I married my childhood sweetheart. We had been together all through our formative years growing up. And then when we did grow up, we ran out of mutual goals. At 21 years of age. Should I have quit?
The second wife was an admitted mistake, too soon, too fast. But I was young and we had 2 fine kids and a lot of fun before realizing that we had little in common.
3rd and last wife is wonderful. I was still only 43 and she was 29 and we have a great life, now 14 years later. Would I get married again, no. Not from my current point of view. But I might out live her and that could change my viewpoint.
Twice divorced here. I thought I loved them, and wanted to have a household and a family with them. It didn’t work out either time. In both cases, I think I was a little too desperate and got myself into a situation I shouldn’t have. I’m 44 now and have been single for nine years. I’ve had relationships since then, but I doubt I’ll get remarried anytime soon.
My husband married me when I was twice divorced. I will try to explain this as best I can, but bear with me - it’s not easy. In the beginning, we had no intentions of ever being married. But then some big things happened in the world at large, we grew up a little more, and our viewpoints shifted - we wanted to really “belong” to each other. I know it doesn’t make much sense, it’s a feeling - it’s not something I can really put into words. I’ve been married to him longer than I’ve ever been in any RELATIONSHIP versus a marriage - and it was right for us at that time. It was just “time”. Like I said, it’s not something I can really explain. This time, it took. We’re lucky.
The one guy I know who has been married seven or eight times, has followed a consistent pattern. As soon as he gets married, he begins an affair with a new woman. His current wife then divorces him, and he marries his affair partner. Rinse, lather, repeat. I have no idea why women keep marrying him, when his history is common knowledge.
I have a feeling the women guys like this marry have a lot of issues themselves. Either they are very sheltered, young, naive, crazy or the guy is a VERY good liar/charming/deceptive.
My mom got married once and that was it. But the man she lives with now (who is pretty much my stepdad) was married three times. I do know that in his case the reasons for divorce were all different- first wife didn’t want kids and he did, so they separated. Second wife had one kid with him, but he never explained why they divorced (I think he might have cheated on her) or why his daughter was so estranged from him. Third wife had three more kids with him but turned out to be a crazy alcoholic and he divorced her and got custody of those 3 kids. So all 3 situations were different, but my mom wasn’t willing to marry him just the same.
The likelihood of divorce goes up after each successive divorce, and I’m wondering if its just due to repeated patterns in the person (substance abuse, rampant infedelity, etc) or some other factor.
On first reading the OP, I started to feel pretty defensive. I’ve been married three times and I’m no golddigger, I assure you. If I was, I wouldn’t have a negative net worth right now. But the OP is asking a legitimate question, even if the phrasing is a bit snarky.
Since my last marriage ended two and a half years ago, I’ve accepted that I’m not very good at being married, so it is unlikely that I will ever marry again.
But why marry the second and third times when the first time didn’t work? Because I married young the first time and hoped to make a better choice. Because I did not like being alone. Because I was raised in a family that put a lot of importance on being married (not just “seeing” someone). Because I wanted to make a home and life with the man who became my second husband. (No, that marriage wasn’t perfect but it wasn’t awful either. I was the one who ended it and probably shouldn’t have but, like I said above, I didn’t realize until much later that I’m not good a being married. I compromise too much, then too little, then I get angry . . . well, that’s another post.) I married the third time because I hadn’t learned my lesson yet.
Anyway, the short answer to the OP is, as someone else mentioned: hope over experience. In my case, experience finally won.
I’ve been wondering abut this. A woman I am (barely) acquainted with has just married her eighth husband. She has assets of her own, and from previous marriages so I don’t guess money is her motivation.
My best guess is that she is more comfortable living with someone and doesn’t want to shack up. I can’t relate to that. I’ve been married twice. Divorced once and widowed once. My curiosity is more or less satisfied. I’m smart enough not to say “never again” but I am not going to actively seek a third husband.
A man I worked for had a beautiful, completely enviable, from all appearances perfect marriage for over 30 years. His wife died suddenly, and not very long afterwards he married again. I was a little aghast, but then I thought about it and realized this was a man who’d never ironed a shirt of his own, or fixed himself a meal, or did the grocery shopping. He had no idea how to live alone.
Ok, I’m going to go out on a limb with this and I hope the females on this board dont get me banned.
What I have noticed of many young women in their early 20’s is their friends get married and they see them being the queen of the day and getting all these awesome gifts and taking this great honeymoon and they get jealous and marry the first guy who comes along. And guess what happens when the shine wears off.
