Be gone thou demons of ice cream! Out of my sight!
Today was fairly boring and run-of-the-mill until early this afternoon, when Heather pranced her bandanna-d self into my room and asked if we could go hunting for a snow cone place she’d been to, oh, never.
How marvellous! I thought to myself. 'Tis yet another opportunity to seek adventures within our boring hamlet. I shall flee the confines of this female prison, and defy the authority of the Red Brick Wall. Horrid bricks, I smite thee!
While still preparing for this daring escape, the fair maiden known as Denise appeared on our end of the hallway, crying Verily shall I die if I do not leave this soul-sucking place! After consulting my bandanna-d associate, it was decided that Denise should accompany us on our solemn sojourn to sanity.
Together, we three voyagers to the Other Side carefully trod our way to the sacred enclosure known as Bell Parking Lot. There we ascended that noble automotive steed Betsy, infamous throughout the length and breadth of these lands for both her indestructibility and her cool tunes.
Having mounted Her Tunefulness, we set off, charged with a Sacred Quest to Find the Elusive Snow Cone Stand. And yea though I drove through the valley of the shadow of the Seven Hills, I feared no evil, for I knew that the Great Bandanna and the Fair Damsel wert with me.
Wearily the mighty Betsy trod up the hills. Wearily down them she cruised. Wearily again she ascended. Wearily down them again she cruised. And still the Mystical Snow Cone Stand did not appear.
But soft! What dost I hear from the backseat? Hark to me Karlene! Yonder Snow Cone Stand liest in front of the Floral Shoppe! And truly I tell you, Karlene wast mightily vexed, as Yonder Snow Cone Stand stood at the foot of a gaudily-painted Floral Shoppe, which Karlene had just passed.
Wishing not to bring that scourge of Road Rage upon herself from her fellow drivers, Karlene did not slam on her brakes to turn into the hideous Flower Shoppe. Instead, we vainly drove on in search of Ye Hidden Turn Around, a species of road oft thought extinct in our Burg of Lynch.
In the wake of much consternation didst we find Ye Hidden Turn Around, and in cheerful anticipation we again began the pursuit of the Elusive Snow Cone Stand.
Thou hast turned wrongly! the Great Bandanna informed me, but in response I exclaimed Elusive Snow Cone Stand appeareth on the horizon! Behold the sparkling jewel of summer swelter! And I wast filled with happiness, for Her Tunefulness has leather seats and my butt had verily been parboiled.
Tongues all a-quiver, we wert delivered unto the Mystical Snow Cone Stand… until the Fair Damsel declared Fucketh! Yonder stand liest fallow and closed! And then there wast much pain and gnashing of teeth.
But then we didst have a wonderful idea. Beyond the hazy hills and towards the tract of land known as The Nice Part of Town, we knew there stoodest a Great Monument to modern capitalism (called Krogers by the commoners). And lo though it be far off, we were prepared to make the journey.
After many a turn and a harrying climb, again we alighted from that gallant automotive steed. Full of wonderment we beheld that Palace of Grocery Shopping, and we pronounced it Good.
Yet we of such lowly college birth had never before seen such culinary loveliness. Long had it been since we had abandoned that Dining Hall Fortress, and we wert unused to the wide variety and presence of price tags.
We essayed to be stalwart, but - alas! - truly I tell you, there existed distractions. The Great Bandanna wast almost swallowed by Thou Unholy God of Stickers: seductively he swayed his shimmerings towards her, whispering of his Great Value for Just a Quarter. But Chauffeuse Karlene and the Fair Damsel resisted their wiles, and didst drag Her Royal Bandanna-ness away. Yet the will of the machines could not be undone, and the Fair Damsel found herself kneeling to the God of Cheap Candy. Indignant was she, for she shouted Vultures! Recieveth I only Four Sugary Bones for my lonely Quarter? And with great glee didst the Bandanna show the Fair Damsel that she wast ignorant of the Ways of the Cheap Candy God, for more Sugary Bones lay in wait just behind the trap door. Seeing this, the Maiden was mightily appeased.
Onward we pressed, further and further into the vault of discount shopping, until a Holy Light shone upon our freezer case Grail, and a choir of angels sang their praises for our good taste in ice cream delights (except for the Damsel, who believed her hips wouldst better appreciate fancy Jell-O).
Feeling a curious one-ness with nature, we made our way to the Garden of Gethpresbyteriame, the outside realm of a Huge Church. Hitching Betsy to a post in the Church’s hinterlands, we walked towards the picnic tables, laden with chocolate-y goodness.
Stoppeth in thine tracks! a befuddled voice commanded. Dost thou not know that this is a pre-school by day, and that thine sugary presence wilt create a chaos of cherubs? Kindly avail thineselves of yonder Rose Garden instead!
Hanging our heads, we heeded the Befuddled One and visited our presence upon the Rose Garden, where we didst have a merry time consuming mass quantities of processed glucose and having philosophical conversations (I wear the cheese, the cheese does not wear me).
Once the clock struck three, we scurried away at the behest of the Maiden, who declared an ungodly need to study. Frightened by the seriousness of this assertion (and grateful for our own end to the Exam Plague), the Bandanna-d One and myself didst straightaway return the Damsel to her rightful place in the Castle on the Hill. Thereupon we squandered our remaining daylight in pointless pursuits, culling much glee from silly endeavors.