliens on a shining pure earth I think by III we’d seen enough cramped dark space corridors it was time to try something new.

Alien (4) If I had been handed this script with the human/alien baby I would have laughed so hard and passed it right back. Talk about a movie that didn’t even understand it’s own material.

Highlander II/III/IV Let’s see. II is wildly considered not to exist. III was really just a remake of I with huge plot holes. And IV was just an excuse to kill off one ‘highlander’ b/c they wanted to pass off the series to the other guy. Sheesh 90% of the population could tell you a bitter sarcastic guy that looks and acts burned out is more interesting to watch then some guy b/c he’s considered hot.

Temple of Doom. More globe trotting high adventure less stupid cult.

3

I would have made Psycho II an adaptation of Robert Bloch’s novel Psycho II, which didn’t suck. Reconceptualizing the characters was a stinky idea.

Rocky II should have been a short subject which started with Balboa having a fatal stroke and then dedicated fifteen or twenty minutes to Adrian pulling herself together and then getting on her with her life. (And nobody should have had to watch it.)

Look Who’s Talking Too should have included the line “Please stop shaking me, I can feel my brain hemorrhaging!” and ended with all parties being taken out by snipers or bubonic plague.

Well, Psycho II should have been based on the Robert Bloch novel, anyway.

4

Star Trek III-whatever: I would not have brought back Spock. His death in II was a great cinematic moment, cheapened by bringing him back.
I also wouldn’t have killed off Kirk’s son so pointlessly or introduced proto-matter.

Alien III-Should have been aliens on Earth, and of course it was a ludicrous mistake killing off Newt and Hicks.

Die Hard II–Should never have been made, period.

5

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6

I don’t know I liked Die Hard II. It was III that was the total throw away in my opinion.

7

Not to hijack things, but I have to say that putting the Aliens on Earth would have come out one of two ways:

  1. Aliens creep around in darkened buildings, caves, forests, etc, thus making a movie essentially indistinguishable from Alien 3 and 4 as they stand.

  2. Aliens try to fight out in the open and the light, and are undramatically obliterated by the Marines, who are now free to use the BIG weapons.

It’s a rare monster that can plausibly operate in any circumstance OTHER than “sneak-around-and-take-people-by-surprise”.

8

It wouldn’t be too hard to make some reasons why the Marines couldn’t operate the big guns early on. (public safety for one) and the first scenes of an alien attack turning a well lit office building and turning it into a huge hive would be priceless. Also seeing them adapt to a new enviorment with new tactics would be exicting.

Unfortunately you’re probably right that most screen writers are too lazy to make such unconventional locations work and we’d just end up seeing “aliens in sewer tunnels” yawn

9

I would not have made the piece of dreck that is Anne of Green Gables III.

10

I had a horrible nightmare one time that someone had made a Blues Brothers 2000.

If that were actually reality, I’d vote for that.

11

Another vote for Aliens III for the What Were They Thinking Award for the all-time worst sequel fuckup in movie history. Killing off Newt and Hicks … so stupid.

Also, Gulf War II … what a disaster!

12

Since Star Wars and Star Trek III have been mentioned.

“Temple of Doom” - We have only 1 map shift with Hong Kong barely scratched. We have Willie Scott tagging along for some reason. Why does she get in the plane with him? And we’re introduced to Lau Che who beats Indy but then is completely forgotten. And to top it all off the effects didn’t look as good as those in the first film.

Hmm, I see Darkhold hid ToD at the end of his post so I guess I second it.

13

Actually, I believe that Bloch’s Psycho II was published after the film sequel was made.

14

If I couldn’t get Burton to do the last two Batman sequels, I wouldn’t have made them at all.

There wouldn’t have been one single goddamn blacklight on either set.

And probably no “Robin”…I don’t even know if it’s possible to introduce a character like thism credibly, anymore. (Comic-Robin doesn’t count…he’s been grandfathered in. And he has pants, now.) Maybe Burton could have Dick Grayson jump straight to becoming “Nightwing” after losing his family—kind of a twisted counterpart/competitor to Batman. They’d clash with each other before finally teaming up in the end. Something like that, only not so sucky.

I would have had Superman IV start out the same…and then pretty much turn into a “Squadron Supreme” or a “Twilight of the Superheroes”, with Superman ruling the world with an Iron Fist. But competantly. Lex Luthor becomes the “hero” of humanity, eventually toppling Superman’s rule, but destroying the near-Utopian civilization in the process, sending Earth into anarchy, chaos, and atomic armageddon.

Hey, it wouldn’t be worse than “Nuclear Man” and his magic costume generator.

X2—Pretty much the same, but I would have left the deleted scenes in. And no UH-1’s.