Take my SIL for example. About 10 years ago she had this awesome wedding that cost over $30,000. She had 7 bridesmaids. All beautiful young women she had gone to college with. Nearly all of them got married within 2 years of my SIL and most got divorced within 5 years after.
And the young men they marry? They dont realize they still have alot of maturing to do.
Now not all young women are like this. Others keep their heads and do whats smart. That is work on their career and personal lives and then get married.
This IMHO is why often 2nd marriages work out much better. Both persons have gotten alot of their craziness worked out and are ready to learn from their mistakes and settle down.
I won’t be calling for your banning, dude. At work I deal with quite a few customers who are brides-to-be and other members of the bridal party. Sigh. Actually, the most ridiculous one wasn’t young at all though, she was middle-aged. Jesus Christ she just would not stop gushing. And she was pushing a tiny dog in a pink dog stroller, so there’s that. (And these women are not Bridezillas or anything, at least not to me. They’re always nice, it’s just that they’re very intense and they genuinely seem to believe some stranger is going to be as excited about their wedding as they are.)
I have a relative on her 4th marriage. Basically, she keeps looking to marry a daddy-figure. The problem: her father was a first rate a-hole. So she marries a-holes. You know them: tells her what to do every minute of the day. So they don’t last. Lather, rinse, repeat.
The “big wedding” thing is also an issue. Her third wedding was a really big deal. Utter waste.
“Not wanting to be alone” is major. Cannot be without a boyfriend/husband for a single second. Something really sad about that.
Despite being a close relative, I never met #3, haven’t yet met #4. Why bother getting to know them?
My first wife was like that. She was so enamored about preparing for the wedding and being a fucking princess for a day that I don’t think she ever really thought about the day and the years to come after that day was over. I’m sure the day after our wedding was one of the more depressing days she has ever had.
LOL! My current MIL (MIL5) told us not long ago that she was scared to death to meet FIL’s family for that very reason! She couldn’t help thinking “Will they even bother to remember my name, or just bet on how long I’ll be around?”.
I understand totally. I have an uncle who’s on #3, whom he left #2 for after carrying on an emotional affair for several years. In all honesty, I totally didn’t expect the relationship to last a year after they actually got together and reality set in.
For a second when I read that first line, my brain interpreted it as 1 MIL/spouse and I thought “Wow, most people who are married that many times don’t think that’s funny AT ALL.” :smack:
I never really had any investment in “princess for a day” or the weddings. Something I’ve been thinking about though is that no one ever really told me anything about why I might want to get married. It’s just what people do. Looking at it as objectively as I can, my first marriage may have resulted from a sense of “we’re almost thirty. We should probably do this.”
Even though I did a better job at the second one than the first one, it was not all honeysuckle and catfish. For me it is not a try, try again kind of situation.
I’m not going to call for your banning either. I think you make an excellent point, one I’ve seen in action more than once. First time was when I was just 18. The sister of a friend of mine was getting married. Sister was 25, had completed college, had been dating her fiancee for over two years, both had good jobs, yada, yada. My friend (younger sister) saw all the preparations, the beautiful dress, picking out the venue, the colors, the flowers, the presents, the bridesmaid’s dresses, etc., and, in IMO, lost her mind. Less than six months after Sis’s wedding. little sister is engaged to a young man who had known her less than four months and also who understands that only a ring will get him laid. I think the marriage lasted until shortly after the baby was born, who I suspect was conceived on the honeymoon.
When I see young women going on and on about their weddings, I always want to ask: Do you want to be married or do you just want a fancy wedding? There is a difference, ya know.
Seriously. I have met many people in my travels and without exception all of the ones who were married more than three times (and often more than twice) had a fair degree of emotional instability.
Some were high functioning people who were successful in their work lives and who gave the external appearance of being normal. However, if you lifted the tent apron, they were steaming cauldrons of insecurity and immaturity. Apparently their spouses only found this out after they had already paid the admission fee.
There’s a joke I heard: in your first year of marriage, put a penny in a jar next to the bed every time you have sex. After the first year, take a penny out each time you have sex. The jar will never be emptied.
I think a lot of people remarry because that first year seems magical and they want to experience it again.
Another theory I have is that people usually marry for love. When you fight, love is not enough to keep the couple together. In most other countries in the world, marriage is a business arrangement between families. Love is not even required. While many do fall in love over time, it’s not necessary to get married. Social status, employment, family harmony, etc. are far more important.
I have always wanted a divorce and consider it an outrage that the law prevents me from getting one based on the technicality that I have never been married.